Breaking Up and Bad Conflict Resolution
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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:37pm |
At least for the moment, yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I need feedback about this. I also need to share this. I'm so lonely already I could scream. I am in my mid-forties and he is mid-fifties.
We went out for 1.5 years, and it has been rocky. The most difficult thing has been dealing with conflict.
On Thursday, my youngest child was the issue. She and her sister share a room but she is very fearful. Really she does have a problem, at 8, sleeping alone or without TV. I have been trying to address a lot of problems with her behavior, but this one has not been actively worked on. My boyfriend saw trouble coming since on this night she would not have her sister overnight (her sister was away for a few nights). On a previous night like this, she and I had slept in the living room, each on a couch, to ease her fears. He told me early in the day that he would not stay the night. He did not want to have to witness her getting scared and knocking on our door for attention, and he hated the way I tried to reassure her. I tried to tell him I would talk with her and try to address it in a more decisive way, and I hoped he would stay and help.
He got terribly angry and full of himself, accusing me of not dealing well with the issue (partly true), telling me that he was going to make me take care of it once and for all, and that no child would ever do this to him. He went on and on, over and over, about he had given me the chance to take care of it in the past but I wouldn't do it, and how it was affecting his life (he has only experienced her knocking on two occasions) and he wouldn't stand for it. He went on and on. I asked him to stop and assured him I would try, and the tears were running down my cheeks. And he continued to say that he had to teach me this because I couldn't learn it on my own. I told him please not to beat a person who was already beat up. I almost asked him to leave but stopped short. That night he left as he planned.
I did work on the sleeping issue, and she slept alone with no fight. When I told him Friday morning matter-of-factly, not defiantly, he didn't say, "Hey, that's great, I'm happy for you," or anything like that. He said, "You never would have done anything if I had not made you do it."
On Friday, I was late going down to see him. It was going to be 8:30-8:45p when I got there. When I told him this, he told me, "We need to be adult about this and not see each other so late." When I told him I wanted to come be with him even if we just slept most of it, he got angry. I had to get off the phone and he told me to call him. Please understand that I have driven down late many times and just spent the night.
I admit that I didn't call him back. I was home for 30 minutes when he called me and asked where I was. I just leveled with him. I had not called because I felt a little hurt and just needed a few minutes to myself. He was pissed as heck, saying I was punishing him for not wanting me to come down (partially true I admit), that this was an example of why my former relationships must have failed. (I have no idea where that came from.) He said, "Didn't you think of asking me if I wanted you to come down?" (This was a shock because I always come down and have been told it was "my place too!") He said I didn't care if he did not get a good night's sleep. (He didn't have to be at work until 9 a.m. and it is a 5min drive. It has not been an issue in the past.) He finally calmed down and stayed up until 11:00 p.m. talking to me. I didn't remind him that I could have been drinking a glass of wine and spending time right next to him. I kept the peace.
On Saturday, I entertained his daughter, who had come into town for the weekend, him, and some others of his and my family. He came up after work and left after dinner. I really pulled all of the stops for this evening, and it was a hit. He congratulated me for pulling it off so well without him.
Yesterday, his foot hurt and he needed to go to work at 9:00 this morning for a short meeting (it is one hour from here). He didn't feel like driving up and seeing me.
The long and the short of it is that I feel I am at the mercy of his whimsy to see me and his intense anger episodes. Am I wrong in feeling this way? On Friday, all I did to deserve a one-hour fit was to not call him for 30 minutes after I arrived home.
Please give me feedback.
I did break up with him last night, just saying two lines on Yahoo Instant Messenger. I know that is cruel, but he did not call me or argue. I'm pretty sure he's as sick of constant drama as I am. He called this morning to find out whether he should cancel an engagement that we had this week or whether I wanted to do it. We were very calm and businesslike.
Am I being unreasonable here?
I am pretty upset tonight and not feeling strong. I really put all that I had into this relationship, and I feel hurt, angry, and disappointed.
--recreating myself

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You might read through your old post too, even though it hasn't been that long. Many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:
Am I Being Too Hard on Him?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Assuming this behavior isn't unusual, he sounds very controlling, very much dominating, and very much on a higher level than you. What you've described shows no patience or understanding, it shows no respect for differing styles and differing needs and opinions. Demanding that you deal with your child as he dictates is way out of bounds. He can disagree and disapprove of how you're handling it and choose to leave, but to *demand* that you deal with it, and later to see what he did was *making* you deal with it is treating you as a child, while he is the teacher, the parent figure. In the incidents you describe there is a lot of drama, and it is caused by him. As a psychologist said at a lecture I attended a month ago, "power creates drama", and his power plays are at the bottom of the drama that you're swimming in.
I have to say, Recreatingmyself, if this is somewhat or quite typical behavior and is in addition to what you described in your previous post, it sounds like he does not see you on the same level as he does. It sounds like he sees you as much less than equal to himself. It sounds like you put a lot into this relationship, but he didn't put much in himself, he enjoyed what you brought, rather than offering back to you.
You deserve much better than that. I know it hurts, but without him you'll be able to find someone who treats you as an equal, who cherishes the relationship he has with you and gives as much as he takes. That's what you deserve, and I don't think you'll ever have any of them staying with him.
Read "Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to put all of this together and figure out what happened and how to get past it.
My boyfriend's superior behavior has been occurring at a higher rate. Usually, he acts like this once every two weeks or so. It usually occurs when I bring up an issue I am having, such as wondering why two weeks in a row I haven't seen him on his day off or the night beforehand. (I tell him I feel funny and not terribly important to him when that happens.) The argument about how my kids should be handled is a continuing one. On this topic, he always gets very self righteous, comparing himself at my expense.
He also can be very giving, and spends loads of time working around my house, doing things he knows will be pleasing to me. One good thing about him is that he loves to please me, and it is motivating to him when I praise his good work. (There is no problem there.) We also have had a great sex life.
I think I am finally seeing that he is not here for me, emotionally.
On Friday, one of his assertions was that I needed to learn how to act so that I would not make him mad. Something is very wrong with this idea. It sounds like an abusive statement.
Sorry if this note is disjointed. I admit that I am reeling with emotion. :(
Peace,
--recreating
Why would you settle for something like this? The man is blaming you constantly, not supporting you and acting all cocky and self-righteous. I think that you should stay broken up and not give him another chance.
There are plenty of decent, nice, loving, respectful men out there who would know how to deal with your children and be supportive of you.
**I needed to learn how to act so that I would not make him mad
The reason it sounds like an abusive statement is because it IS.
"He did not want to have to witness her getting scared and knocking on our door for attention, and he hated the way I tried to reassure her."
"I asked him to stop and assured him I would try, and the tears were running down my cheeks. And he continued to say that he had to teach me this because I couldn't learn it on my own."
"When I told him I wanted to come be with him even if we just slept most of it, he got angry."
"He was pissed as heck, saying I was punishing him for not wanting me to come down (partially true I admit), that this was an example of why my former relationships must have failed."
Ugh, I am SO sorry you had to deal with all of that. Good riddance to a contemptuous, selfish, self-righteous, potentially ABUSIVE man. Don't even entertain the idea of rescheduling your cancelled date with him, even if he tries to apologize or pursue you again. You did completely the right thing for yourself by breaking up with him. You saw his true colors before it was too late.
Shudder!!! So glad you're out of that one and that it didn't go any farther.
By the way, I don't think that breaking up with him via instant messenger can be construed as "cruel" considering the emotional cruelty he has shown you. Any way you could do it, it had to be done.
How are you today? I hope you feel better, I hope you feel free of this drama. Please update.
Edit: one more question. Why are you lonely? Sounds like you have a full life; a career, and lovely children who need and deserve your attention. So, why lonely? Is it just the break-up and the hurt feelings getting to you? Please reply, because it seems to me that maybe you gave more importance to this man than he deserved at that stage of your relationship. Of course there is a lot I don't know so I could be totally off base here.
Edited 10/31/2006 10:38 am ET by straightshooter2006
Hello Straightshooter2006,
Thank you for your message. My boyfriend and I communicated all of the time about the smallest of items. We really shared a lot. Sometimes he became nasty, but the majority of the time, he was well behaved. He is very affectionate and always had an arm around me or his hand running up and down on my arm, or was texting or calling me. However, lately he has not been supporting me like he should emotionally and he seems completely controlling and disparaging during the fights, as I described on Thurs. and Friday.
When it came to resolving conflict, it just didn't happen.
I was recently laid off from my job since the company was not financially healthy, and I only had that job for 4 months, so I feel I am starting all over again. I was home with my kids for years before this job.
I am very lonely because I don't have that many friends, I shared with him at least ten times a day, and I miss the people I used to communicate with at my job. I must pick up the pieces here but it is not easy. I am not feeling strong and I have a busy day ahead. I need to look for a job and do other tasks. I hope I can stop crying and get something done.
I keep wanting to talk to my boyfriend, and our conversations run through my mind. I think I need a chill pill. :)
Thanks again for all of the encouragement and validation. I need it right now.
--recreating
Thank you for the supportive message. He does seem to go into a whole other way of being during these angry periods.
He was too hard on me about my kids and his directives and manipulation were out of line. That is not to say that my kids do not have behavioral problems. They do, I am sad to say, and a lot of people have trouble with their attitudes. I will continue to try to help them develop more sociable and acceptable attitudes.
He and I didn't really disagree that I should handle them better. It was just the manner in which he spoke to me about them... it has been a continued source of heartache.
Thank you for the validation.
--recreating
You are right of course. He is blaming and inconsiderate. The disrespect I feel really hurts badly. I have let a bear in and he is tearing me apart.
--recreating
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