Boyfriend vs. Male Friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Boyfriend vs. Male Friend
8
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 6:27pm
It happens over and over again. My boyfriends can't accept another male in my life besides them. Nothing has ever happened between me and my male friend. We've known each other for 10 years and he's like a brother. I used to think that it's their problem that they can't accept this fact, but now I wonder. In the past I had a horrible relationship in which I received no emotional support from my boyfriend, therefore I turned to friends (male and female) for support during this violent relationship. Now I have someone who emotional supports me, and I spend less time with my friends because I love him and love being with him. He doesn't like that I have another male who I am close to and confide in, he feels that should be his role. I'm beginning to agree. In a marriage your partner is the one you confide in and the relationship takes precedence over other relationships as you build a family. Maybe it's not "natural" for guys and girls to be friends, that the natural thing is procreation, emotions, etc. so therefore there is no true opposite sex friendship.I barely talk with this male friend anyways and when I do it's always superficial talks, but I still think of him as a friend because he was someone who was there for me in my troubled times. I know I shouldn't have to choose. But to be honest, I would rather be with my boyfriend; someone I'm with all the time and can discuss deeper topics with rather than the once close friend that I see once in a blue moon. Is this wrong? Am I setting myself up for more in the future? I think it is wrong to actively seek out new male friends when you are in a relationship, but this is an old friend. One of my other fears is that if I stick to it and say I shouldn't have to choose and lose my boyfriend over it...I'll resent my friend and end up ending that friendship anyways. It also bothers me that in years from now, friends come and go and I'll probably have an entirely different group of friends. I'll proabably have a family that takes up most of my time too. To end this relationship when in a few years this male friend may not even be in the picture is upsetting. Is my thinking right? I would just hurt to lose someone I love and lose a relationship that by all other means is absolutely perfect (and no I'm no deluding myself) over this thing that is inconsequential in my mind, but obviously a monstrous problem in my boyfriends eyes.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 7:57pm

Hmm. From my perspective, it's the SOs who come and go, whereas the friends are much more of a constant in my life. I just got back from NYC where I spent time with 2 male friends I've known for upwards of 25 years now (as well as some long-time female friends). Yet my ex-husband (who was actually introduced to me by one of those 2 guy friends) is no longer in my life in any capacity because his new wife apparently couldn't deal with him being friends with an ex (even though we've been divorced for over 10 years and have been friends during that time).

Anyway...I can't imagine dating someone who wasn't comfortable with my male friends. If they didn't trust me enough to know where the line was, then we're not going to be a good match. Besides, friendship and loyalty are far too important to me to even consider giving up a friend.

But in your case it doesn't sound like you feel your friend is that close, so maybe it wouldn't be that big a deal. But still--the fact that your BF is asking you to choose--not a good sign, IMO. I think that is a characteristic of controlling men, and given the fact that you've been in an abusive relationship before, you need to pay attention to things like that. If it's happening over and over, maybe it's the men you are choosing to be with. I mean, think about it--why on earth would your BF have a problem with a friend you talk to once in a while? That doesn't really make sense, does it?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 8:02pm

Does this friend of yours have any contact with your past boyfriends which has caused the same reaction towards him from all of them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 10:58pm

No my friend is a true friend. I've been single at times while we've been friends and he's never made any advances on me or said anything that would indicate that he has feelings for me. He genuinely gives me good advice when I need it, just like someone should and wants me to be happy.

Like I said, truth be told if I had to choose, I would choose my boyfriend since I have more that I share with him. Like a married couple, you side always with your husband (even though this isn't the case yet). But even when I offered to do this for him, since I do understand a guy's view on this (from my father and brothers, etc), he said no. That its unfair for me to have to choose and change my life for someone and that he's feel guilty for it too. If he recognizes that it's unfair and the guilt part, doesn't that show that his line of thinking is not right? I can't change him, I don't want to, but how do I overcome this. All I can think of is make this sacrifice for him or lose him.

I appreciate all your input so far, it really helps to put things in perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:50pm
So what happens when you become friends at work with some guy, he becomes your close friend and you still have a boyfriend/husband/s/o who doesn't feel it's right for you to have male friends?


IMO this issue is about far more than your one male friend, it's about differences in you and your boyfriend's beliefs. You believe people should be able to have friends of either sex, your boyfriend believes they should not. In the long rung, this isn't an issue that will end with your friend, since it speaks to your beliefs and how you react to male acquaintances, it will continue to be a problem.


For me personally, I've always had lots of male friends. Having a guy in my life who felt it was wrong isn't something I've been able to accept. I had a boyfriend once who felt that way, I felt offended (the inference is that you can't be trusted with a guy or the other way around) and I felt it was totally inappropriate for him to be suggesting what I could and couldn't do. His job was to take a look at who I am and either accept what I was or not. I wasn't about to change how I dealt with men for him -- or anyone else. Did I mention we weren't together long? Lol! My husband married me knowing I have male friends (and knowing them, of course) and has no problems accepting that, or my contact with them.


Beliefs are basics, like morals and values, and are important to agree on in order to have a stable, healthy relationship. Beyond that, I personally wouldn't be willing to submit to how someone else thinks I should treat people, or who I should choose as friends, no way, no how. It's no one else's place to make those choices but mine. Beyond that, if you barely talk to the guy, what's your boyfriend's issue anyway? Sounds like it's also a control issue and that should be a big red warning flag for you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:26am

When we did talk about this he did say that our beliefs and backgrounds were different. He grew up not having females in his family having male friends. He is of Latin descent and I know from others that this is definately a cultural thing and is common in Europe and other parts of the world. I don't think it is an issue of control, it's something that in his culture he is not used to dealing with. He has tried to accept it. I've tried to be cognizant of his feelings and have had him meet my friend, tell him when I'm going out or that I've talked to him out of common courtsey and so he knows that I have nothing to hide. But he says no matter how hard he tries it still bothers him tremendously and he can't continue feeling miserable about this. He says he doesn't doubt my fidelity and recognizes that I have a different background where friends of the opposite sex is ok. He says that neither of us is wrong since this is part of how we were raised and how our beliefs are formed. Because of the culture thing, that is why I'm willing to work with him on this. I offered ( I think I may have already mentioned this) to sacrifice this for him but he said it's unfair and he would feel guilty. He said he has to be true to himself and recognize that he just can't accept it. But as one of my friends said, there has been a change in times. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex. Sure he may find someone who doesn't, but will they have all the strengths our relationship has? I feel like I have to be true to myself as well. But I can't bear the thought of losing him. Especially since I feel so much closer to him than any of my friends. My friends are mostly from high school and college and things have changed even before this relationship. We have jobs and other responsibilities that keep us from each other like we used to. My boyfriend is the one who knows me now, everything about me. He is my best friend too. And I think thats what is so hard.

Once again thank you to all! I am having such a hard time with this and haven't been really able to talk with him yet and in the meantime I'm an emotional wreck! Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 1:58pm

you write: "If he recognizes that it's unfair and the guilt part, doesn't that show that his line of thinking is not right? "


It certainly does.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 2:43pm
he's nicely manupulating you by playing all guilty and sorry. I agree with the others.. he's controlling you.
and btw i dont think that there is ANY culture in the world where people of opposite genders dont mix. your BF himself may be that type, and hold those values but it's certainly not typical of Latino culture in general. or any culture for that matter.
heck if anything latinos know how to have a good time and relax!! and europeans!! give me a break!
your bf is playing the "victim" card and hiding behind "culture" because it's easy and lets him getting away without actually having to explain anything to you. he's escaping from having to answer for his jealousy and control issues. and you are falling for it. I would run from this relationship if i were you.
there are plenty of men out there who are emotionally healthy and will become your "best friend" if you let them. you shouldnt settle for this manipulative controlling person.


Edited 10/23/2006 3:11 pm ET by ingie2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:12am
Your boyfriend is right, cultural differences are one of those things like religion; they don't seem like they'd cause problems in a relationship, certainly nothing a relationship couldn't weather, but the fact is that religion - and culture - are very major parts of us and they typically spell disaster in relationships. It's not a matter of "overcoming" them, it's not a situation where one is wrong and one is right, it's not a matter of one changing to believe the other's POV is correct. It's part of the foundation you were raised with, and it doesn't change or go away for either of you. You've illustrated it nicely; you've been cognizant, respectful and clear, he acknowledges he doesn't feel you'd cheat but it continues to be a problem -- because it's a deep, basic difference. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex, that doesn't enter into it here, because while lots of people might, he does not, nor does he think it's right. "Lots of people" don't enter into this, only he does.


You say "Sure he may find someone who doesn't, but will they have all the strengths our relationship has?" You'll hate this, but I have to say most likely they will. And in your question, you've left yourself entirely out. Sure, you'll find someone who is compatible in your beliefs and your relationship with them will have all the strengths this relationship has -- only it will be stronger because it will be one of acceptance and compatibility too. You are looking at this from the angle of what you are giving up, him; and not what your needs are -- acceptance and compatible beliefs. he recognizes the importance of compatible beliefs and realizes the difference will cause serious problems for you. I'm sorry you're having these problems, I know it's hard to face irresolvable issues when you so want things to be right (and when much of the relationship is right), but settling for less than you want and need will not get you happiness, it will get you misery, and compromising your beliefs for his will eventually cause frustration and resentment. Any of the above will likely destroy the relationship.


Having friends you are or are not close to has nothing to do with a relationship being right for you. Your friend base will change, fluctuate, go from few to full and back again, your beliefs will not.


He may well be the best you've got right now, and he's likely darned close to what's ideal for you, but he's certainly not right in this aspect, he's not close enough. Relationships aren't about giving up friends, beliefs, ways of handling yourself for your partner, it's about complimenting each other, it's about not having to give up or change a thing for each other.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"