I am so frustrated with DH - venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
I am so frustrated with DH - venting
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Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:39am

DH and I have been married for 7.5 years. We have a 4 yr old and a 2.5 yr old. He is a very, very insecure person. He is emotionally abusive to me and everything in our relationship is about him. I just need to vent. We had an intervention several weeks ago due to his behaviors. He also has problems at work and never seems to be happy or successful.

I just spoke to him on the phone this morning and he hung up on me. I was not feeling well last night so DH reheated dinner for everyone. Tended to the kids (doesn't normally). Really tried to make sure that I was being cared for. He then got on the phone for 30+ minutes and I tried putting the kids to be but they wanted stories and the like and I wasn't up for it. I put them in their room and went into the spare room to get some sleep. DH was mad at me because I didn't say goodnight to him and tell him how appreciative I was for how much he did for me. I made a snide remark to him that he didn't greet me when he got home from work.

Then the day before he was also cooking dinner and he was in a pissy mood last night. He went on to tell me he resents me when he does anything for me.

Then I got invited to my friend's Pampered Chef party. Then a new guy's friend's wife called me to invite me to her Pampered Chef party. DH told me I have to go to his new friend's party because he wants to be friends with the guy. I said even though I got my friends invitation first?

Then I have a 4 day business trip planned and I wanted to add the weekend to it so I could see my father. DH says no because it is too hard for him and his mom (she watches the kids) if I am away. He says take another weekend and go see them. Well we don't have the money to spend on airfare to do that. Also when you are flying across the country for the weekend, you loose a lot of time to travel for the time changes.

I have started counseling. He goes back and forth with me as to whether he will go to counseling. I am just so tired of having to hold up the family. Last night I told him I wasn't feeling well and he kept telling me I was being ungrateful and grouchy. He tells me he has to protect himself from getting hurt and he has to know from me that I will be there for him. He feels I let him down constantly and is always on the lookout for the next time I will let him down. He just can't put up with being hurt anymore. I have to continually PROVE to him that I love him. If I do something he doesn't like, he takes it personally. I guess what he is really saying is that he wouldn't fight for me if I told him I had enough of his childish and immature behavior???

I am really starting to get tired of this whole thing but I don't think I can leave until we've spent a decent amount of time trying counseling. I also want to wait until the kids are in school fulltime so that daycare won't be so much of an issue. There will also be some other financial benefits if I wait a little longer.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:47am

Have you discussed any of this with your therapist?


If you're going to put a time condition on when you think you want to leave, then I don't understand what you expect to be done in the interrim with regards to your husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:15am

It sounds like you're ready to leave this guy. Obviously you're "checked-out" mentally and he knows it too. That's why he's acting insecure- he has every reason to.

You're not a bad person, it's just obvious is all I'm saying. But think about it first: what you have is a guy who a) communicates his feelings (what's this I heard about him telling you he felt let down and communicated he was scared to get hurt- sounds like a feeling talker to me!) and b) makes an effort to help at home. You mentioned several times he cooks. My fiance is the nicest guy in the world and he only cooked for me once- on my birthday.

It sounds like the things you're complaining about HIM are actually things he might have a right to complain about YOU (lack of communication- hell you're plotting to leave the guy!- and lack of effort etc.)

I don't know you other than the two paragraphs you wrote, but that's my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:47am

It's really hard when you are told that you are resented because your H did something for you. Now when he does things it's not a matter of "Look at how nice he's being." It becomes, "Great, now he's going to resent me and be pissy." And then when you say thank you, you have to be profusive enough or you didn't appreciate him ENOUGH. Or he still resents it because you didn't reciprocate....

When he said you couldn't go that weekend to your dad's, did he discuss it with you or lay down the law? When he said you had to go to this one woman's Pampered Chef party, did he ask or just tell you? And why can't you GO to both?

You say he's emotionally abusive and there has even been an intervention because of his behavior. Do others see it? You also said he has problems at work. What kind? Is he just this pissy with everyone? What's his mother like?

(((Hugs)))

Jen



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:12pm
Welcome to the board, Sotodog. You've described a lot of control and certainly some entitlement issues from your husband, and you also said he's verbally abusive. How does the verbal abuse come out?


I'm wondering, he says you can't stay a few extra days to visit your father, that you can go back another weekend, but you said you can't afford that; I assume he knows the state of your finances? Would it be likely that he'd then refuse to let you go because you can't afford it? I have to clarify that when I use words like "he says you can't" and "he won't let you go", I know full well that you can do whatever you want, you're not his servant, you can make your own choices whether he approves it or not.


I have lots I could say, but I'm not sure what you're looking for. You didn't ask for help or suggestions on anything, were you looking for our opinions on your plan or our opinions on your situation? I expect living like this for another four years seems pretty awful, but then you also said you feel you need to spend a decent amount of time in therapy before leaving, which sounds like you're not planning to wait until your child is school age. Does your therapist know about the abuse? What's his or her take on your situation? How long have you been going? What constitutes a "decent" amount of time for counseling?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 7:23am

I am really not sure what I want at this point. DH can be so, so difficult to deal with. He was raised in a Greek family and was the only boy. He got pretty much what he wanted and his mother did everything for him. She still does now that she watches the kids. I know that I don't stand up to him which is part of the problem I've created. I need to uncreate it. I just started counseling. DH keeps going back and forth as to whether he's going to go. He just tells me that I'm the only one with the problems and until I change he won't change. When he's abusive, he tells me I'm worthless, useless, etc and he's going to leave, I'm not worth staying with, he'll find someone better. How many years can I stand to hear this? Sometimes his reaction like that is to what I think are just little things.

He seems to think all things that happen are directed towards him. Yesterday he had a run in with a neighbor. This neighbor always drives fast in the neighborhood and he'll tallgate us if we're driving the speed limit in the neighborhood. This neighbor has been talked to, yelled at and has recieved letters about his speed (there are a lot of children under 10 on the way to this guy's house). So yesterday, DH pulled out of the driveway and the neighbor was on his tail. DH let the guy pass him but eventually they got stopped at a red light and DH got out to tell the guy to slow down. I'm not real clear on what happened but DH was pointing his finger and the neighbor tried to push his hand away and then DH pushed the neighbor's head. Now DH is so worried he's going to go to jail for this.

DH refuses to get involved in the finances. He'll ask me if we have money to do this or that. He now is saying he'll go into credit card debt in order to have the fun he craves. I absolutely refuse to enter into credit card debt. He's on full commission and his salary has been going down instead of up so I'm sure he know that it's his income that is causing this and it makes him feel bad.

His comments on the trip to see my dad were pretty much his decision and that's it. He feels that I am trying to get away (I guess from him???). I think that if I tried to go another time he would be OK but I'm sure I'd hear why everyone wasn't going. I just don't understand why it's so difficult to watch his kids for 2 days. Yeah, I'm sure it's hard to hear them asking "where's mommy?" and "when is mommy coming home?" but I don't believe it will scar them for life. I told him I thought it would be good bonding time for him to have with the kids without me.

DH hasn't really spent much time helping around the house although he believes he does. Everything he does, I have to be at his side doing. When I'm doing something, he's watching TV or telling me to sit down next to him. The only thing he seems to do is wash his car. He does sometimes help out but not too much. He says he'll only do 50% but when I do 100% he doesn't jump in to help. This helping just started out because I got frustrated and now he tells me he resents me for having to do it.

DH is very in touch with his feelings and emotions and speaks about them frequently. The problem to some degree is perception of things. He thinks all events revolve around him just like the neighbor above. DH believes that the neighbor only does this to him and DH has got to stand up to the guy. DH says that his life is so hard and everyone else, including me, has it so easy. We joke about the conspiracy against him. He complains that we don't do the things we did when we were just married. Back then we didn't have 2 small children, a mortgage, and we had money. We can't be traveling all over the world and going to exotic restaurants all the time. I would love to travel and go out to 'cool' restaurants but it needs to be in the budget and right now we'd have to give something up in order to do that. DH won't hear of that but he also won't do the bills. It would just be even more depressing to him.

DH has never really been happy at any job. He doesn't have any confidence in himself. He thinks no one likes him. He in a sales job so that is a major debilitating factor. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He has a hard time working in a tradtional office environment. Now he's at a place where he knows he won't get fired and there are no annual reviews and no one is over his shoulder. That is what he likes but then no one is pushing him to do more. He stresses constantly because he gets a lot of validation from his job and when he's not making money he thinks he's a failure.

He has standards which are way too high. If he doesn't meet those standards, he feels he's a failure. He's constantly beating himself up about things he's not doing well enough in his mind.

I'm not sure what I am looking for. DH does have a lot of great qualities but we can't continue with it as it is. I hope we can make it work out and I'm willing to get counseling help. Dh's sister thinks DH might be slightly depressed (as is his father). I'll let a professional decide that. I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect. I am just hitting bottom here trying to hope that things will change. I believe once I've decided that I'm done, I'm out. I am also not sure DH has the strength to fight for me if I say I'm done. He gets pissy when I'm sick and just acting like a sick person (quietly sitting on the couch watching TV and not really reacting to anything and maybe a little grouchy).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:09pm

First of all, both of you need to stop saying your husband is "HELPING" you when he does housework and takes care of the kids. How did those things become YOUR job? If I read your post correctly you are not even a stay-at-home mom. You have a paid job just like he does. So you're equally responsible for parenting and housework.

But your marital problems go much deeper than the division of labor. I know there are always two sides to every story, but I can't think of many things that would be more painful than to be called "worthless" and "useless" by my husband. That's verbal abuse and it's unacceptable. I don't know if counseling can help in an abusive circumstance like this... but I'm positive it has NO chance of helping if he doesn't go with you to the therapy sessions!

I also hear something else in your story... you said you don't think he would FIGHT for you if you tried to leave him. That says to me that what you're REALLY afraid of is finding out that your husband doesn't love or VALUE you. Well, all I can say is something you've probably heard a million times before: a person who doesn't love himself is incapable of really loving anyone else.

Well, he is who he is, and you can't change him. But if you're going to stay you need to change your own attitude, behaviors and responses to him. Choose your battles. If an issue arises that you can handle on your own, handle it. Forget about nagging and pleading with him to do his fair share. Take care of your home and your children. Let him marinate in his own filth if he doesn't want to wash the clothes or clean the bathtub out.

But stand firm on the things that are important. Take the extra days and go see your father. Why spend extra money to go across the country again? I don't know how hold your dad is but ... take it from me... you only get ONE father and the time with him on this earth is short. My father has been dead 26 years and I still miss him every day.

I don't know what else to advise you. But I hope you find a peaceful solution for your own wellbeing and your kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 3:59pm
It's nice to see you back, Jilly73!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:15am
I agree with what Jilly has said. If I hear you correctly, since your husband has said, "no" then visiting your father is out of the question, is that correct? So he has all the say and all the power? Or is it just not worth listening to the abuse and complaining you'd have to hear to do it anyway? My ex-husband was verbally abusive too, and I know I compromised my beliefs and standards a lot just to keep it from happening. I wasn't too proud of myself for what the choices I made. My ex would have whined and complained (and been furious with me) for leaving him with kids who wanted Mommy, but the fact is, it's a reflection on the kind of parent these guys are. Children who see their fathers as caregivers, who feel safe and secure with them in that role don't have an issue with Mommy being gone.


It also seems that he dictates everything with his demands and threats. You won't go see your father. You will handle all the finances, but if you don't give him money when he wants it, he will go into credit card debt. You take care of the house, he storms and acts entitled. He even controls you - you have to always be at his side. That's not a relationship, it's a slave/master situation. He doesn't strive to be a partner, he does what he thinks he has to do and complains to you about it, even though it's less than an equal share. My ex hated every job he had too, in fact, there was little in life he didn't find a reason to complain about.


The thing about abuse is it doesn't happen all the time, things are good a fair amount of time. What I finally realized though, was that the abuse didn't come and go randomly, but in cycles -- and that's typical in abuse. Tension would rise until he'd blow, I could feel it coming, but was unable to keep things calm and happy to keep the explosion from coming. What I didn't realize then is I had nothing to do with the explosion, it was about him, not me and not whatever the situation was that seemed to cause him to blow. After the explosion he'd be better, he made an attempt and gave me reason to think things were getting better. But, it would always come back around to the explosion; maybe a week later, maybe a month or more, but it always came back.


Something you should realize; verbal abuse is abuse. It's not a situation that one type of abuse is acceptable or not such a big deal as opposed to others. But, if you want to think of it that way, you should know that studies show that verbal abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. Does your therapist know about the verbal abuse? Is s/he trained in dealing with abuse? You need to know that couples counseling is not ever indicated in abuse, not in any kind of abuse. Here's an article that explains why: "Regular" vs. DV Counseling

Another issue that you haven't mentioned, but I'm sure you're thinking about is how living like this is affecting your kids. Even if the verbal abuse isn't "all the time" or isn't often at all, they're still growing up in it and they're being affected by it. When you consider that children define how men and women are supposed to be, dad defines how men should be and mom defines how women should be. They're understudies for the roles you're playing out for them. And that's not touching what growing up in a verbally abusive home does to them emotionally. Hard stuff to look at and think about, I know. Been there.

Here are some informational posts on verbal abuse from the the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage :

What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?


Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them). A great audio interview with the author of one of the books I suggested above:

Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

I know I've thrown a ton of stuff at you, sorry about that, but I do hope you take a look at it.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 4:17am
hi, i was just surfing the boards. never posted here but your situation is carbon copy to mine. maybe i can help. first of all "i hope WE can work this out" and "I am willing to get counseling". Your husband has abusive traits. abuse does not just come in the form of a slap. it comes in the form of bullying, controlling, talking down, manipulating with guilt, selfishness, and many other forms. "WE" will never be able to work this out until "HE" admits that he needs to change himself. "YOU" should be getting counseling for yourself to help you STOP giving him carte blanche to behave in those ways, and to make the best decisions for yourself and your children to live in a healthy and peaceful existence. My saga is quite long but will break it down to the important points that i think will help you. My husband behaved the exact same way. for 10 years and worsened. he recently lost his job because of his temper and his cockiness. he lost me and his step-daughter this past sept. because of the same things you described. everything was all about him. i teetered back and forth with what to do. i thought it was MY JOB to keep the family together and do whatever i had to do to make the marriage work.I was exhausted constantly. I was going against the tide. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and left. oh we ended up with orders of protection and everything. i hope this does not go that far for you, but he really didnt like not getting his way. I held my ground as scared as i was but i had just reached the end of my rope. i cried every day but i stood firm..... it was not about him or the marriage anymore it was about me and what i deserved. fast forward to now. i am very happy to say that was the brick that needed to hit him on the head. he is in anger management therapy now and loves it. for 10 years therapy was not part of his vocabulary. it was beneath him. he knew everything and we were all fools. imagine that. he has admitted to being a bully, abusive and angry. all of the above. in a nutshell he admitted to his abusive and selfish traits and is now working on re-learning how to live differently. he was raised by an abusive alcoholic man. its the only way he knew all his life. He needed to be placed in a situation where he suffered loss. in the meantime i moved into a small 2 bedroom apartment. left my big beautiful home. i'm still dealing with that at times. but i signed a lease for a year and we are starting over. like dating. i am working in therapy on how not be an "enabler" to him. My point behind me telling you this is not to tell you to just pack up your kids and go. i dont know your situation financially but you have to realize that it is not your job to "make everything in the marriage right". It takes two to live in harmony and even that can be difficult when there are no extenuating issues. i disagree with the poster that blamed you. Abuse in ANY form is NEVER acceptable. we are all equal. We all deserve to be treated with respect no matter what. Nobody has the right to tell you what you can or cannot do. you are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. Compromise is needed naturally but it has to come from all parties. Your first responsibility is to yourself, then your children. He is a grown man and responsible for his actions. He will not (trust me on this) recognize his faults and what needs to be done until he suffers a loss caused by them. you can be in therapy for years but if he doesnt "wake up" he is going to find himself probably losing the best thing that ever happened to him. his family!!!!!. Take it a step at a time. handle each situation that arises with strength and confidence. make some changes in yourself on what tyope of behavior you will accept and what you wont. it is a partnership. if he is not used to this new you, too bad. i believe strongly that things happen for a reason. whether you decide to eventually leave him or not. divorce is not always the answer, but sometimes a small change can be a real eye opener for everyone. Remember, it takes TWO to make a marriage successful. i hope this was helpful
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:37am

Harleypo -

Thanks for your encouraging words. Most people say "once an abuser, always an abuser" which mayb be true most of the time. I do realize that I enable this behavior and I will have to change. I also know that 'they' do not recommend couples counseling for abusive couples. I'm just not sure what to do. I have only gone to one meeting so far. I'll give this some time. We had a bad weekend because I was sick (larangitis) all weekend and DH was either out or busy doing projects that should have been done a long time ago. Then he told me a couple of times that I was faking it and he has no sympathy for colds. He was doing all those projects for me eventhough I told him I wanted him to help out with the kids. We even went to a friends for our community Halloween parade and the other 2 dad willing went to the parade but my DH stayed back to watch the football game. I think he went home to TIVO it and then eventually came to the parade and left right after it was done so that he could watch the game. That is just poor parenting if you ask me.

So can I ask you logistically how do you move out? Do you have kids? Did you discuss moving out? What did you do about all the bills? I could afford to move out if I didn't pay anything for the current house. DH couldn't afford the house on his own. DH would insist on taking the kids. His mom watches them for free during the day while I work and we couldn't afford day care especially if we had to pay for 2 residences. Of course, DH would probably move back home with "Mommy" and not have to pay anything. What does one do?

Erika

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