Thanks so much, sad but for the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Thanks so much, sad but for the best
8
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 2:29pm

Hi, I posted a message a week or so ago about my then (now newly ex-)boyfriend's being unable to meet my needs and received a lot of good sense and support from this board.

I'm surprised at how I feel. I'm not angry with him, because he didn't do anything bad. It just wasn't a fit for me.

It's sad that it didn't work out. However the reasons why are very clear. I know that if I went back into the relationship, which might be temporarily gratifying, nothing would be any different in the long or even the short run. I remind myself of this.

The relationship lasted almost 9 months and it was so difficult for me...and so easy for him. I made big efforts which I felt were not matched. And I made those big efforts because it's how I wanted things to be. I carried the relationship. All he had to do was show up.

I feel especially sad because he thought I was "the one" and it touches me that someone could feel this way about me.

I guess there is a healing period that I still need to go through, because I couldn't imagine putting myself through this again. I'm feeling really cautious and not that interested in dating anyone. I know that this will pass.

Anyway, I just wanted to sound off for maybe a last time and say thanks. I'll be lurking for sure, and if I have problems in my next relationship I'll come here first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:46pm
For those who aren't familiar, Straightshooter2006's previous post can be found here:


He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:27pm
Straightshooter, I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know it's hard. I've had relationships that I knew early on weren't going to last forever because they just weren't right enough, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when they end, you mourn for a time.


You're right, there is a healing period you have to go through, and you'll get through it. You shouldn't be interested in dating right now, so it's a good thing that you don't. But, it'll come back.


It's good that you realize you were doing all the work and he only had to "show up". That's allowed you to realize that a relationship needs work from both partners to be successful, one can't do all the work and call it a "relationship"! Now you know not to work so hard, to expect your partner to do his share. That's good! The realizations you've made in this relationship will help you in future ones. I think no relationship is failed if you've learned something from it, and you definitely have. I think every "failed" relationship gives you more criteria of what's right and what's not acceptable in a relationship for you; and by sharpening up what's right for you, your next relationship is better, closer to ideal for you. You're stepping up to better, more ideal.


I do understand feeling touched that he felt you were "the one". Something that you may not have thought about though, is in saying he thought you were "the one", he was saying he's perfectly happy being in a relationship where all he has to do is show up. That's functioning at a pretty low level; and since he knew you weren't happy, that also says he considered a relationship right for him knowing his partner was unsatisfied. I expect you'd like your partner not only to participate fully, but to want and need his partner to be satisfied. I know I'd have a pretty hard time feeling good about a relationship where it was clear my partner was dissatisfied. You'll be "the one" again, and you'll be "the one" for someone who you truly feel is "the one" for you too.

I suggest reading the book, "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis . It's a great book that makes lots of sense, you'll learn a lot about yourself, what constitutes the right relationship for you, and dealing with those who aren't "the one". I can't say enough about this book, I think it'll be really valuable for you, I know it made a big difference for me.

Huge hugs, Straightshooter. I'm sorry you're hurting, but you made the right decision, and in doing so you've opened yourself up for a relationship that does give you what you want and need -- and you should never settle for less than that.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:20am

Right ON! Good for you!! You're probably super hot and too good to have a lazy boyfriend.

Wow. So many people stay in lukewarm realtionships. How refreshing is this!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:22am
WAiT! On second thought- what if he didn't take you out because he was saving for a ring?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:42pm

LOL!!! No, no, he wasn't saving for anything, not even our Thanksgiving train ride to his parents' house. It was a little premature for a ring in my opinion.

We really weren't right for each other, and unless he goes through some very major life changes, it's probably going to stay that way.

I guess I'm too much of a boat rocker to stay lukewarm!!

However I am so glad he and I had this experience together, I think we both learned a lot about ourselves and how we approach relationships, and I'd like to think that he understands as well as I do why we weren't a fit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:53pm

Oh, yes. I have absolutely learned so much. And this as my first "long" relationship has taught me so much about how to have a relationship, what the stages should be, and what to expect from each stage.

I think he's very used to just having to be there in body and it's considered enough. He has a way of finding himself in very convenient situations while doing minimal "work" that consists of being sweet and somewhat agreeable.

I'm not here to criticize him, he is surviving in the way he knows how. I tried to push him and bring him "up" to my speed and he tried to pull me and slow me down to his way of doing things. Well put: he does function at a very low level, and is involved in a real struggle now to change that, but it is exhausting him.

Anyway, yes, I see the big picture and thank goodness we didn't put another 9 months into the relationship. We became exclusive too quickly anyway. It probably would have died out a LOT earlier if he hadn't pushed for the "boyfriend/girlfriend" designation after only a couple weeks of dating. I knew it was too soon but...felt...SO FLATTERED! that I didn't make him earn it.

So if anyone new is reading this thread, the big lesson here, even if you're in a relationship, is this: make sure he is earning his goodies.

I'll be fine. He'll be fine. We're both just a bit bummed out for the time being but that's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:53am

hi straightshooter

sorry for not replying to your earlier thread. i got caught up in assignments and couldnt browse for a few days.

you asked me what i did... well ... i didnt actually ever start therapy. i read alot.. talked with friends who have gone through it.. and my husband was very supportive and understanding of my situation. you can start to identify attitudes that bring you down, and cause insecurities, and revert them. basically what i have been doing is focussing more on the positives and going easier on people and most importantly MYSELF. it's a long story and i can't go into it now.. but there's a ton of resources on the net if you want to learn about what therapists actually do in behavioural therapy.. etc.
i can say that after roughly 6 months i am emotionally healthier than i've ever been. i feel like a different person from what i was earlier this year.

of course my husband changed some of his behavioral patterns as well. he used to be much more casual about housework, which irked me.. he's an equal partner now.. he's also learned to be more relaxed when dealing with me. if he sees i'm getting irritated somehow he's better at dissipating the tension instead of taking it seriously and working it up to a fight like he used to... basically we have both done together what couples do with a counsellor.

dont ask me how it happened.. :) it did.. we are both fairly introspective and intelligent people and deeply committed to each other. so i think we were able to ward off the troubles successfully at least this time. now we are in a place where we can safely say that things are good and we wont need counselling anytime soon.

let us know how it goes and whether you'r able to make progress with your counsellor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 12:01pm

Oh, it's ok. Good that your work is busy.
Thanks for your reply. I'm glad that you and your husband have found ways to explore your own weak areas and strengthen them. Willingness to learn and change are a few of the most admirable traits anyone can have, I think.

As far as counselling, well, I've been in therapy on my own for a few years. I tried three different therapists until I found a fit and my current one was recommended by a close friend whose opinions I value and whose ethics I identify with.

Regarding the BF situation: I broke it off with the boyfriend after all; there were fundamental problems I recognized that I've been aware of since the first couple of weeks. He's just not right for me and I knew it but tried it anyway. It would take more than counselling to make he and I a good match. We'll make fine friends though.

I've come pretty far in therapy. Two years ago I wouldn't even have gotten past just a few months in a relationship. And here I was, going on a year. It was a good experience, even if he didn't turn out to be "the one."




Edited 10/30/2006 1:04 pm ET by straightshooter2006