He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED
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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:20pm |
Hi everyone, thanks for opening up my posting. I need the views of people who don't know me or my boyfriend.
He's constantly expressing that he wants us to spend our lives together. But he somehow never has enough money to take me out and he's too passive and preoccupied to plan things. Most of our time is spent "hangin' out," and I'm not materialistic at all, but wouldn't it be nice to be taken out to dinner or brunch?
Over and over I reach a boiling point and try to initiate breakups, hoping this will be the fork in the road that leads either to the End or more appreciation of what I've got to offer. OK, It's kind of a game to worry him into better treatment of me. It works a little, but I know it's not fair and the changes are superficial.
We're both in our mid 30s. Been together 9 months. We don't live together. He wants to asap. This was so pleasing to me when he first started proposing it a few months ago, but the initial pleasure of the idea of it faded when I realized he just hasn't earned it.
He tries hard in many ways. A late bloomer, his career is new and very challenging to him (more drama than I think he needs, actually, for too little pay) and he needs a lot of energy for that. I have suggested to him that this is probably not the time for him to have a girlfriend. So he gets scared that he's losing me and makes promises that things will improve and rushes right over to see me and make sure we won't break up. He has done this even when he's tired or planned to do something else, which I didn't think was so good for him. He should just be consistent and responsible and this wouldn't happen.
He's sensitive and very sweet, but I feel like the relationship is so DISAPPOINTING in many ways:
- no dates any more (I mean, he doesn't take me out--not even once in two weeks)
- his libido is down due to stress, so sex 2x a week tops (we spend about 4 nights a week together)
- doesn't think ahead or plan, makes me feel he doesn't truly value me or "our time"
- I have to do most of the planning and all of the waiting (on him. He is late.)
Tonight I pulled away. For the first time ever, I cancelled our "hang out at home" plans because he wanted to do some chores while I was there. I suggested he just do the chores and we resume our plans tomorrow. (I've watched him fold laundry a couple of times before and have no desire to repeat this unless we are married and it's OUR laundry.)
In the hours after I cancelled, he called and called and I answered on his fourth try, after I'd had a few hours to process the fact that he seemed really to need a Talk. I was sweet and nice (I am not a meanie, just feeling kind of tired out) and I explained that I feel I have to pull away. I said that I feel I'm giving more than I'm getting. No more can he come over two hours later than he said he would and eat my cooking, no more can he whine that he's broke.
I told him I am now going to value quality over quantity in terms of the time we spend together and that I don't want to spend empty time with him in front of the TV, eating a dinner I cooked way too late at night to accomodate his convenience. I'd rather spend one or two special nights with him when we can start early and even (gasp) GO OUT!, if he can manage that. He says he is happy to try this and feels better about it already.
I explained that I am ready for things in life he isn't ready for and he disagreed and said he IS ready, for all of it. I said that no matter what he says I can't take him seriously if this is his idea of dating. (We've been involved for about 9 months.)
He cares. He calls every day that we aren't together. We've been spending our entire wkends together since we met, but now I think it's not a good idea any more (quantity, not quality at this point). His friends are smart, cool guys, mostly married and very nice. I care about him. I love him but I'm so frustrated.
My friends all like him. Everyone likes him. I love him. He loves me. He's a smart, funny, adorable, whimsical, straightforward, honest, kind person. But that STILL starts to feel like not enough when my needs are not being met. How much more do I take?
what say you girls?????? What do you do with a sweet but bumbling boyfriend?
Edited 10/20/2006 11:47 pm ET by straightshooter2006

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From what you write he doesn't sound right for you.
Thanks for your reply! I've been editing my posting like crazy trying to get the essence of my problem across, so I'm not sure which iteration of it you saw.
I worry that he's not right for me, but how can I really know?? He's trying so hard to get it together. It feels like he could be right for me eventually... but how long do I give him?
I believe he wants to step up to the plate, and I feel so cruel considering writing him off after our ups and downs and his intervals of promising and actually making a bit of difficult progress.
BUT... it is hard.
And so confusing.
If he was really right for you, I think you'd know.
It may seem great that he assures you that he'll change, be better, etc., but then he isn't; it all slides right back to where it is. That's because this is who he is, this is the real him. He's bumping it up, trying to be what you want, but it's not who he is, and eventually, he goes back to being himself. And when he's himself, it's not what you want or need. I had a relationship that was much the same, he's bump up his attention under fire, then would slide back to himself. Against his protest, I ended the relationship; it was perfect for him, but was not enough for me. Like your guy, my friends and family thought he was great,and he was. However, they weren't having the relationship with him, I was and I wasn't satisfied.
Can you say you'd be happy the rest of your life, with him just as he is? That's what you have to decide because that's how it will be.
I also suggest reading the book "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . It will help you recognize what it is that's important to you in a partner, and it also will help you see how important and necessary it is to not settle for less than exactly what you want.
Please, please, please stop "threatening" break up to get him to do what you want. Threats are game-playing and they undermine your sincerity, your believability and they make you (and the break up idea) unbelievable. The more you threaten what doesn't happen, the less those who are threatened with it believe what you're saying. If you're ready to break up, do it, if not, don't hint that it's coming. Threats are beneath you and they have no place in a healthy relationship.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"Not that it's bad if you have doubts or questions, but your concerns seem to be valid and fairly serious."
Jennie, this resonates with me big time. At first I thought I was just having petty doubts, but I acknowledge these now as fundamental concerns.
Nonetheless I start to feel like I am being selfish and am demanding more than is reasonable to expect from another person and that if I work on curtailing my selfish behavior then maybe it'll turn out that the other problems weren't real, just my stubborn insistence to get reassurance I didn't need.
So, the possibility of breakup. When? And how? Thanksgiving's coming up. We're going to his parents' home and he is always so, so proud to have me in his home town. I've got tears in my eyes just thinking about how proud he is.
I so wish I could come through for him, I so wish he'd come through for me.
I feel miserable thinking about just breaking it off. I just don't know how to do this without breaking both of our hearts. I really do care about him and he hasn't done anything bad to me!
I get to thinking: it could be so much worse. And yet here I am at 2am Saturday early morning freaking out, tearstained and insomniac. Where's the joy?
BTW, I'd say it's a 60% match. Funny you use that system because I think I've said 60% match before to my sister about him.
And I will take some time after I get some sleep to do the detailed list.
Oh yes, I totally understand and agree with what you said about threats. Very bad to cry wolf.
It's so saddening that I don't share his idea that we are a match. I've been kind of pretending that I think we are, just to keep things going, with the hope that he and I would grow together. I really do love him and care very much. We are both extremely sentimental and have a tough time spending time apart. But I resent what happens when we're together.
The experience that you had that you describe here is so like mine.
How did you end it? What did you say? How did he react???
In my previous relationship, I said, "This may be enough for you, but it's not enough for me. I can't stay in the relationship." He was very upset, cried and begged me for "another chance", but quite honestly, there had been enough "chances" (me telling him I wasn't happy, needed more, etc.); that it was clear another "chance" would only be another temporary fix before he again went back to being who he really was. I wasn't up for prolonging the agony. If I hadn't left the relationship, I never would have begun the relationship with the man who is now my husband, a man who was right for me just as he was.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 10/21/2006 4:37 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
he's trying to get you to hook into his potential and you can never base a relationship on someone's potential.
"He's too busy trying to sit on you to make sure you don't go anywhere instead of using that energy to move his life's agenda forward."
Oh, this feels, so, so true. This is why I've said to him "you really don't need a girlfriend in your life right now." I don't understand why he hasn't just let go, especially after some of the discussions we've had.
His life: it's like he was left behind 8 years in school. I understand and I feel like it's ok to be a late bloomer, but the longer we are together the more I worry that he can't bring it up to speed in MY time frame.
It also upsets me to see him feeling so pressured and doing his best to hustle and I'm still generally dissatisfied.
But there's also that sense of, Wow, he really cares and he's trying so hard. How can I just punish him by dropping him.
One time he had a moody freakout and I went back to my apartment alone. When I got off the subway and my cell reception was back, I got a voicemail from him that said "It's such a shame, you just want a fun relationship and I can't even do that, I just keep shutting you out and shutting down. I'm so freaked out about money and my life right now and you probably think I'm a total jerk now, so I'm sorry if I've wasted your time." I wasn't upset at this message. I felt so sympathetic and called him right back, told him I cared about him, that he'd be fine and that I'd always be around as a friend for him to talk to. We got off the phone and I thought, wow, that was his great breakthrough, his moment of clarity, and now we are both free.
Hours later, I was asleep when he came and rang my bell. He was horrified that he'd broken up with me. His moment of clarity was over and he wanted to try and make me happy. Willing to do whatever it takes.
Of course I took him back because I believed in him, at least enough to know that someday he'd get it together.
Is there a happy ending?
I was definitely buying into that hapless, helpless routine. But that was months ago and now I can't any more, which is why I'm here alone on a Saturday morning instead of watching him sleep until past noon (he gets very drained during the week. Of course I am an early bird who's always very energetic).
Well, some of these things have improved over time, I've learned to relax a bit and he's changed a bit, which is huge.
Is it as black and white as "we're not a fit?" or am I just not doing the work?????
Edited 10/21/2006 9:49 am ET by straightshooter2006
...and the other thing I wonder is this: would he step up to the plate if I just stopped bothering him about his behavior and got a life??? Would he pursue me in a more satisfactory way if I showed less interest and gave him less free time with me?
This is something else I want to explore before just breaking it off. I think he and I need to have less of a predictable routine. I feel I compromise myself when I go over his house and he doesn't even have food to cook, and he feels too broke to buy dinner.
I feel like I should just put less into the relationship and more into my own life and if I meet someone else, great, if he steps up and makes me happy, great.
Does this sound like a reasonable solution?? I am just having a lot of trouble with the idea of telling him he can't see me any more. It makes me feel really bad. I just don't want to be spending empty time with him.
Maybe he'll grow in my absence, and I can just lighten up on him, which he wants me to do anyway.
See, this is where I start to wonder if my clinginess and selfishness has created some of these problems and if I'd repeat them in ANY relationship.
what do you think?? I really think some of the blame here falls on me for being too available and not really opening my eyes to the big picture.
Edited 10/21/2006 11:06 am ET by straightshooter2006
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