good guy, but really confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
good guy, but really confused
6
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:03pm

Hi,

I haven't posted a message in a while ... after realizing that my bf and I had communication issues and that he has commitment issues, we started going to counseling several weeks ago. It's been slow going, but the good news is that he seems to be able to communicate better and values me and the relationship enough to try to work through his issues. The bad news is that he is really confused. He says that he needs to have a balance in his life, but his idea of balance is seeing his friends and going out, and setting aside maybe a Friday night or Saturday night for me. I'm not a priority for him, but I'm trying to give him his space in the hope that he will "come around." The thing is, I really believe that he knows we can have a wonderful future together, but that for some reason, he's just not ready for all that now. And what's worse is that his stress about all of this has manifested itself into an extreme case of exzcema and various other physical issues, including a muscle spasm in his neck last week.

So I guess my question is ... am I being stupid for hanging on to some hope for us? We've been together over 2 years and so on the one hand, I feel like if he's not sure about marriage now, then it's just not meant to be. On the other hand, I think he's really struggling and trying to work through his issues. Also, I've brought up the idea of breaking up, but he gets resentful about that and honestly, I feel it would be hard for me to move on, given everything that we've invested in the relationship and the fact that he's been willing to go to counseling and he seems to be trying. FYI, I'll be 35 this weekend and he's 33.

Finally, what should I reasonably expect from our counselor? We've met with her together only twice so far, and met with her separately about twice each, and I haven't seen her really give us much insight into things. She seems to be more of a facilitator, so it can be frustrating at times.

In the meantime, I've been going through ups and downs, where I'm ok with him doing whatever he wants one day, and then the next day I'm sad and upset when he chooses to do something else rather than spend time with me. I also feel that the increased distance between us is causing us to grow apart. Our counselor has asked me if I can be patient with him for two more months, and to take the pressure off, but sometimes I feel like then he's just getting what he wants or "buying more time" and it's hard to see it leading to what I want, which is ultimately to know that we will settle down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:12pm

Welcome back,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 3:21pm

You said: "I'm not a priority for him..."


The crux of your issue lies in this one statement.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 5:31pm
Yes, I agree that I really have to decide whether this is enough for me or whether it's really time for me to move on. As my posts have shown, I have been really struggling with this. He keeps saying that the fact that he's willing to go to counseling shows that he's willing to work on his issues, and I do give him credit for that. And another way to look at it is that counseling will take time, so I need to be patient, but all the while knowing that he will likely stay the same. So it's really hard. It's kind of a push and pull with my emotions, so I wish I could just not let things affect me so much, which I have been able to do more and more. Also, I feel that I am starting to be open to the idea of meeting new guys, but I am still holding out hope for my bf, in case he decides to "wake up" and realize what's at stake. So, I guess the question is, how do I best maneuver this "limbo state"? I feel really stuck and frustrated, and also a little schizo, telling my friends one moment that I am really ready to move on, that I don't really need him, and another, just hoping that things will work out between us. Also, I guess what I'm hoping to get from the counselor is for her to be able to say that it seems like he's going through a phase or that he really seems to have a commitment problem that may never go away. Is it reasonable to expect a counselor to "decipher" the situation that way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 5:48pm

Run,


You are still looking to someone else to give you a definitive answer regarding what "you should do" where this relationship is concerned.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:23am

You should be looking for someone that

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:28am
I agree with Dirextor and Orangecuse, but would like to add a few things.


You say you "really have to decide if this is enough for me". Well, it seems pretty clear that it's not. If it was enough for you, you'd be satisfied and have no reason to post as you'd have no concerns or unhappiness.


Your boyfriend is having physical symptoms as a result of this relationship. Personally? If being with me was causing enough stress and anxiety that the guy I was with was having physical symptoms, that would be enough for me. Even if he doesn't get the "writing on the wall" from it, I would.

You say it would be hard for you to move on, given everything that you've invested in the relationship. Why does it seem logical to continue to struggle in a relationship that doesn't give you what you want and need for the rest of your life simply because you've already put two years into it? Walking away from two years is a whole lot better than putting the rest of your life into something that's not what you want. In my book, writing off two years is a whole lot better than writing off your whole life.


You're going to hate this, but it occurred to me and I have to throw it out there. It seems that your boyfriend is making a point of saying that the fact that he's willing to go to counseling shows that he's willing to work on his issues. It's entirely possible that he's going to counseling for all the wrong reasons. It may be that his goal isn't to change or "work on issues" but to keep you in the relationship. Does that make sense? If his ultimate goal and drive is to keep you there, and the only way he can do that is to go through counseling, he'll do it, but not to facilitate any real change in himself or in your situation. I realize you're early into counseling, but what I'm hearing you say is that nothing has really changed; he's still keeping you at the same priority level, he hasn't shown any move towards change. BTDT with my ex-husband. He'd jump offer to jump through lots of hoops when I'd "had it" and was ready to end it, couples counseling, individual counseling, inpatient alcohol treatment, you name it, and they all were "successful" for a limited time before he went right back to his old ways. It took me a long time to realize that he never did want to stop doing what he was doing, he never wanted to change, what he wanted was to keep me in the marriage and he'd do what it took to make that happen. But change himself? Nah, he didn't ever want that. He was very happy with himself just the way he was. I was the one who was unhappy. I'm not saying your boyfriend has any kind of addiction problem, but I don't think he has to for the situation to apply


You seem unsure of what to expect from the therapist. I think the best place to direct those questions to is your therapist. Tell her/him what you're looking for from him/her, ask him/her what you should expect. It's important to have your expectations known and to have an understanding of what to expect, as well as what his/her goal is. There's no reason not to say, "why are we doing this" and "what will two more months of letting him do what he wants achieve?" This is your therapy, you shouldn't wade through it in the dark. I will tell you that typically, your therapist's goal is to help each of you figure out what you want, but it's a conversation that you should be having with the therapist.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"