How do you trust again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
How do you trust again?
10
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 2:05pm
How can you learn to trust someone again when that person has lied to you over and over and over? Is it even worth the time and effort to try to trust again? How do you know if they are really telling the truth this time? Please help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:23pm

Welcome to the board, Wishuwerehere ~


A couple of questions to better understand your situation:



  • How recent is the lying behavior?

  • How long has this person been lying to you?

  • What is he or she doing that gives you reason to think the lying has stopped?

It would be great if you could explain your situation, specifics are always better to respond to then generalizations; and understanding what specifically is going on may help us help you see things differently than you are from the middle of the situation.


I'll be checking back for your answers!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 1:23pm
Well, we've been together for a little over 2 years now, and he lied to me for a year and a half of it. Since then he's only lied about little things here and there. I feel like I don't know what to believe that comes out of his mouth anymore. I think he's tried to stop lying, but he's so used to it, that I think it's become a part of the way he is. He dosen't only lie to me, I have witnessed him lie to friends and family as well. It worries me because he dosen't even flinch when he does it. It comes very naturally to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 1:46pm
you cannot build trust with someone who chooses to lie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:51pm
You can't learn to believe someone who consistently lies to you, how could you? You said he's continuing to tell small lies, and that says he's still unbelievable, untrustworthy, simply put - still lying. Quite honestly, if he'll lie about the small things you know full well that he'll lie about big, important things to, there is no situation that you can trust him in.


Wish, you said he's lied for 1.5 years of your 2-year relationship, I suspect that's not true. It's much more likely that he lied all the time, you just didn't catch it for the first six months because you didn't know him and the situations well enough yet. I'd also bet he's always lied to his friends and family, it's just that now you see it where you didn't before. His lying didn't start after you started up with him, I'm betting they've been a part of him for many, many years before you came on the scene.


Quenek's right, a compulsive liar can only change with years of focused therapy - and of course, they need to want to be there, and they need to want to change. The problem is that few compulsive liars go into therapy or successfully complete it because they deny that they have a lying problem or continue to lie in therapy. Interestingly, in a lecture I recently attended, the speaker (who was a therapist who currently specializes in treating sex offenders), said that he found that compulsive liars actually continue to lie under hypnosis; it's that deep and that strong in them.

Here's some information on compulsive lying:

A compulsive liar will resort to telling lies, regardless of the situation. For a compulsive liar telling lies is routine - it becomes a habit and a way of life.

Simply put, for a compulsive liar, lying becomes second nature.

Not only do compulsive liars bend the truth about issues large and small, but they take some comfort in it. Lying feels right to a compulsive liar. Telling the truth, on the other hand, is difficult and uncomfortable for a compulsive liar to do.

And like any other behavior that provides comfort and an escape from discomfort (i.e., alcohol, drugs, sex), lying can become very addictive and hard to stop. For the compulsive liar, lying feels safe and this fuels the desire to lie even more.

He's been lying for at least the last year and a half, and he continues to lie. You can't trust him, plain and simple. All you can do is decide if this is something you can accept and live with or not. You have no reason to believe he will change, nothing that indicates what he'll do except continued lies. That says he's not changing. As long as you're with him he'll be a liar and you won't know what is the truth and what is a lie, from simple things to very important issues. I'm sorry.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:11pm
What I said was that he lied for the FIRST year and a half of the almost 2 year relationship, not the LAST year and a half. What makes me believe that he might be trying to stop lying is that the last half he hasn't told as many lies and he seems to be making an effort lately. He only lies about small things now. But as you said, that's probably because I didn't catch him. He's gotten smarter and adapted to me always catching him in lies and I know he has friends that will cover for him, so I never really know what the truth is anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 4:00pm

Actually, what you said was "...we've been together for a little over 2 years now, and he lied to me for a year and a half of it.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:09am
there is no such thing as a degree of lying--it's still not telling the truth. Lying about small things is no better than lying about big things because you're still kept from what is the truth... and that is a form of control and manipulation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 12:14pm
Sorry, that's what I meant to write. That's what I was thinking when I was typing, I don't know how it got left out. I was pretty angry about the whole thing while typing-can you blame me? His lying makes me so angry. I don't understand why he does it. I've pleaded with him over and over to just tell me the truth!! And for some reason, he finds that to be an impossible task. I never even realized the compulsive lying is a sickness that needs to be taken care of in a therapists office, I'm officially scared now because I love this guy and don't want to end the relationship. It's not that easy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:42pm
That's okay ~ and no, I don't blame you at all. Being lied to is disrespecting you, it's insulting, it's offensive and it's embarrassing. It doesn't allow your relationship to grow or to be healthy; how can it be? Important components like trust and respect can't be there. Lies negate any positives in the relationship.


I know it's not easy, but the truth of the matter is the only person you can make choices for is yourself. All you can do is take an honest look at the guy who's before you and ask yourself if you can accept him as he is, no changes. That's the only thing that you have any reason to count on -- no change. The problem is, the actions of guys like this wreak so much destruction on a relationship that even if they do ever change, they've done too much damage for the relationship to continue. It would be pretty hard to ever believe someone who'd lied to you for two years and it would be very hard to hold any respect for them either.


The women who have come to this board who have married liars have just what they married -- liars. To their dismay, their husband's don't change and they find the liar they married continues to be a liar. They almost always also unhappy and resentful because all their friends eventually end their friendships, as they don't like being around a liar. An unhealthy, dysfunctional trait can't be a part of a healthy relationship, as soon as it's added, the relationship is no longer healthy.

I'm sorry. The right decision isn't always the one you want to choose.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 2:13am
Thanks for all your advice