new girl friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2006
new girl friend
3
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 3:40pm
what do I do about this... my bf of 6 years, went out of the country for work, and met a girl (not doing work stuff). At first, I asked if he met anyone he liked/was attracted to-and he admited to it, but i thought ok, he would never see/talk to her again so what and I totally trust him. now I found out he talks to her on the phone twice a week-she lives in a different state. i got super mad-now we might break up....he claims its ok to "meet new people" "make new friends"-i claim that doesn't include non-colleagues and women that he's obviously attracted to. Also, he was already planning on moving to the city she lives in next spring (well, we had always talked about moving there together)-the other thing that strikes me is that he HATES talking on the phone, won't even call me when he's out of town, never answers the phone when his family/friends call-they always have to go through me to get ahold of him. obviously all the signs are bad here-before he went on this trip we were seriously talking about marriage-finally... now he's not sure. I have no problem giving him time, as this is a big step, but I also don't want him to use this time to start another relationship behind my back. he tells me to relax, that I overanalyze things-but this is exactly how our relationship started in the first place-which I can't ignore his history of suddenly getting close with a new girl when a relationship is winding down. Basically, my question is.... after 6 years of leading me on should i continue to wait and pretend everything is fine or do i give up because its VERY difficult wondering what he's doing talking to this girl after I told him its inappropriate and hurtful. on a good note-I think he's talking to her to work out his feelings for me and commitment, and our relationship seems to be getting more positive-could she actually be a good influence??? but then my negativity takes over and I worry that he's just avoiding his problems with me but distracting himself with her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: smile81
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 8:33pm
What exactly makes you think he is using his communication with her as a means to figure out the two of you? I obviously don't know the details of your situation but from what you have described, it sounds to me like he is carrying on with another woman...plain and simple.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: smile81
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 2:21am
Smile81, I'm very confused and think there must be a lot that I don't understand about your situation. You said that talking to this girl who he was admittedly attracted to was bad. You suggested his avoiding phone calls was an indication things were bad, you said he was no longer sure that he wanted to get married, you said he has a history of starting up with a new girlfriend before he'd broken up with his current girlfriend, you said, "...after 6 years of leading me on should i continue to wait and pretend everything is fine or do i give up because its VERY difficult wondering what he's doing talking to this girl after I told him its inappropriate and hurtful." and then you say your relationship is better? If it's better, what is your concern and where's the bad? If this is about you having an issue with him having a friend of the opposite sex, then it looks like the two of you have some definite differences in what you each feel is right. You'll know if he's avoiding problems with you by whether he confronts and works on the problems with you or avoids them. You've told him you don't feel communicating with this woman is appropriate and he continues to see her. Your choice is to accept what he chooses to do and stay or decide that you cannot accept being with a guy who does not share your belief on friends of the opposite sex and leave.


Mostly, I don't understand how you can paint this negative picture and state that he's led you on for six years, then say your relationship is better. Off the top, I'd say if you've been lead on for six years, you should have left about 5 years and six months ago. Why would you continue to stay with someone who's leading you on? I'm very confused about what's going on here.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: smile81
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:23am

you write: "he claims its ok to "meet new people" "make new friends"-i claim that doesn't include non-colleagues and women that he's obviously attracted to."


there's one thing you need to know: you can't control anyone but yourself...