No sex, is this unfair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
No sex, is this unfair?
10
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 9:24pm

My DH and I have been married 5 years. We have 3 children; 3 years, 22 months, and 9 weeks old. Yes, we have been very busy the last 5 years. But for the last six months I have been very frustrated with my DH's lack of concern for me and our marriage, and laziness around the house. I am so fed up. It is like a vicious cycle. I get upset and hurt by something he does, and we have a talk or we just plain make up. Then, he is good for a couple days, then he goes back to the same old crap. I have been off since having my son. I go back next Thurs. He has been making comments like, "Well, I guess I'm the only responsible person in this house." Just because I'm not working right now. I have worked full time with all my pregnancies, and gone back to work by the time the babies were 12 weeks old. I just think that is unfair.

I just don't feel like I can be intimate with my DH anymore. I really don't want to do it. I need my space right now. The problem is he has a high sex drive. If he goes more than 5 days he is losing his mind. But everytime we hit a rough patch, and then we have sex he thinks everything is fine. I hate that. I don't want to use sex as a weapon and that is not my intention, but I don't want to do it and then he just thinks that everything is fine. I just don't know what to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 10:27pm
Welcome to the board, Bjuana ~


I can understand not wanting to be intimate with him, it's hard to want to have sex with someone when you don't feel respected by them, and it sure doesn't sound like you have much reason to feel he respects you.


I don't know this for sure, but I get the idea that the issues you have don't get resolved; you talk about them, but don't reach agreements or compromises so the issues keep coming back again and again. For one thing, it sounds like your husband doesn't see that your both working towards a common goal -- your family. Apparently, he feels that if you're not working you're not contributing, that caring for your child, for the house, etc. is not a contribution. I think until you resolve the issues you're going to feel unappreciated and that he feels you are less of a person than he is, you're going to feel less of a partner and an equal, and you're going to have little desire for sex. Obviously, your relationship isn't going to be getting stronger or healthier either.


I know you said you've talked about things, but what have you talked about? What is his explanation/response to his statements that suggest you aren't "pulling your weight" in the marriage? Have you considered seeing a couples counselor with him?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 11:25pm
Well, I explained to him that we need to do more things as a family, and that he needed to spend more one on one time with the kids. He says I should be more concerned about the finances by going back to work sooner. I have found a marriage counselor for us to see, but he doesn't think it's that serious.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 8:39pm
It sounds like your priorities are very different from each others. It also sounds like the decision for you to stay home with your last child (for however long that was) wasn't a mutual decision. Is it possible that rather than not respecting you and/or not seeing you as an equal, it's resentment that he's showing?


I absolutely agree that more time with his children is very important, but I don't see that as your biggest issue, at least not from what you've said so far. I'm glad you've found a marriage counselor, it's the best thing you could have done.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 9:40pm
Well, we both agreed that I would stay home at least 8 weeks. So 3 weeks ago he started asking me when I was going back. I am still going back a week earlier than I'm supposed to. I am sure it's resentment. I just don't know what to do about the intimacy part?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 10:56pm
I guess I misunderstood what you were looking for help with? Was your question what to do about the sex and not what to do about your relationship?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:38pm
I did want help about the relationship, but I also need to know what to do about sex. This is a big issue because he has such a high drive. And the fact is our problems won't be solved in a little time frame. I just feel like I can't be intimate with him right now. Is it wrong for me to not have sex until things start improving? Because honestly he thinks everything is fine when we have sex.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:22am
You should never have sex unless it's something you want to do. If I understand correctly, you're feeling that saying "no" to sex is using it as a weapon to either punish him or get what you want. Again, you should never have sex unless it's something you want to do. When makes you feel disrespected, disregarded and less than equal, feeling all warm and sexual with them is about the last thing you feel. For me, under those circumstances, having sex feels like one more violation. The fact that your husband can't survive for more than five days without sex isn't your problem, it's his. And the reality is, he can survive. If he understands that in order to have a good, active sexual life he has to have a healthy, happy relationship, then I'd think he'd be a bit more motivated to work on the relationship, as the benefit will be the sexual life he wants. I suppose that sounds like a threat or a bribe, but it's fact. If he's not helping, acts like the kids are all yours 24/7, considers you less than equal because you're home taking care of his child, AND expects sex whenever he wants it, he sounds pretty self centered to me. Relationships take two, working together towards a common good, it takes partnership, communication, understanding and some compromise. If he expects things to be the way he expects them to be, you're not in a relationship, you're in a lordship. If having sex makes him think the problems are resolved, and you're telling him they aren't, then he's not listening to you, he doesn't respect your feelings, and he isn't concerning himself about the state of his marriage. I don't know about you, but that would be a very serious concern for me.


The fact that your sex life is suffering isn't an issue of it's own, it's a byproduct of your relationship problems. You can't resolve the sex problem without resolving the relationship problem, but if you resolve the relationship problem, the sex problem will go away on its own.


Some good information on constructive arguing:

Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:58am
Wow, thanks! I couldn't agree more!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 12:50pm

Wading in to try to help by giving you the man's perspective.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:55pm
Wow I really appreciate your reply. That book sounds fantastic! It is nice to get a male point of view. Thanks!
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