we WANT to get through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
we WANT to get through this.
4
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 11:12am

It's so hard. Me and my boyfriend Justin have been dating for almost 6 months. He lives 40 minutes away so i usually only see him on weekends. We've had our share of ups and downs. He's texted other girls, and stuff like that. I've threatened to break up with him, and he NEVER wants to. But i still have hope in him, because he has improved a lot. He used to go to parties and mess around with two girls at the same party (before we were dating)! He admits to me a lot that I have changed him. It's just really hard to beleive that he tells the truth anymore, and i'm afraid its too hard of a relationship to get back on track. Especially since I never see him, because he has been grounded for the past month because he got into the drug Oxycontin . We are both 17. And the fact that I am the only one who drives, and his mom is a psycho rich bitch. He is extremely well off and has a beautiful house. His parents are barely letting him do anything with me anymore, even provoking him to go hang out with other girls! I know i'm not suppose to let the parents ruin the relationship, but my mom thinks i have depression! Its just been let downs within the past month. He keeps saying "Danielle its the end of the month, im ungrounded lets just see how it goes" He gets his car in January or late december. I know that will help a lot because he tells me that he will be up to my house every day after work. HE IS 17 AND HE WORKS FROM 2:30 -6 EVERYDAY. Its ridiculous, it was halloween yesterday and he couldnt even come see me (because its also my dads birthday) because he had to finish all of his work! He works on cars. I just feel there isn't enough trust in our relationship anymore, and that he doesn't have time for me anymore.. SO any of your help would be greatly appreciated! I really want this to work out! I just don't want to waste anymore of my time if its hopeless!

x

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 3:39pm

Danielle, I can understand your confusion - being on the cusp between teenage and adulthood. And interestingly, your concerns reflect your confusion.

You don't like his parents having input into your relationship - which is the emerging adult in you. But you've also got to realise that while he's living under their roof and is dependant on them, the DO get a say as to how he runs his life. If you want someone who doesn't have parental input, find a guy who's independant.

Getting grounded for a month is a very fair punishment for using drugs. You've got no right to complain about that one and how it effects you. Unless you are anti-drugs and in which case, you need to reflect on his behaviour.

On the flipside of wanting to be an adult, you're upset about him working and not being able to do Halloween with you. This is the child in you coming out. Danielle, him placing work (and father's birthday) first is very adult of him. Working from 2:30 to 6 everyday at age 17 shows he has commitment and drive. It's not ridiculous at all and bodes well for a good future work ethic. Very soon, he will have finished school and if he doesn't go to college, he will be working FULL TIME. And there will be no time off for Halloween then!

His parents wanting him to see other girls? Perhaps they are unhappy about you challenging his good work ethic and going against what they want for him.

I think that perhaps you have to figure out whether you want an adult relationship with responsibilities and commitment to those around you (work and family) or a teen relationship with no responsibilities to anyone but each other.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2006
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:23pm

iv_aisha2004 ,I do agree with you that being grounded for a month is a fair punishment, but I didn't mention that he TOLD HIS PARENTS that he had been doing drugs. They didn't just find out from some random person. He sat his mom down and spilled everything to her. I was glad he told someone! But frustrated he didn't tell me first.. you know? ANd we had plans for a MONTH to do something that meant a lot to me, we both even took work off! And ofcourse they didn't let him go. But then they told me that that was the only punishment that they were going to put on him. THe next week ONCE AGAIN when we have plans his psycho mom just "changes" her mind (she does that a lot) and says he's grounded for that week too. ANd she kept adding on after that, until finally his step dad stepped in and said ONLY TILL THE END OF OCTOBER. THat is why i dislike his parents, they are last minute people, and they didn't only ruin HIS plans, they completely destroyed mine. I found out the DAY of that important event i wanted to take him with to, that i had to find some one else. To me that is unfair, and unresponsible on the parents part. If they would have told me earlier, i would have been okay with it. But the DAY OF, that is ridiculous!

ANd now that i think about it, you are completely right about Halloween but only if i was an adult. I am not an adult. I am still a teenager, a senior in highschool, and i have 8 more years until my brain is fully mature. He works for his DAD. His FATHER. ANd once again, him not being able to come to celebrate my dads birthday with me on halloween (it was my dad i think you got it messed up) was a last minute decision for his parents, AGAIN.

So I just wanted to explain more thouroughly and thank you for your advice! If you have anymore feel free to post again! thanks! :) <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 9:18pm
Since you recognize that you're a teenager and have many more years before you're a mature adult, I'd say that means you also have to recognize that as teenagers you have to abide by what parents dictate whether you like it or not.


It's great that he told his parents about his drug use, but that doesn't get him off being punished, taking drugs is serious (street or prescription if they weren't prescribed to you). Neither of us can know the whole story on the changing punishment, it could easily be that he continues to violate rules at home that require additional punishment. Unless you're there and witnessing it from start to finish, you can't really know. But, since you have to abide by parents rules, you just have to learn to accept it and deal with it.


iVillage has a board that might be a fairly good fit for you:


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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 5:38am

Danielle: I know you aren't going to want to hear this, but there are two very important ealities that you seem to be mising completely. First, you have no control over the hings that are presently affecting your "relationship" with this boy (nor SHOULD you have any control) and second, 6 months isn't nearly enough time to establish a "relationship" with anyone, particularly at your young ages.

I can tell you with almost complete certainty that at 17, if this is the kind of boy who would pursue 2 girls at the same party on the same night, this behavior is not going to change in 6 months - no matter how much he says or thinks that he likes you. This doesn't mean you should give up on him, what it means is that you need to lower your expectations of the "relationship" so that you don't get hurt. Managing a trick like that takes some maturity - and therein lies the biggest problem that YOU do have conrol over - yourself and your emotions.

Just by reading how you have expressed what you consider to be the problem, I can see that you are viewing the situation very narrowly from only your perspective. That's not untypical or unexpectd for a person your age. However, it's still a very unrealistic view. As you grow up and mature, your life experiences will make you more able to see things as they really are. Since you're not there yet, here are the likely facts: You are both young. Your parents rightfully have some control of your lives and (most likely) are acting in your best interest. Your best interest isn't always what you WANT - often it's what you NEED.

Here is the dangerous part: Like most kids your age, you are confusing your emerging sexuality with "love." It's easy to do, and plenty of adults do it, too (confuse the passion that happens early in a relationship for love). You need to get yourself to a point where you understand that having a boyfriend and dating can be fun and exciting, but you can't believe in the fairytale ending - it never happens that way.

December is right around the corner. If he still wants to see you then, and his parents allow it, go ahead and date. I urge you to abstain from having sex, but if you do have sex, please understand that THERE IS NO GUARENTEE that he will be faithful and it is unrealistic to think that is even likely. This makes having SAFE SEX your most important consideration.

LRM