SO Never Happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2006
SO Never Happy
5
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:26pm
I have been with my boyfriend now for 3+ years. We are perfect together and love each other very much. Marriage is shortly around the corner. I am not here to write about my relationship, but I am worried about my boyfriend. He is in general a very negative person. All of our friends know it and expect it. We have learned that he is just a negative guy and expects the worst out of life. He gets down and blue about things really easy, but he tries to cover them up. Then every other month he tells me how unhappy he is about his life. Now we have both graduated college, we have had different jobs and even have moved to different environments, etc... so I dont think it is anything external. He just always says that he isnt where he thought he would be in life, he doesnt feel successful, he doesnt know where he is going, he doesnt know what he wants to do with his life, etc... Now we both have really good jobs, we just moved to a new city, we live pretty close to our families, we both have really close, good friends... I dont see what is making him so unhappy and neither does he. He tells me he doesnt know why he is so unhappy. Things could always be worse, but he looks at things in such a negative way. I tell him to lighten up, I try to listen, I try to crack jokes, I try to be serious, I try to "kick him into shape", but none of these approaches are working. I really want him to go talk to someone but he doesnt have time or doesnt want to make the effort. How do you help someone that is so unhappy, when you dont even know why they are feeling this way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: isugirlly6
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 10:44pm

It's part of his personality and it will probably not ever change (based on how you have described him).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: isugirlly6
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 1:08am
You can't help someone who's unhappy, they are the only ones who can deal with and change it. How does he feel about his negativity? Has he seen a doctor about it? Is he interested in changing it? He may be depressed, but unless he's willing to address it medically and with therapy, it won't improve.


You say your friends all expect him to be negative, do they like to be around him? I'm wondering how you can be so happy with someone who is negative, and I'm wondering if you feel you'll be happy to spend your life with someone who's negative, disappointed and unhappy with their life?


Being with someone who's negative is very exhausting, for some of the very reasons you cited -- you try to bring them up and try to find ways to change their mood and outlook. Not only is it exhausting, but the non-results wear on you. Being with someone who's negative can drain the life right out of you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: isugirlly6
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 6:32am

I agree with the other responders that you will not be able to change this basic personality trait in your b/f. You would be smart to take a good, hard look at whether, realistically, you can be happy spending your life with such a person. It will NOT be easy.

His (and your) only hope is to get help - a medical assessment of the problem and then treatment with medication and/or therapy. This has worked for my husband and daughter (age 23), who share a tendency toward depression and anxiety. However, it has not been easy. In fact, in over 30 years of marriage, I have only gotten my husband to a therapist twice. It has helped in the past. I am about to insist upon it again.

Unfortunately, since you are not yet married, and have not been together all that long, you may not be in a position to INSIST that he get help. You are, however, in a position to save yourself a lifetime of frustration by refusing to marry this man until he deals with his issues. Let me be perfectly clear - ultimatums are not good for relationships, and I'm not recommending that you put your demand in those terms. What works for me is the old song: "Life doesn't have to hurt this much, I promise, please let someone help you."

I suggest you speak to a therapist about your b/f and get a recommendation for how to proceed. Perhaps, after your initial consultation, making an appointment when it is likely he will be available, and then asking him to accompany you.

Good luck. You'll need it. But if you take anything from my advice, let it be this: Do not romanticize your notion of what marriage to a negative, depressed person is going to be like. Educate yourself on the subject. Talk to some professionals. Ignoring or underestimating the long term effects of these issues on your marriage is a mistake you don't want to make, and doing so is a disservice to him as well as yourself.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
In reply to: isugirlly6
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 7:34am
Please don't minizime this in your mind. I was married to a guy who was always unhappy. It ruined every holiday, happy life event, family get together. It totally brings down the level of enjoyment of...everything. Its very freeing to just feel...happy!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: isugirlly6
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 8:11am

Sounds like he gets lots of attention for his

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***