I HAVE A HUGE PROBLEM
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| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:40am |
so yesterday my husband and I got into a fight. I don't even rememeber what it was about...o yea. It was my fault. He wanted to dance and I didn't feel like it so he got really upset and made me sit on the couch next to him. He turned off the tv and radio. There we were just sitting there in silence. Then he started asking why I never want to dance with him and why am I so lazy...all this stuff. He was pretty much just running his mouth so I stayed quite I didn't want to make him really upset... upset enough to hit me. Then he said something and I did the wrong thing and just shrugged my shoulders and rolled my eyes so he pounded my head... I'm not going to lie but it hurt. He did that three times. I tried my best to not cry and then we the conversation went on. He was still on the whole dancing thing. He says I dance with any other guy but him.
Honestly though the last time I really danced was when I was 15 for my quiceanera. Once I turned 15 I started working and never went out. I worked every weekend. I said that my jobs weren't about dancing (he use to choreograph for quinceaneras, Mexican sweet 16's) I didn't get to do what I liked when I worked. but yea... so he said I was lying but he very well knows I wasn't. The conversation ended up with me saying that he was a ungrateful son because anytime he feels as if his mom is doing something he doesn't like he has to mention that all the money he made choreographing dances he gave to her and all the money after that went to help her...blah blah blah... He uses the fact that he's helped her to make her feel guilty when she does something he doesn't approve of. I also helped my mom. that was the whole point of me starting work at 15. I saved up 1500 twice when I was 15 and 17 and both times I gave it to my mom (I was saving it for a car) with no question about it. I also gave her a money for food and I always bought my siblings whatever I could. I never throw it in my moms face.
Anyways, I said what I said and he got really REALLY MAD he stood up and grabbed my hair, dragged me by my hair to the other side of the room, and I tried my best to keep him from smaking me but he decided to choke me instead... he's done it before but this time I almost passed out... my arm went numb and I felt like everything around me was going in slow motion. All i could see was him while everything else was going black but then he started ease his grip... I guess I must of started turning blue... My eyes were so watery and I was breathing realy weird but all I could do was laugh about it. I was really laughing at myself for still being in this situation. I told him he could of killed me and what would he have done if he eased his grip a little too late... he said he wouldn't be able to live with himself that he'd go crazy. He recieved orders yesterday, we're going to Norfolk, VA. for 4 1/2 yrs. I was supposed to stay home because he was getting orders to Japan... but now it's Norfolk for a while. I can't stay with him if this is going to keep happening. I've asked him before to get counseling but he wont. He doesn't like telling people about our relationship problems. I don't know what to do. I asked him again to get counseling I even asked him just to talk to someone about whatever it is that's making him become this violent. Just to talk about it maybe that will help. I don't know what's going to happen but I was really scared that time.

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Whoa. Whoa.
I'm amazed that you were laughing at the situation. I guess your disbelief got to you.
He could have killed you. Thank god you are alive today.
Your previous post did not show the range of difficulties you've had with him.
I honestly, honestly think that you cannot, CANNOT keep yourself in this situation any more and I honestly also think that you already know this.
I don't mean to seem dramatic, but I think you should go home after this, and possibly get a restraining order against him. Can you go stay with your parents?
I am sensitive to this issue because my cousin has been abused by a jealous, manipulative man for TWENTY years. They have three children. She is FINALLY getting divorced from him. It is A MESS. Please, please, please get out before it gets any deeper.
As far as him seeking counseling, he does need to. Maybe the day will come when he can look back on all he had and lost because he could not control himself and his violent temper. But I can't possibly imagine that you can remain with him in this marriage at this point.
You're 18 years old. Please save yourself. You're obviously very smart, very capable and very tough. You can do this.
Sweetie, you are in an abusive relationship, your husband is an abusive man.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
It's apparent that you're not seeing the abuse for what it is.
I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the CL for the Military wives Board. Sorry for the hat, but it's late, I'm tired and this is important. First of all, the military takes abuse very seriously. However, they can't help you if you don't ask for it. they can remove your spouse to the barracks and allow you time to relocate. They offer financial support and counseling. You really need to tell someone though. They are not mind readers. Here are a couple of links I hope help.
http://usmilitary.about.com/od/divdomviolence/l/aadomviol1.htm
http://www.womenslaw.org/military.htm
http://usmilitary.about.com/library/milinfo/milarticles/bldomesticviolence.htm
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DoDDirective1030VictiWitnessAssist1.pdf
http://www.militaryhomefront.dod.mil/portal/page/itc/MHF/MHF_HOME_1?section_id=20.60.500.270.0.0.0.0.0
There are many more resources, but I didn't want to overwhelm you. If you have any more questions, feel free to contact on of the CLs and we'll try and help you.
I really appreciate the informational links you've provided, I'm adding them to my 'collection' so I'll have more info to pass on to others in need. I know it seems like it should be so easy to report, but abuse isn't so cut and dried. Being abused means having your head filled with the "fact" that the abuse is your fault. It means having had your self esteem and self worth destroyed. Reporting something you caused doesn't make sense, and having your husband hauled off for something you caused doesn't seem right either. Then there's the aspect that if you report it and they turn him loose, when he comes back you can be sure you're going to get the beating of your life. Fear is a big reason for silence. You feel worthless, you feel wrong, you feel to blame, and you feel if you can just do or say the right things you can make it all stop; you can make him the nice, loving husband that you want him to be. Yes, I agree, every woman in an abusive situation should leave immediately, be it verbal, emotional or physical abuse. But it's not that easy and it doesn't generally happen so quickly.
I think the general statistic is that an abused woman leaves her husband seven times before she leaves for good. I'd like that stat changed to one time, and I know you would too!
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
sorry for jumping in here BUTT LEAVE GIRL before he does kill you, isent
your life wroth something to you?? dont be another woman who just takes it
call the law, i did and it scared him. an he has never touched me again.
It's also great that he's really trying. What's he doing to change besides simply not abusing you? You said he's agreed to therapy, you mean he's chosen to go to a domestic abuse counseling class for abusers, right? And he's the one who's done to research to find the treatment, right (that would show that he's serious about dealing with his problem, you finding treatment for him doesn't show anything at all)? I hope you're not talking about couples counseling because couples counseling is never helpful or correct in abusive situations, even if he's not currently abusing you, even if he says he wants to change. Couples counseling will make the abuse worse, will put you in a worse position and put you in more danger. Abusers need retraining, rethinking, reprogramming from their beliefs and that takes focused domestic violence counseling for abusers -- their victim has no place in it. The abuse isn't about you, he'd be abusing any woman he was with, working on your relationship isn't helpful, it's not about you or your relationship, it's about him. You need domestic abuse counseling too, but you need domestic abuse counseling that's focused on the victim.
The truth is, the rate of abusers who change, even with intense therapy, stands at 1%. That means there's a 99% chance that he won't change, that the abuse will continue. Please consider that.
Here is an article that will help you determine whether he's really making changes or not:
How to Tell if He's Changing (or Not) The informational post came from the Dealing With Domestic Abuse board. I strongly urge you to visit the board, read the posts (clear into the archives) and consider posting there too. It's a great place to get the kind of understanding, support, inspiration and encouragement you need. Also be sure to spend some time on the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage . It's full of useful help, information and resources, as well as informational posts where you'll learn a lot about abuse and abusers.I also highly recommend the book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft , if you can read it without him finding it and abusing you because of it.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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