I'm trying hard to be understanding...
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| Sat, 11-04-2006 - 6:03am |
Hello Everyone,
First of all, let me introduce myself. I am new to the boards, 41 and after years of bad timing and toxic relationships, I have finally found a wonderful man, and we have fallen deeply in love. He is kind, generous, sweet, and normally very sensitive and thoughtful, until...he started nursing school.
Please know that I understand what he is going through; I worked full-time as a teacher while I pursued my M.A., and getting my B.A. was also very tough. I know that school has to take top priority in his life right now, then his son from a previous marriage, then me. However, there are little things that he says (unthinkingly) that as a woman I tend to take to heart and I don't know how to deal with it. I really need some advice.
For instance, since he is in school and I work all day, we rarely get to see each other for any real quality "alone time." We had the chance to spend the whole evening together last Saturday night, and he wasn't in the mood to be intimate. That was fine; I could understand that. However, he had to mention that he "couldn't remember the last time he had a sexual thought." Great. Wonderful. Just what the woman you are going to marry needs to hear. The next morning, he was raring to go, but in the meantime, those words from the night before really hurt (maybe they shouldn't have, but they did).
Then last night I called him and he was working on a paper and was too busy to talk. I said I would let him get back to his work, and he said, "I'll call you later if I think of it." I said, "yeah, if I cross your mind, give me a ring," and I hung up on him. I shouldn't have done that, but it just seemed like, "well, I never think of you, but if I happen to, I'll call."
I know he loves me, he tells me all the time that he does. When we are together, he is so sweet and good to me. It's just that those words (and that sometimes attitude) hurts, and I want to be able to stay patient and deal with it. I don't want my reactions to be the wrong ones. What should I do? How should I deal with this?
Sorry this is so long, but I've really needed to talk about this.
Thank you for listening,
Dulcinea

Hi dulciena,
I hope that you don't mind a man's perspective on your problem. Understand, anything that I say is not to be critical but constructive. First, I am deeply involved with a woman who is much like your significant other. She is warm, giving, exciting and all around beautiful but by her own admission, has a sharp tongue. Being that I am sensitive, it can cause a problem with me even though she isn't even aware that there is one.
To begin, you say that you understand what is going through but do you really? It is clear that he is under a lot of stress but being a man, he isn't or doesn't know how to communicate this to you. His comment that "he couldn't remember the last time that he had a sexual thought" was not directed toward you personally but his way of saying that he was feeling stressed by a great deal of things in his life and his mind was totally preoccupied by those things. It was a perfect opportunity for you to ask him "why that was?" or anything that might draw him out and talk about what was bothering him. Trust me, it isn't always easy to get us guys to open up but when you do, we love you for it. You have to be patient and in time, we will spill everything that is bothering us. And you have to keep in mind your role in all of this. When he says something that bothers you, do you call him on it or keep quiet and simmer about it? (I know, because I am guilty of this all of the time) Second, know that for every action, there is a equal or greater reaction. It's the old one drop of water in the face, to two drops until you are throwing buckets at one another. It takes a conscious effort on your (and his) part to diffuse the sitauation and cause things to be good. Are you and can you do that?
If you really want to take a proactive role in all of this, then when he says something that hurts or bothers you, then as nicely as possible, call him on it. You said that at the beginning that he is a kind, generous and sweet man. If that is truly what lies at his core, then he is still that. Think the best of him, know that he loves you and it is outside pressures that is putting him out of sorts. Most of the time, if you communicate honestly (very important!) and think of each other in the best of lights, you will find that for the most part, what is said is not what is meant (something that my girl and I have found out when we work through it). Good luck and I know that you'll get through this and be better people for it.
Reg
Reg,
Thank you so much for the enlightenment of the male perspective. I will definitely take what you said to heart and try to let him know that while he doesn't really mean things to sound unthinking or unfeeling, they do to me. In fact, that's what I did after the phone call incident last night. When we talked again, I told him that I realized how important everything about school was to him (and by the way, I do ask him every day about his schoolwork, and allow him to vent, as I know that is important), but I asked him to think about how things sound if he were on the other side of things. Your input has been very, very helpful. Thank you again.
Dulcinea
As a graduate student married to another graduate student who just finished his phd and is going on the job market this year, I can tell you those things you described happen in our household all the time.
We rarely get to spend quality time and when we do we're too tired to be intimate. I have gone months without a sexual thought.. sex is very spur of the moment once or twice a week phenomenon. This semester we didnt have sex for one whole month. I had too many deadlines, and when I didnt, my husband did. It just didnt work out.. heck we didnt even go to bed or wake up together. We rarely make love at night these days because we go to bed thinking other thoughts. Often mornings are the only times we feel remotely sexual. Today was the first day in TWO MONTHS that my husband and I took the morning off. It was the first weekend in two months that I didnt study 12 hours. Life can be very busy and when it gets that way.. relationships need to be maintained not worked on. You just cant put time into the relationship. It has to be self-sustaining.
That said I know where you're coming from. For two years my husband was doing his phd before I joined the program, and I often got frustrated the way you are getting. Today as someone in the same boat as he was then.. (I take 4 very challenging classes, do research for a professor, plus teach a class) I totally understand why my husband was always tired or preoccupied.
Sometimes only others in the same situation can understand or sympathisize.
My advice to you is to give up trying to get your bf's attention. You wont get it and if you do you'll be doing him a great disservice. He needs to give his program 150% of his attention. Trust me, when things will get too much and when he will get burned out he will come running to you. It may happen very very rarely.. maybe as in my case once every two months, but it will happen.
If you dont feel that you can deal with this sort of relationship then you need to step out and break it off. Because if you complain or demand his time, you will either lose him or he will lose his footing in the program. You dont want either.. so find some hobbies and wait it out a few years till it gets better.
Good luck!
How long have you been together?
Stress and Your Sex Life
I can understand how his insensitive comment would have hurt. A quick question, has he always made these kinds of comments, or is this just since he's been so busy? An easy way to get the ball rolling for him to recognize that he's saying things that are hurtful is to answer him with one word when he says things like that, "ouch". That should cause him to stop and think about what he said, and it will also let him know pretty quickly that what he said hurt. It should get the ball rolling to address hurtful remarks that he doesn't intend to make, and in bringing them to light, have him stop making them, as he'll now be more aware of what he's saying.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"