thanks but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
thanks but...
9
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:19pm

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the advice... It all made sense but I still cant get over it. I know he doesn't have them out on frames but it still bothers me. I mean come on. I caught him again showing his guy friends pics of his ex (this would be the 4th time)how is this supposed to make me feel... no he's not digging in the box looking for them but he is looking for her online to show her to them. Don't think he's doing it in front of me either I was upstairs at the time. I came downstairs and they got off the laptop... real quick. Now you guys tell me what the heck that's supposed to do to my self esteem??? I'm horrible for asking him to get rid of them I know it but what am I supposed to do???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 1:30pm
Mamiflaquita's previous post can be found here:


HE WONT THROW AWAY PICTURES OF EX'S!!!

Completely edited the response I posted here earlier.


This is a very different picture than the one you painted yesterday, Mamiflaquita. The problem is not the pictures. Get rid of them and you'll still have a husband who holds the same mindset and the same insensitivity. Rather than talking to your husband about the pictures, have you spoken to him specifically about his behavior? Have you asked him if it would be acceptable to him if you were pulling out pictures of hot ex-boyfriends to show off to your friends? Have you asked him to stop the behavior rather than to get rid of the pictures? If so, what has he said?

How does he behave and treat you in other areas? Does he leer and comment on other women when you're out? Does he treat you with respect and let you know that you're attractive to him (verbally or in actions)?

What are you thinking he and his friend were looking at on the computer? I assume porn, but I don't know for sure. Is this (porn or whatever it is) another recurring issue? Have you spoken to him about this as well? How old is your husband?





~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 10/29/2006 3:08 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 2:05pm

Yes, more information please; because it's possible that he's simply being a child and rebelling against you by going to the internet instead of the box because you've declared his past "off limits."

I read somewhere that a SURE way to make most men find another woman more attractive than you is by acting like YOU think she is more attractive, whether or not she is. I think men are VERY suggestible when it comes to stuff like this, meaning that whatever image of yourself you reinforce to him, he will believe. So it's possible that the jealousy your husband detects is fuelling his actions (and although this is definitely unpleasant behavior on his part, it at least might be explained this way and corrected).

On the other hand, if this is a small piece in a larger puzzle, then this is a whole new issue here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:19pm
I did speak to him about it. I asked him to stop showing the pics on the internet to his friends... and he is showing off because he says "I went out with her. can you believe it...I know" the first time, that I know of, he told me that he was watching the football game and he saw the cheerleaders so he told his roommates that he dated one of them... they didn't believe him so he of course had to prove it. He told me right after it happened, he was in Chicago at a NAVY base while I was back in houston, so I wasn't that upset. It didn't bother me because I thought ok well it's just so they believe him but then he kept telling people... ANYONE THAT WE MET HE TOLD. ANYONE!!! he even called her so that she'd say it's true. I did ask him if he'd like me doing what he's doing and he didn't say anything. but he stopped right after I asked him so I let it go... but then the pics came up and it just made me feel as if he still needed them incase he had to prove it to someone. He does look at other women but what guy doesn't and that doesn't bother me much I'll say oh wow she's pretty. His ex is a beautiful woman and I've never once said anything negative about her like he's said about my old boyfriends. He does tell me that I'm beautiful and stuff. His friends were over late at night they stayed up until 3am. I don't think they were looking at porn the history said (he left the tab open) all they did was go to the website and check her pictures and videos at. It's just a football website. I had an issue with him watching porn but he stopped that. He use to watch porn almost everyday. Even right after we had sex. so I asked him to stop watching it while we're living together... if he's stationed somewhere far and he wants to watch porn then that's fine just as long as he doesn't go and sleep with anyone else. but while we were living together there was no reason for him to watch it. if he wanted to do it then we can. I'm young too and we still consider ourselves newlyweds so well you know... but back to the subject, At the very begining when we started dating he still had her in his wallet I didn't say anything because we weren't serious but ALL BY HIMSELF he took me outside showed me his wallet told me that he took her pic out of it. He said that he was done with that part of his life and all he wanted was me. I thought it was sweet and weird (we were only dating for like 2 wks). but yea... I guess that statement just made me realize how stupid I've been acting but if he was done with that part of his life doesn't that mean he wouldn't be bringing it up all the time... ugh married life is hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:26pm
well he went to the internet many times before I even brought up the pictures. I don't that I'm unattractive I'm not self centered either but I do call myself pretty. that's how I keep my self esteem up and keep on living without going crazy. I'm comfortable saying that another woman is attractive in front of him just like I would say if some guy was cute... saying a guy is cute makes him a little upset but when I say a girl is pretty he just agrees so I don't know. I know one time that I didn't feel like going to church with him (I'm sorry but it had only been 2 wks since I had my son) when he came home with his sis he asked her sarcastically "hey, sis, didn't Larisa look good" she just said "i dunno I guess" so I know he was saying that just because I didn't go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 3:29pm
oh by the way I'm 18 going on 19 and he's 19 going on 20.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 4:06pm

Well that is definitely very annoying.

I have to wonder, maybe if he felt like he's got some other accomplishments to be proud of outside of the dating realm, if he'd talk about something else with his buddies? It seems like he feels that this part of his history increases his worth among his friends and that to me just sounds like very deep insecurity.

This is such a tough one. I'm going to wait for someone with more experience to weigh in on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 9:28pm
Well you've pretty much proven that the pictures aren't your problem and getting rid of them won't do any good at all. He doesn't need his box of pictures to spread his story, he uses the internet, phones her, whatever. The pictures are not your problem, your problem is your husband. You're married to a very immature guy; and at the age of 19, he's supposed to be immature, and he'll continue to be immature for at least five more years and as many as ten. What you can hope is that he won't always be like this, but you have no way of knowing for sure, he's absolutely going to change a lot in the next ten years (so will you), whether this part of him is an immature ideal that will change or whether it's a permanent part of his personality there's no way to know.


I would suggest that asking him a question about how he'd feel if you acted that way and accepting no response was falling short of discussing the issue. You allowed it to be dropped, he didn't have to think about it, he was able to avoid the whole thing. I'd suggest bringing it up for discussion again and this time having a complete discussion -- his input is needed too. I can't tell you he'll stop though, he's a kid, a teenager, he's still in a self-centered world. That's not a slam, it's just where we are at that age, it's perfectly normal and expected.


There are a couple of other iVillage boards that might be helpful to you:


20ish Parents

Teen Moms

Relationships in Our 20s







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 12:22pm

(whoopsy, I just hit "reply" but this is meant for mamiflaquita)
Yes, it just sounds like he's still young and very immature, and acting too proud of something very silly, that is hurting your feelings.

What 2nd life says is true. I'm in my 30s, and 19 years old is a blurry, time, I remember myself as pretty much still a child. At 19 I'd probably have boasted about stupid things that would make people close to me angry. Some people learn tact and values a bit later.

He will for sure change a lot in the next 10 years. Emotionally, mentally, all of it.

I just hope that for the sake of your marriage, he can put himself in your shoes and cut out this self-indulgent, self-centered, insecure, hurtful, but mostly: IMMATURE behavior.




Edited 10/30/2006 3:17 pm ET by straightshooter2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:41pm
Lol, Straightshooter; no big deal, it happens all the time. Usually it's pretty evident who the response was directed towards, and if there's any question, the person who it says it's to will ask if it was meant for them.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"