Third year of marriage crises

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Third year of marriage crises
3
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 10:43pm

This is the first time i post here are introducing myself. I've been married almost three years , have a one year old and i am expecting my second one, due beggining next year.
I am brazilian and my husband is american, and this "detail" never really mattered to us. We've had a wonderful relationship since we met, trully, a fairy tale. My husband went to brazil asked my father the permission to marry me and everything else! We got pregnant and everything was like a dream. I am not gonna say that we've never had problems at all, because as any couple we have issues, but generally we were in love and everything was manageable . Now, after almost three years, a lot of financial issues (which can really cool things down"im sure many of you will understand what im talking about") it feels like we are a couple of friends living together.

Just to start, we dont kiss each other anymore, there are no good mornings, good nights,romance,bye-bye kisses, nothing.And to be honest i miss feeling those sensations a lot, even more than a miss my husband. I trully miss the sensations that i had with him. Some times i realize he is still with me, and we are still a couple although we dont behave like one most part of the time and it feels weird.It feels like if i had remembered that i had someone on my side, a lover.

From my part, besides all the money issues that we've had, his difficulty with budgeting, hat most affected our relationship is the fact that my husband has "one" "small" bad habit, He basically stares at other women,on tv, in public, whatever. I've asked him many many times, to not do this with me , that i feel disrespected and unloved, and he always answers me that "he doesnt know what im talking about". I am pregnant m which makes me feel even worse, with how much he stares. Even with reality shows, i mean, if he sees a woman showing off parts of her body, even just being sensual , anything( a woman that calls attention) he stares at her in front of me , it really makes me feel like XXXXX.
I feel like i've lost feelings for him, but i miss having passion in my life.I feel humilhated and asking him to stop doesnt seem like a good option anymore, once i feel stupid and humilhated evrytime i do that and he says he doesnt know what im talking about.
I feel so bad, im 27 years old and feel soooo old, a mother of two, no career or anything, just at home all day, no beauty care, its awful.

i dont know what to do anymore and i feel like my marriage is falling apart. please . if anybody has anything to say that could help me, please do so.

thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 2:36am
Welcome to the board, Perolabranca ~


Before I can answer you, I need to make sure I understand the situation. You said that you've become more like friends due to financial problems you've dealt with. What I'm wondering is what kind of problems did the financial problem cause your relationship? Were you angry at each other, fighting about finances? If so, were the problems between you resolved or were they more avoided until they just kind of "went away" or became unimportant in time? Or is it more a case of having to put so much energy and attention on the financial problem that there wasn't time to focus on your relationship, and once the financial problem was resolved the two of you were in the habit of not being attentive to each other? Understanding the situation will be helpful in giving you suggestions that will help your actual situation.


As far as him giving you an answer of "I don't know what you mean" when you talk to him about his looking, if you're letting it go at that, you're letting him get away with pushing the conversation off without having to face it. The fact is, you're not stupid or seeing something that's not there. He does know what you're talking about and you shouldn't feel wrong or stupid to bring it up. But, I think the issue is better addressed after understanding the rest of your problem better.


I'll be checking back for your response ~







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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:03am

Do you have any friends, like other stay at home moms? It is so difficult to stay at home all day with young children. You will feel old if you don't get out of the house a little every day.

I suggest that you find some other moms to hang out with. Maybe, you could find an exercise class (especially after the birth of your second child). There are classes just for moms and they have babysitting services at the gym.

If you have activities and other things for your mind to think about, then I think you will have more clarity about your marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 3:43pm

Hi,

Well, I am sure your husband loves you. It may be that because he has gone through the same struggles you have and is also feeling beaten down that maybe that is affecting your ability to connect, and from the way you sound it seems like you are feeling down not only because of him but because of other things as well.
Don't rush to think you marriage is a failure or that your husband is somehow displeased with you. Remember to think of all the other reasons you may be feeling this way. Pregnancy, financial issues, being a stay at home mom, and I am sure it may be difficult adjusting to a different culture. It can all lead to a depressingly low self image.
Watch your husband, if he smiles at you he loves you. And if he loves you it may mean that he wants exactly what you want, more intimacy, more romance, more love.
Never let anything go of course, and always demand that he treat you with respect. But, you might want to give him a chance to show you that he wants the same things you do. We all get hurt sometimes, I am sure your husband does too. But, if you said you had a fairy tale, that means you had something many women never feel and chances are good that you still have it, and you just need to reawaken it. Take that fairy tale back.