Am I being selfish?
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Am I being selfish?
| Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:41pm |
My BF and I have been together 2 and 1/2 years now. I have a 13 year old son, he has a 5 year old son, and we have another son on the way in February. We are both very excited about it. His ex-wife has custody of their son of course and he sees him once sometimes twice a week. His job is always go go go. He is gone from 730am sometimes till 10-11pm at night. Needless to say I hate his hours. When he has his son for the weekend, usually the following weekend he doesn't get him unless of course he has time or his son calls because he misses him. On the weeks he doesn't have his visitation, he will drive out to his ex's house (which is about 40 minutes away)and stay there for a few hours because the drive is too much. Now...here's my problem. Sometimes she will leave while he visits. But then sometimes she stays there and just talks his ear off and doesn't let up. One time he was over there and she had to make it known that she is having sex with someone else. What is that?????? I explained to him that she only said that because she still cares and he swears that she doesn't. But stuff like that doesn't need to be discussed. I told him it really bothers me that he will go over there and sit for hours considering he doesn't have supervised visitation. I also explained to him that if the tables were turned and I did that with my son's father, he would probably have a fit, and he rightfully agreed. I told him that if he had 3 or 4 hours to spend over there, he might as well bring his son back to our house. He said that I was completely right, and it's not cool that he sits over there just because of the drive. Am I wrong for this? I never try to come between him seeing his son, and never would. But is it appropriate for him to sit over there and visit regardless if she's home or not? My son's father and I get along great, but I don't want him sitting over here for hours on end when he can just as easily take him. I'm just wondering if I'm being selfish. Should I not let it bother me? It's not a jealousy thing, he left her. But I think it's very inappropriate for her to strike up conversations such as her having sex and thinking he needs to know about it. How would you all feel?

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with him staying at his ex's house for a few hours to visit his son, whether she's there and visiting with him or not. He will have to have a relationship with her for the rest of his life as they have a child together; the better they get along, the better it is for his son. From the time point of view, if he's driving to her house, driving his son back to yours, then taking him back home again, he's spending two hours on the road, which eats up at 1/2 to 3/4 of the time he has. And when you consider he then has to drive himself back home, that makes four hours he's spent on the road. I don't see that as particularly safe.
What I don't understand is why this is an issue when you've said that he agrees that it's inappropriate and agrees he wouldn't accept you doing the same? I would think your issue would be resolved because, since he agrees, he's no longer going to do it, right? Also, why don't you go with him on his visits?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"But is it appropriate for him to sit over there and visit regardless if she's home or not?"
Who knows what is "appropriate" anymore? Once upon a time, it was considered inappropriate for a woman to shack up with a man she wasn't married to. The authorities would have been called if there was a child in the house. It was considered inappropriate beyond belief to have a baby out of wedlock. It would have been outrageous to pretend that any of this was good for people or for society in general.
Inappropriate? Does that word really mean anything anymore in today's world?
If he agrees that it would be inappropriate for you to spend time like this with your ex, then it seems to me that he should also not do it. Is it possible for him to spend time with his child at a park (I'm not sure where you live, so this might be impossible due to weather), in a local museum, doing some shopping that needs to get done, or in other places? (I'm trying to suggest places that are free or nearly so, but he could also try the movie theatre, restaurants, etc.)
I have become an expert at this because I often see my two daughters for 2-3 hours on the days that they don't actually stay with me. I know of a place that has ice cream cones for $1, I take them for necessary shopping, and we go biking on local trails near where my ex lives.
I realize that your issue is mostly with his willingness to stop spending quality time with his ex, which I agree is not something you want to encourage, but I wanted to make some suggestions that maybe you could pass on.
Good luck!
--recreating
Yeah, he takes him to the store to buy him something or even takes him to Chuck E. Cheese to play games. I know that I shouldn't even say anything because it's not a trust issue whatsoever. I am extremely confident in our relationship. It just really annoys me when she sits there for his time with his son and yaps his ear off about stuff that he could careless about (ie. her having sex.) There are days where she will ask him to watch their son so she can go do something, and he will tell her he will but has things to do later and she will show up an hour late which completely annoys me. I KNOW this is extra time he can spend with his son, but when we have things to do (such as our moving day) and she takes her sweet time to come home, it really gets under my skin. My BF and his ex get along, as I get along with my son's father. It should be that way. But my son's father doesn't come over our house and sit here for 4 hours at a time. He will take him, and then either bring him home or I go pick him up. We had another discussion about this last night, and he said from now on he will pick him up and just bring him home (he doesn't have a time limit with him) so he can keep him all day if he wants so driving shouldn't be an issue. But why should he have to spend hours over there when we have a home that his son should be coming to when he's with him? I guess I just can't see how he can do it because I don't think I would be comfortable doing it with my ex no matter how well we get along.
Michele
From what I understand, there was only one sex conversation??
For what it's worth, I don't agree that discussing sex means that she still desires him. Rather, I believe that this was her way of telling him that she's moved on.