Considering a final try.
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:52pm |
I am considering another attempt at my old relationship. I wrote a post here about the relationship titled "He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED" about two weeks ago.
After ten days apart, I've realized ways in which I was overly critical and impatient with my old boyfriend. I've had time to think. We have been in contact this entire time, so perhaps I have not had appropriate separation time, but neither of us wanted to go without communication. He calls, I answer the phone.
Loneliness isn't a factor. I have many friends (who are sick of my waffling, so that I'd have to stop) and I always have fun with my life but I miss his presence terribly.
We are going to open up discussion about which way to go, tomorrow evening. We will make some resolutions and air our concerns. Things have got to change but I feel there is good potential and a lot of willingness for change.
I know that re-starting a broken relationship is dangerous and tricky, and I'm just wondering if any of you have done this successfully, and what it took from each party.
Edited 11/2/2006 4:18 pm ET by straightshooter2006

Pages
Straightshooter's previous posts can be found here:
Thanks so much, sad but for the best
He loves me but I am SO FRUSTRATED
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I wouldn't say it's dangerous and tricky.... more that it's usually incredibly hard and unsuccessful.
I scanned your past 2 posts and since you're asking - I would not consider trying this again. It is very clear that even though there is some positive connection between the two of you, he is NOT the one. It is obvious from your description of him and the relationship, that you don't respect him. You see him as a failure, and on top of that, you find him boring and uninterested in the kind of entertainment you want and need to feel happy. This doesn't make you a bad person - it doesn't sound like you're asking for anything out of the ordinary.
What you fail to see is that you can't manipulate him into changing. At 30 something, he is who he is. If you don't like him that way, do him a favor and let him go so he can find a better match - and so YOU can, too.
I would also recommend taking a good hard look at your own behavior. You are so open about your manipulation of him, it seems clear you don't think there's anything wrong with doing that. That's not a good attitude to have, if you expect to have any successful, long-term relationship in the future. People who are manipulated eventually begin to resent it - usually way past the point when the relationship can be saved. And (as is evident by your expressed feelings) the manipulators lose respect for the manipulated, and things go down hill from there.
Stop playing head games - with him, and with anyone else. It isn't fair, it isn't healthy, and in the long run it will cause you unnecessary pain and suffering.
LRM
LETTING GO OF HARMFUL RELATIONSHIPS
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Do you LOVE this guy? I mean, do you LOVE him? Would you wipe spaghetti from his chin and lick your finger? If he mispronounced "bourgeois" at a party, would you look at the floor or would you mispronounce it too? Would you get angry if his boss took a chip at his self esteem?
I'm not saying you have to love or don't have to love him. But if you're just as fine moving along, if only it weren't for that twitch of loneliness and mouring the loss of your broken Tuesday night Netflix ritual, then move along. Buy a lipgloss, sign up for yoga, clean out your closet. But don't do him the disservice of "working it out" if you're not in LOVE with him.
And that means accepting him, laundry dates and dirty hair and all.
Read about my mommin' in Chicago!
Well, thanks for your words yet again. I was saved from making a big mistake by his own incompetence. HE COULDN'T MANAGE TO GET US MOVIE TICKETS and tried to get me to buy them online because he was TOO OVERWHELMED. He was cursing and upset on the phone as he attempted. He had to call me back THREE TIMES before giving up on the tickets and telling me to deal with it.
Unbelievable!
It was his Big Chance and he blew it, for good.
That's that. From now on, I "go with the gut."
Have a lovely weekend!
Straightshooter two thousand and six.
No.
You're making the right move here. Who knows, maybe you'll meet someone tomorrow who can do the things that make you happy and feel loved. Or maybe that person will come along in 4 months. The point is, this guy isn't it- you can't stand him!
I like you.
Read about my mommin' in Chicago!
It is so hard.
OK, I'm answering everyone who wrote, then onward to the breakups board if I need to say more!!
I'm happy you are sticking with it this time.
Hi, thanks very much for reading my other posts--which were long--and taking the time to answer mine.
I agree that there is definitely "some positive connection" between he and I. Very true!! This makes it hard to just give in to the notion that it can't work. I know, it can't, at least at this time.
He is who he is, to a certain degree. However--I did a LOT of changing during my early 30s, and as a pretty late bloomer myself, I recognize this in him. He's a sweet, good, kind hearted person.
I don't think I was playing any "head games" or trying to manipulate him into changing. I was exhaustingly direct with him and to his credit, he always asked for things to be explained carefully. He is a reflective person who processes things and comes back with plenty to say.
The repeat attempts to break up?? NOT a game. I really knew that he wasn't right for me but I had a VERY hard time cutting it off. I didn't "cry wolf" for fun. I just loved him on the most basic level (values, personality, scent, attitude, "vibe") and hoped to god that we could figure it out. The "crying wolf" just happened because I lost control of myself while feeling too frustrated and hoping too hard.
I don't see him as a failure, I see him as someone who is just beginning to come into his own, and once he gets to that place where the ground's no longer shaking beneath his feet he will be great. He's very, very open minded and pliant, but under WAY too much stress right now to manage the kind of relationship I wanted.
Admittedly I'm not the most incredibly stable person right now either (obviously) and perhaps the timing was just completely off.
I guess those are the brakes!
Pages