Just not attracted to him - please help!
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Just not attracted to him - please help!
| Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:40pm |
I recently started dating a really nice guy. He is a perfect gentleman, showers me with gifts, and has a sweet personality. The problem is that I'm just not attracted to him. He's quite overweight, and while he says that his weight bothers him, he doesn't seem to be making any effort to lose it. I know that it can be very difficult to lose weight, and I feel very shallow for being turned off by his extra pounds. He is also going bald, which I know he can't help, so I also feel very shallow for being turned off by that. I guess I just feel very guilty for not being attracted to him at all since he is such a great guy and he obviously likes me so much and finds me attractive. He likes the fact that I am thin and keep in shape. Otherwise, we have a lot in common and are fairly close in age - he's 28, I'm 22. Will attraction come later in the relationship for me? What can I do to overlook his weight? I feel like a horrible, shallow person, and I'm so ashamed of myself! Please give me some advice.

If you aren't attracted to him, then you just aren't.
lovelystar,
You are not a horrible person nor shallow, you just have ideas about what you want in a partner's apperance.
Defleppardgal
You're not being shallow, you're being honest. What would be a problem is if you continued this relationship without having feelings for this guy. You'd become more and more guilty as time went by for not feeling for him like you should and more and more unhappy and dissatisfied too. The truth is, ending the relationship is doing the guy a favor, he deserves to be with someone who does feel for him in a physical way, he deserves to be with someone who does find him attractive; staying with you assures that he won't have what he deserves. You both deserve better, and you're right to address it now than to continue to try to force feelings that you don't have. You can't force them, it doesn't work that way.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
Edited 11/6/2006 3:56 am ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I don't think it's awful to not be attracted to someone. I think attraction is natural, I think you'll find it applies to every relationship you're in. If you figure out a way to make yourself attracted to him you'll be rich, attraction isn't something you can force, I don't think. Even in the animal world attraction is a part of the basis of selection. It's in our brains.
We've had plenty of posts from men and women regarding their husbands or wives having gained weight, let themselves go, etc., and their spouse no longer finding them attractive, sometimes being repulsed by them. Those who post are upset with themselves, their spouses, and they don't know what to do. Granted you can't guarantee the person you marry won't gain weight or change in physical appearance, but clearly, attraction is important - you're not alone and you're not unusual and I don't think you're shallow either. We all have our own taste in what's attractive in the opposite sex, every one of us. Attraction is important. Nice guys are nice guys, nice guys who we're also attracted to are boyfriends. It's as simple as that. Look at it this way, there are some women who will think the guy you're seeing is attractive, he's just not to you. Likewise, guys you see as attractive won't be viewed as attractive to some others.
It's not like you're only looking for a good looking guy, personality is clearly very important to you. Having a guy who's personality is right and who's attractive to you is important. You're not being picky, you're being reasonable. Don't beat yourself up, you're fine.
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
good luck to you!