No sex, is this unfair?
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| Sun, 10-29-2006 - 9:24pm |
My DH and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 children; 3 years, 22 months, and 9 weeks old. Yes, we have been very busy the last 5 years. But for the last six months I have been very frustrated with my DH's lack of concern for me and our marriage, and laziness around the house. I am so fed up. It is like a vicious cycle. I get upset and hurt by something he does, and we have a talk or we just plain make up. Then, he is good for a couple days, then he goes back to the same old crap. I have been off since having my son. I go back next Thurs. He has been making comments like, "Well, I guess I'm the only responsible person in this house." Just because I'm not working right now. I have worked full time with all my pregnancies, and gone back to work by the time the babies were 12 weeks old. I just think that is unfair.
I just don't feel like I can be intimate with my DH anymore. I really don't want to do it. I need my space right now. The problem is he has a high sex drive. If he goes more than 5 days he is losing his mind. But everytime we hit a rough patch, and then we have sex he thinks everything is fine. I hate that. I don't want to use sex as a weapon and that is not my intention, but I don't want to do it and then he just thinks that everything is fine. I just don't know what to do?







I can understand not wanting to be intimate with him, it's hard to want to have sex with someone when you don't feel respected by them, and it sure doesn't sound like you have much reason to feel he respects you.
I don't know this for sure, but I get the idea that the issues you have don't get resolved; you talk about them, but don't reach agreements or compromises so the issues keep coming back again and again. For one thing, it sounds like your husband doesn't see that your both working towards a common goal -- your family. Apparently, he feels that if you're not working you're not contributing, that caring for your child, for the house, etc. is not a contribution. I think until you resolve the issues you're going to feel unappreciated and that he feels you are less of a person than he is, you're going to feel less of a partner and an equal, and you're going to have little desire for sex. Obviously, your relationship isn't going to be getting stronger or healthier either.
I know you said you've talked about things, but what have you talked about? What is his explanation/response to his statements that suggest you aren't "pulling your weight" in the marriage? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor with him?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I absolutely agree that more time with his children is very important, but I don't see that as your biggest issue, at least not from what you've said so far. I'm glad you've found a marriage counselor, it's the best thing you could have done.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
The fact that your sex life is suffering isn't an issue of it's own, it's a byproduct of your relationship problems. You can't resolve the sex problem without resolving the relationship problem, but if you resolve the relationship problem, the sex problem will go away on its own.
Some good information on constructive arguing:
Ten Rules For Fair FightingVerbal Fencing With Someone You Love
Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Wading in to try to help by giving you the man's perspective.