my dh wants me to be with other men!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
my dh wants me to be with other men!
7
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:17pm
I've been married for 12 years, with 3 kids. Our marriage has gotten better and more relaxed in the past 5. We had a "spontaneous, one time, do something exciting" night( I had sex in front of my husband) with his bestfriend 2 years ago and now he's obsessed with me being with another man. Everytime we are with other friends of his he makes comments to me and to them about me sexually. I've told him over and over again not to do it, that he's playing with fire and messing with my emotions. I even found him on a website that looks for people in the area willing to have a threesome. I freaked out and got really upset. He is always trying to "set me up" to be with other men in front of him and I don't know what to do. He's a great husband and an amazing father and I don't think its reason to end a marriage over but its bringing me down and I can't get that across to him. Have you seen the show "What About Brian" recently, we are in kinda the same scenario, and he may "get burned" if he pushes it. Most men would get jealous if another man wanted his wife but my husband likes it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 2:54pm

Hi hesitate2,


How exactly do you tell him that this is not something you want to do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 3:44pm

I was going to ask the same questions of you.

Just something else to add. Are you being tactful? Is "hurting his feelings" something that you are concerned about when discussing this?

(I'm wondering if he's getting mixed messages from you or perhaps you're not being blunt enough)

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:24pm
I tell him I feel used and like I'm being used as a service to him. That it hurts me and makes me feel like he's not at all considering my feelings. Of course he apologizes and says he would never intentionally hurt me. That constantly he is reminded how lucky he is to have me with him. He always compliments me and offers affection. But then sometimes he starts to bring the topic up again, by asking me what kind of guy I would like to be with if I had a choice, and if I ever think about it. I say NO, and I think about being with him. I'm human so I can't lie and say that sometimes the thought doesn't flatter me(I don't tell him this), to think about another guy wanting me, but he takes the idea too far. FOr example, sometimes we go out with a friend of both of ours, a male, and he wants me to get a good "buzz" in the hopes something might happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:59pm
Have you said firmly and clearly, "No, absolutely not.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:17pm

I think that you've got to change your responses.

Next time he asks you, try replying with a question. Say to him "I've told you in the past that this discussion makes me feel X, X and X. Why do you ask this of me when you know how it makes me feel?"

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2002
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 12:01am

OMG! Swingers! I met some swingers at a party not too long ago- it's a whole LIFESTYLE, man. They live in the suburbs in nice houses, most are married for YEARS with all these grown kids and stuff. Yeah. Then they meet up at, like, swingers clubs and look for other freaky grandparents.

I'm not passing judgement- they seem to be having a great time! The old man I talked to was a dentist or something and his wife was babbling on about how they go to nudist resorts and yada yada.

Not my cup of tea, but you already screwed your husbands best friend. I guess nothing wrong with that either- maybe this is a good fit for you? If not, you never should have opened that can of worms, sister girl, because the next thing you know you'll be swapping double martinis at Club Med.




Edited 11/1/2006 9:16 am ET by velvetminxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 12:13am
I have heard others tell of couples whose relationships were destroyed by this situation. A third is introduced, one isn't interested in doing it again, while the other is obsessed with it.


I agree with Kim, I would suggest that you need to change how you're responding to him when he brings it up again. I wouldn't let him finish his suggestion, for one thing; as soon as I knew where he was going with it, I'd interrupt and firmly - angrily - tell him to stop- NOW. I wouldn't respond to his question by giving an answer, such as "I say NO, and I think about being with him.", I would simply become very angry and tell him I am fed up with ever hearing this again - period. By responding, even in telling him he's the one you want, you may be allowing his fantasy to continue, you're participating rather than stopping him. I would also tell him angrily and firmly that I am concerned that this issue is going to destroy the marriage. He's showing you a lack of respect by continuing to bring up a subject you've clearly told him you do not want to consider again.







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