Help for a Friend
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| Sun, 10-22-2006 - 3:17pm |
Like the title says, this isn't a question for me, but since there are so many people on here I figured someone would have good insight into this to help out my buddy Stephen.
Stephen and his coworker, Kristi, used to date over a year ago. After they split up, she moved to another town, met a guy and got pregnant with her daughter. She lived there until the baby was about 6 months old, and then moved back here and took her old job back (the one where Stephen also worked).
The father of her child, also moved back, and they were living in the same house, but sleeping in seperate rooms. Kristi and Stephen got back together and were having a fantastic relationship, aside from having to keep it quiet at work due to company policies, when suddenly she just grew cold for what seemed to be no reason. She was civil to him in passing, but didn't contact him for anything not work related for weeks.
Stephen was a mess, and didn't know what he did. But he found out a little while later that her ex, Jeff, proposed to her.
He confronted her about the situation, as she had always told him it was just financially reasonable that they coexist in the same house to take care of their daughter. She told him she still hadn't accepted because she thought it made sense on one hand, but was torn up about him. He found out less than a week later from her close friend that she had accepted the same night, but wasn's ready to wear the ring yet.
Now Kristi is still trying to remain involved with Stephen, while living affianced to Jeff. They've actually slept together after all of this.
My personal thoughts on this are that it seems like she wants the best of both worlds. And right now, she's getting it because, Jeff, remains seemingly oblivious, and Stephen keeps allowing her to perpetuate this cycle of hurt and deception.
I've tried to explain to him that this isn't a healthy relationship or situation, but the fact remains that he's always pictured himself marrying this woman and growing old next to her.
Obviously, I have no fond feelings about this woman for hurting one of my dearest friends, and I've tried to remain the voice of reason and trying to help him get his self worth back and helping him get over her, but does anyone else have anything to add that might help him in this journey?
Somedays, I'm not fully convinced he's ready to get her out of his system despite all this, but there are only so many obvious clues I can point out to him without him believing I'm just saying these things in malice, instead of just being upset with the obvious user tendencies of Kristi or the wrong-ness of the situation.

As much as you might want him to see what is going on through your objective eye's, he's not ready yet.
Oh boy this situation is a doosy.
Obviously, Stephen is hell bent on running headlong into his own heartache and to tell you the truth, there isn't much you can do to stop him.
It doesn't sound to me like he wants to end this relationship with her at all. You and I (and everyone else on the planet) knows it's not healthy and won't end well, but until he's willing to see it and do something other than hurt himself with continued contact, that's exactly what he'll have to do. One thing I don't understand, how is it he justifies continuing to see a woman who's actively living with and engaged to someone else? I can understand you not having great feelings for this woman, but do try to keep yourself clear on the fact that Stephen allows himself to stay there, he's fully responsible for his part in this. He knows the facts and chooses to continue.
In situations like this, I tend to have a set line that I use when I'm complained to about the situation, for instance, if Stephen complained to me, in a calm, non-judgmental voice, I'd say something like, "You can't really expect anything else from someone who's engaged to one person and seeing another, can you?". My reason for this is that it not only keeps me from getting completely over-involved and in turmoil over it, in one sentence, it states the facts, which I think is important to stay clear on. He may not like it, but the sentence will make him think and will keep him completely clear on the facts about the situation. At some point you'll be able to offer your sympathy, but not until he's done playing the part of her guy-on-the-side. It can't be easy for you to stand by and watch.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for all the replies everyone.
He had a really down night last night, so we had a good long talk, and during the afternoon before we talked I asked about 12 of my guy friends to jot down a quick list (5-10 things) of all the traits they'd like to see in a woman they'd ideally like to marry.
The common denominator?
Trust, Loyalty and Respect. All but one guy had those things on his list. He had to trust the woman he was going to marry with his life, he had to feel that she would be loyal to him even throughout the hard times and she had to respect him as much as he respected her.
The men I asked ranged in age from 19-32 and varied in careers from lawyers to heavy equipment operators.
So when we talked I waited for him to start on the 'I truly thought this was the woman I was meant to marry' point -- something that comes up quite often, and then told him about my little experiment.
I told him that 11 men I'd spoken to had all decided that in addition to all the other attributes they found most desirable in a prospective partner(things like being a non-smoker or having strong family values), they believed they were all worthy, capable and able to find a woman who loved them, was trusted by them, remained loyal to them and respected them. So why couldn't he, a man with a wonderful and rewarding career, a 6 figure income and his own house, believe he was just as capable and worthy?
I hope it helped boost his confidence a little, and he did say near the end of the conversation that he realized this relationship was more damaging than beneficial, so I really hope he comes through it alright.