AGAINST PARENT'S WISHES

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
AGAINST PARENT'S WISHES
6
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 12:57am

okay i have a big problem. it's really a long story but i'm gonna make it as short as i can......my parents hate my boyfriend. well me exbf. we broke up three months ago. we would have been together 4 years this coming spring. we're both twenty and live with our parents. i'm in my last year of nursing school and will graduate this spring. my parents pay for my school and pretty much everything else for me. (i'm from an uppermiddle class family, he's from lowermiddle class). long story short, we've broken up three times during our relationship. first time was for four days, second was for two months, and this time is going on three months. each time, my parents made do it. each time, it didnt matter because i'm still in love with the man. the last time we broke up though, i was upset too and sorta agreed on breaking up. but since then, i've dated a bit and have realized that despite the problems we've been through, he's the one i want to be with. (the problems we had mainly dealt with our young age and immaturity)....we started talking again about two months ago and he feels the same way. he's extremely sorry for what happend(it was his fault) and says he'll do whatever it takes to be with me....

but my parents hate the kid! they really do. and they told me the last time we broke up that if i stay with him, they'll "cut me off". meaning they wont pay for my college and they would take away my car to get to class. i dont want to sound spoiled because i'm not, but i'm THIS close to graduating. but i'm getting a scholarship and i know i can pay for my last semester of school no problem. the only problem i would have would be getting to and from. i could carpool but it would just be difficult not having a car....but i'm so afraid to tell them i'm still in love with him and want to be with him because i know my parents would flip!

my mom asked me yesterday if i was still talking to him and i panicked and lied and said no and she said "cause if we find out that you are and are lying to us, sh*t will hit the fan.".....and that really freaked me out. does that mean they'll kick me out?

well i talked to my ex (well in my heart, we're still together) and he said no matter what happend he'll be there for me. if we have to get a tiny apartment and rough it out till i graduate, he'll be there. he said he knows my parents will make my life a living hell when they find out but he's ready to deal with it (he sorta dealt with it already). but the thing is, i dont know if i am!

well i know i want to be with him. but our initial plan was to keep our love on the sly until i graduate or until the spring when i'm close to graduation. but since all the guys i've dated never went beyond a second date, my parents are beginning to suspect i'm still talking to him (man,they really are smart, gotta give them credit there). but i dont know what to do. should i try to keep things secret as long as possible and avoid the biggest fight in family history or should i just straight out tell them now and deal with the consequences?

i really hate lying to my parents. but i dont know what else to do. i dont know if i'm ready to deal with the fact that i'm going to disappoint them. but if i follow their wishes, i'd be disappointed myself and my guy and making myself extremely unhappy. but i seriously dont know what to do!

and i know he's the one. i just do. he's my best friend. we've been through a lot together. he knows me more than anyone and vice versa. we can talk about anything and sit there in silence and still feel totally connected and comfortable. when i'm with him, i'm happy. i'm a different person and i love it. he makes me feel so loved and complete....i cant even describe how i know he's the one. but he is and the fact that i'm even thinking about defying my parents and possibly move out on them for him, is evident enough on my feelings for him.

and this is the only thing i've ever done against my parents wishes. seriously! i've always done what they told me to do. but this is my heart we're dealing with. and i cant ignore my feeling. they run too strong and too deep to ignore......

but my mind and heart is made up. they cant tell me who to love. but should i wait to tell them that the one i love is the one they hate? or just get it over with? or should we wait to figure out how to deal with the worse case scenario(them kicking me out). me and my guy are already beginning to plan for the worse. but we just dont know when that'll happen. i know the longer we wait, the more likely they're gonna find out on their own.....should i just let them catch me? what should i do?! how do i go about this?! i love this man, and it kills me to not be able to show it. it kills me to act like i hate him just as much as my parents when i'm around them. but i also hate lying to my parents but i'm so afraid to tell them and disappoint them.i cant deal with it anymore! i need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:04am

Welcome il_heart.

Before I give any advice, I'd like to know more about why your parents don't like your boyfriend. I get that you're from different classes, but I'm guessing that there's more to it. Could you put yourself in your parent's shoes and tell us why they are so opposed to him?

And I've got another question for you: what do your friends think of your boyfriend?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-24-2006 - 2:16am
Welcome to the board, Il_heart04 ~


I have some questions for you that will help in being able to answer your post:


  • Why do your parents hate him, what reasons do they give you, what reasons do you know they have?
  • Are your parents generally wrong in what they want for you/from you or do they generally have your best interest at heart? Do they generally have good advice for you or are they usually way off the mark?
  • What did you boyfriend do that caused your break up? I know he says he's sorry and he'll do what he needs to do, what does he need to do to make it right?


    I'll be checking back for your answers ~






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:33am

    you write: "my mom asked me yesterday if i was still talking to him and i panicked and lied and said no and she said "cause if we find out that you are and are lying to us, sh*t will hit the fan.".....and that really freaked me out. does that mean they'll kick me out?"


    I think it means she's going to make good on her threats to turn you out, take your ride and cut you off from the money source.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-08-2005
    Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:46pm

    okay actually my bf is going to therapy. he goes twice a week and has been going for the past three months. he said it as really opened his eyes to what happend with us and he's changed because of what has happend.

    and it's not that roughing it with less money that's an issue- i can pay for my school. i got a scholarship. it's the paying for a vehicle to get there that would be in a issue. and i know i could do it if i had to. he makes decent money, he could support me if i continue to work one day a week like i do now. but i wouldnt let him do that even though he already said he would.

    but that isnt the issue. i know my parents will always be there for me. if i moved out and it didnt work they would never just ''shut me out''. they didnt do that to my other two sisters.

    i'm going to tell them. i just dont know when.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:33am
    So what did your boyfriend do that results in the need for months of therapy?


    Why don't your parents like him? Do they generally give you good advice? Do you generally respect their opinions on things?







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

    Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Fri, 10-27-2006 - 11:16am

    did they lie in your parents' face