I am ready to leave my Husband...

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
I am ready to leave my Husband...
8
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:06am

We have only been married a year and have a 3 month old (honeymoon baby). And as of now I wish I could just leave with the baby and never see my husand again. I honestly feel that would make me happy. I need some insight on a very serious disagreement that my husband and I have.

We are both involved in a mentoring program for inner city at-risk teen youths. My husband has been one-on-one mentoring a certain boy for a year, very nice kid 15 yr old. The boy's mom and step-dad went away for a romantic weekend last weekend (the stepdad is going to jail for a long period of time) and asked my husband to take the boy in our home for the weekend since we are a better influence than the boy's sister.

When my husband mentioned this to me, I was furious. I told him I felt it is wrong and I dont want us to take him in. I am completely against mixing mentoring and family life-my home is me and the baby's sanctuary for privacy and safety. PLUS he is a teenage boy and I am a first time new breastfeeding mom and the whole situation can be rather uncomfortable at times and why should I be uncomfortable in my own home. He is a good kid now but is in danger of getting in with the "wrong crowd" hence he is being mentored. I already checked out his myspace and there is gang paraphenalia on it. My husband chose to ignore my request and have him stay with us for the weekend anyway. Needless to say I am FURIOUS. I stayed out (at sisters) with the baby Friday nite and came home late Saturday(they were still home, but it is hard to be away with the baby for long). We have had some REALLY bad arguments and at this point are not speaking. I told him counseling or a divorce because I wont live like this. He told me to call my attorney. ANd I am seriously considering doing that-the only thing that is stopping me is custody issues. I cant imagine leaving my baby with him for days at a time.

Plus my husband is nieve and Im worried he could put the baby in harms way with this mentoring crap. I dont know what to do and I am sick over this. I really want to leave him, but it could get messy with the whole custody issues. I am so angry that he put that kid and his family's request above and beyond his own wife. I understand his passion, but he crossed the line. Is it me? Please help-I really need advice. I keep crying and the poor baby is wondering why his mommy is so messed up. I basically hate my husband now and he wont go to counseling and I will not get over this on my own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:25am

He most definitely should NOT have had someone in your home without you agreeing to it first. And you have every right to be concerned about it. You made a threat though, and he's calling your bluff. He doesn't think you will leave him over this. He thinks if he waits long enough that it will go away. I would move out. Or have your H move out, if you are THIS serious about it. And then contact a lawyer.

Honestly, you shouldn't have gotten furious right off the bat. You should have calmly told your H your objections and the two of you should have talked together about it. It's possible that your level of reaction put him off and it became a matter of "I'm not going to let her dictate to me" instead of working together. Couples counseling would be a great thing.

AND, I would have had just as many issues and for the same reasons that you did about this kid being in my home overnight. Don't know if the first time it happened would be enough for me to divorce my H but I most definitely would have boundaries set. Something along the lines of, "I do not feel safe in my home when the kids you mentor know where we live and visit. I will need to take steps to protect myself if I do not feel safe. I will move out and not stay in the house if I do not feel safe here." But NEVER say anything you aren't prepared to follow through on.

Jen



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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:38am

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 8:14pm
Even if he won't go to counseling, it might benefit you to go by yourself. Honestly, your reaction seems really extreme if you say you absolutely hate him and wish you could never see him again. Yes it was wrong for him to invite someone over for the weekend, but it seems even more wrong that you'd be feeling hatred to this extent over that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 9:19pm

You said you can't live like this - but it has to be more than just this one kid this one weekend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:20am

I just hear so much anger and extreme positions in your post.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 1:41am
I have a question for you, Angilena, how did you feel about your husband before this came up? Was your relationship good? Did you trust his judgment? Or did you feel differently. Would you say leaving and never seeing him again would have made you happy before this came up?


I'm not saying this issue isn't important and serious, it is. But the fact that it's hard to stay away, and the fact that you keep crying would suggest that you didn't hate your husband before this, and hating him over one issue would seem to be more brought on by the high emotions that came up rather than a lasting feeling. Since it's Monday, I assume this all came up over the last weekend and as a result your emotions are still quite high over it; understandably so. I also think it's likely that you each got into a situation where your backs felt against the wall, threats were thrown out and actions and decisions were reactions to the high emotional levels rather than how either of you would have reacted/responded under different conditions. Does your husband generally disregard you in decision making?


If this isn't typical of either of you, I'd suggest agreeing to give yourselves a day or two to cool off, then come together to discuss it in a rational, non-defensive way, actively listening and talking.


What do you think? What kind of relationship did you have before this situation came up?







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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:45am
message deleted by me.


Edited 10/25/2006 7:51 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:11am

You said, "I keep crying and the poor baby is wondering why his mommy is so messed up"

You should NOT be cyring in front of your baby. You are angry with your husband. So, angry that you gave him the ultimatum that he get counseling or you will leave. But, if you are so distraught that you can not keep your emotions in check in front of your child...then, you need some counseling for that.

About divorcing your husband, I separated from my exh when our son was 5.5 months old. The judge does not award the child to one parent without giving the other one visitation rights. It's naive of you to think that your child will not be spending a lot of time with his father in the future. The fact that he's a mentor actually makes him look like a good guy...a nurturing, sympathetic, good-with-kids kind of guy.

If you are hysterical in court and he's very calm, he might actually get custody. It depends on how vigorously he pursues the issue in the courts.