Just not attracted to him - please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Just not attracted to him - please help!
10
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:40pm
I recently started dating a really nice guy. He is a perfect gentleman, showers me with gifts, and has a sweet personality. The problem is that I'm just not attracted to him. He's quite overweight, and while he says that his weight bothers him, he doesn't seem to be making any effort to lose it. I know that it can be very difficult to lose weight, and I feel very shallow for being turned off by his extra pounds. He is also going bald, which I know he can't help, so I also feel very shallow for being turned off by that. I guess I just feel very guilty for not being attracted to him at all since he is such a great guy and he obviously likes me so much and finds me attractive. He likes the fact that I am thin and keep in shape. Otherwise, we have a lot in common and are fairly close in age - he's 28, I'm 22. Will attraction come later in the relationship for me? What can I do to overlook his weight? I feel like a horrible, shallow person, and I'm so ashamed of myself! Please give me some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 12:51pm

If you aren't attracted to him, then you just aren't.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 6:34pm

lovelystar,


You are not a horrible person nor shallow, you just have ideas about what you want in a partner's apperance.

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:31pm
Thanks for replying to my post. I really appreciate your input. I kind of figured that if I'm not attracted to him, then it will be pretty hard to make it work. Do you think that attraction can come with time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:43pm
Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. I just wish that I were attracted to him because he's such a nice guy and he treats me so well. I'm just afraid that I'm never going to find a guy who is exactly what I want. :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:00am
At 22 you'll have plenty of time to find a guy who will be everything you want him to be, don't worry about that. What you've realized is that you need the entire package, a guy who was only good looking wouldn't be enough for you, and a guy who's only personality isn't enough for you either. Quite honestly, if you aren't attracted to someone physically, it's pretty hard to be in a romantic relationship with them, since a romantic relationship is physical. People who you like, who are nice? Those are friends -- it's what differentiates romantic relationships from platonic/friend relationships.


You're not being shallow, you're being honest. What would be a problem is if you continued this relationship without having feelings for this guy. You'd become more and more guilty as time went by for not feeling for him like you should and more and more unhappy and dissatisfied too. The truth is, ending the relationship is doing the guy a favor, he deserves to be with someone who does feel for him in a physical way, he deserves to be with someone who does find him attractive; staying with you assures that he won't have what he deserves. You both deserve better, and you're right to address it now than to continue to try to force feelings that you don't have. You can't force them, it doesn't work that way.




~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/6/2006 3:56 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 12:03pm
Thanks for your advice! I really appreciate it. I'm already starting to find that it's difficult to have a physical, romantic relationship with someone that I'm not attracted to. Obviously, I would never tell him that I don't find him attractive because his self-esteem is already so low. Actually, I probably wouldn't say something like that to anyone because it just seems mean. But I agree that I am going to have to do something to either fix the relationship and make myself attracted to him or let him go. I'm just still really angry at myself for letting the attraction factor be a problem at all...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 12:53am
I agree that telling him you're not attracted would be mean and unnecessary.


I don't think it's awful to not be attracted to someone. I think attraction is natural, I think you'll find it applies to every relationship you're in. If you figure out a way to make yourself attracted to him you'll be rich, attraction isn't something you can force, I don't think. Even in the animal world attraction is a part of the basis of selection. It's in our brains.


We've had plenty of posts from men and women regarding their husbands or wives having gained weight, let themselves go, etc., and their spouse no longer finding them attractive, sometimes being repulsed by them. Those who post are upset with themselves, their spouses, and they don't know what to do. Granted you can't guarantee the person you marry won't gain weight or change in physical appearance, but clearly, attraction is important - you're not alone and you're not unusual and I don't think you're shallow either. We all have our own taste in what's attractive in the opposite sex, every one of us. Attraction is important. Nice guys are nice guys, nice guys who we're also attracted to are boyfriends. It's as simple as that. Look at it this way, there are some women who will think the guy you're seeing is attractive, he's just not to you. Likewise, guys you see as attractive won't be viewed as attractive to some others.

It's not like you're only looking for a good looking guy, personality is clearly very important to you. Having a guy who's personality is right and who's attractive to you is important. You're not being picky, you're being reasonable. Don't beat yourself up, you're fine.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 2:20pm
Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2005
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 3:38pm
If you are not attracted to him don't lead him to believe you are because at the end you probably won't have a great guy by you.. but also might loose a good friend.Is best to be honest and I don't mean to be cruel to him but, may be just stay as friends to see how things go.Just time will tell. In the mean time don't take gifts and things from him. So he won't feel used by you.I was on a similar situation didn't wait for the 2nd or 3rd date. I told him we could be friends and that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship and it worked out fine.
good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2006
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 6:11pm
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me and for your advice. I definitely appreciate it. :-)