thanks but...
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thanks but...
| Sun, 10-29-2006 - 12:19pm |
Hey everyone,
Thanks for all the advice... It all made sense but I still cant get over it. I know he doesn't have them out on frames but it still bothers me. I mean come on. I caught him again showing his guy friends pics of his ex (this would be the 4th time)how is this supposed to make me feel... no he's not digging in the box looking for them but he is looking for her online to show her to them. Don't think he's doing it in front of me either I was upstairs at the time. I came downstairs and they got off the laptop... real quick. Now you guys tell me what the heck that's supposed to do to my self esteem??? I'm horrible for asking him to get rid of them I know it but what am I supposed to do???

HE WONT THROW AWAY PICTURES OF EX'S!!!
This is a very different picture than the one you painted yesterday, Mamiflaquita. The problem is not the pictures. Get rid of them and you'll still have a husband who holds the same mindset and the same insensitivity. Rather than talking to your husband about the pictures, have you spoken to him specifically about his behavior? Have you asked him if it would be acceptable to him if you were pulling out pictures of hot ex-boyfriends to show off to your friends? Have you asked him to stop the behavior rather than to get rid of the pictures? If so, what has he said?
How does he behave and treat you in other areas? Does he leer and comment on other women when you're out? Does he treat you with respect and let you know that you're attractive to him (verbally or in actions)?
What are you thinking he and his friend were looking at on the computer? I assume porn, but I don't know for sure. Is this (porn or whatever it is) another recurring issue? Have you spoken to him about this as well? How old is your husband?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 10/29/2006 3:08 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Yes, more information please; because it's possible that he's simply being a child and rebelling against you by going to the internet instead of the box because you've declared his past "off limits."
I read somewhere that a SURE way to make most men find another woman more attractive than you is by acting like YOU think she is more attractive, whether or not she is. I think men are VERY suggestible when it comes to stuff like this, meaning that whatever image of yourself you reinforce to him, he will believe. So it's possible that the jealousy your husband detects is fuelling his actions (and although this is definitely unpleasant behavior on his part, it at least might be explained this way and corrected).
On the other hand, if this is a small piece in a larger puzzle, then this is a whole new issue here.
Well that is definitely very annoying.
I have to wonder, maybe if he felt like he's got some other accomplishments to be proud of outside of the dating realm, if he'd talk about something else with his buddies? It seems like he feels that this part of his history increases his worth among his friends and that to me just sounds like very deep insecurity.
This is such a tough one. I'm going to wait for someone with more experience to weigh in on this.
I would suggest that asking him a question about how he'd feel if you acted that way and accepting no response was falling short of discussing the issue. You allowed it to be dropped, he didn't have to think about it, he was able to avoid the whole thing. I'd suggest bringing it up for discussion again and this time having a complete discussion -- his input is needed too. I can't tell you he'll stop though, he's a kid, a teenager, he's still in a self-centered world. That's not a slam, it's just where we are at that age, it's perfectly normal and expected.
There are a couple of other iVillage boards that might be helpful to you:
20ish Parents
Teen Moms
Relationships in Our 20s
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
(whoopsy, I just hit "reply" but this is meant for mamiflaquita)
Yes, it just sounds like he's still young and very immature, and acting too proud of something very silly, that is hurting your feelings.
What 2nd life says is true. I'm in my 30s, and 19 years old is a blurry, time, I remember myself as pretty much still a child. At 19 I'd probably have boasted about stupid things that would make people close to me angry. Some people learn tact and values a bit later.
He will for sure change a lot in the next 10 years. Emotionally, mentally, all of it.
I just hope that for the sake of your marriage, he can put himself in your shoes and cut out this self-indulgent, self-centered, insecure, hurtful, but mostly: IMMATURE behavior.
Edited 10/30/2006 3:17 pm ET by straightshooter2006
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"