Moving Out, Staying Together:What Gives?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Moving Out, Staying Together:What Gives?
14
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:34pm

My boyfriend and I have been together since my freshmen year of college. We had a few breaks, but got together. I am now 30 and want marriage and children. I asked him if he ever was going to marry me; this caused him to not speak to me for three weeks. We fought and said some things from the past (for example, he has had numerous online affairs and quit his job and remained unemployed for three years while he attended college and I supported him, and he said that I nag him to help me around the house.)

He then told me he wanted to move out. I asked him what the reason was and he said he wanted his own place. I asked if he wanted to see other people, he said no. I asked if he was breaking-up with me, he said no. Before he got his new car, I would drop him off work and he stopped kissing me goodbye. He doesn't say I love you anymore.

He jokes about losing weight for his ladies and when we went furniture shopping for our house, he was pointing out things that would look great in his place. We still have sex, I still clean and cook for him. Why is he doing this to me now, especially since I brought up marriage?

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Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 11-07-2006 - 11:59pm

Your BF stopped saying "I love you" and giving "goodbye" kisses before or after you mentioned marriage?

Did he jokingly start speaking of his "own place" before or after you mentioned marriage?

An answer of "before" indicates something different than an answer of "after" (in my opinion)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:10am

To summarize what you said, you've been with him most of your adult life, you want marriage and a family, he's not willing to make steps toward marriage and having a family, he's had online affairs, he is happy to stay unemployed for years because you'll support him, you nag him to help around the house, he wants to move out, he doesn't kiss you goodbye or say I love you, he JOKES about losing weight for OTHER women meanwhile you are cleaning and cooknig for him??????



Why are you willing to put up with all that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:10am
All of this happened (the moving out suggestion, stopped kissing me goodbye, etc.,...) after I asked when, if ever, he was going to marry me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:42am

I'm so sorry - but i don't think the news is good at all. My guess is that after all these years of your love and support, you asked for your expected reward - marriage and starting a family. He doesn't want to pay up. He likes things just the way they are. He has a live-in, trustworthy, cook, maid, nurturer, and sex partner who also contributes financially. Why would he want to change that scenario?

I think his threat to move out was meant to manipulate you. The message was: "If you assert yourself and ask me to consider your desires, I'll leave." And, if you press him any harder about marriage, he will leave - although he'll take his time about it and stretch it out as long as possible, probably until he finds someone else he thinks he can get the same set-up with.

The bottom line reality is that the man doesn't want what you want. Therefore, you have only 2 choices. You can either decide to live with him under this arrangement for the forseeable future, or leave and start looking for someone who wants the same life you do. Not an easy choice, but one you MUST make. He's put in a corner and you have to face that reality.

It may be that he has no intention of leaving, that he just wants to scare you into never mentioning marriage again. If this is so, you can always call his bluff and basically tell him not to let the door hit him in the butt as he leaves. Seeing that he may lose you, he'll be in the position of having to choose, and the tables will be turned. However, the problem with this tactic is that even if it works perfectly, and he sees that he loves you and wants to stay forever, you're still hooking up permanently with a guy who has shown himself to be selfish and manipulative. Is that what you want?

Should YOU decide to leave (the relationship, not necessarily the home), you have plenty of options, not the least of which is to sue him, as you would in a divorce situation. I know this sounds harsh, but if you have invested real money/assets into your life with him, you have a right to get some of that back. If you've been the major contributor, he doesn't get to walk out with stuff you've paid for, nor does he get to leave with a FREE education. Just something to keep in mind as you make your decision.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:14am

I think the other poster have filled in most of the blanks but a short answer to your question:


"Why is he doing this to me now?"


In reality, he has been doing it all along from what you have described.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:39pm

He doesn't want to marry you and he wants to date other people. He holds onto you a little bit because you are comfortable and easy for him. Who would want to leave behind the sex, cooking, and cleaning? He won't leave completely until he: 1) finds someone that he thinks is better than you, or 2) You dump him for good.

He sounds like a lost cause to me. You wouldn't have to look very hard at all to replace him with something better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 12:20am
Worddiva, there are two ways of looking at this, and neither is good. From his perspective, he's been able to walk on you, do whatever he wanted and you've put up with it. Not only have you put up with it, you've allowed it time and time again, and been his servant, and you've been his supporter, for years. What has that shown him? That you don't command respect, fidelity or equality. That he is on a higher level than you, he can do what he wants and give nothing back in return, yet you continue to support him, clean up after him and let him continue to disrespect you and your relationship. If you don't respect yourself, why should he? And if you allow a relationship that allows him to do whatever he wants without giving back, why would he leave? I've known of guys who have stayed in relationships for years, not because they were committed and had deep feelings but because it was easy. I think you know one too.


From yours, you've accepted someone who treats you with disrespect, you've accepted someone who has repeatedly proven not to be faithful, you've paid the way for this person, you've done all the work in the relationship. In doing all those things you have not only sent him the message that you don't deserve more, but you've sent yourself the same message. Now I have to ask you, why would you accept this kind of treatment? Why would you accept such low standards, such a low functioning, unequal, disrespectful, dysfunctional relationship? Do you not realize that this is not acceptable or that there are other men out there? Even if her were the last man on earth, he would not be worth your time.


I think his actions in the furniture store, his response to your question and his desire to leave are based on the same behavior that you've been seeing. He doesn't respect you, he isn't there because he cares about you and no, he has no plans to marry you. I think that you have no reason to expect anything different, you've had years to observe that this is exactly who he is. He isn't doing anything to you now that he hasn't done all along. His actions and his statements aren't surprising to me, they simply say in words what he's been saying in action all along "I don't really care, I'm just using you." What I really wonder is, why would you want to marry and have children with a man like this? Why would you want to live the rest of your life like this?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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Avatar for bearkizz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 12:52am

This situation happened to a cousin of mine, and yes, they eventually did marry (after living together for nearly 12 years) and yes, they did divorce about 5 years after that ...

With her husband, he'd come from a divorced family, the step family situations weren't much better than his parents marriage to one another and he got away with alot of stuff due to the parents individual guilt about the whole thing, therefore he wasn't particularly mature enough to be married to anyone himself .. the first time she mentioned the "M" word you'd have sworn she just asked him to castrate himself with a butter knife and so he rebelled by having an affair ... I asked her several months after their divorce if the whole chase had been worth it, and because they ultimately had a son together she said for that fact only, yes.

All that aside, given your BF's response it could be a number of things, but the only thing anyone can say with certainty is that he obviously isn't ready for something that would demand the level of maturity that marriage needs in order to thrive .. the "why's" of that I can't even begin to give you some idea of a reason for because I don't know him ... what I do know is that you have to be able to answer for yourself if what you have now is all you'll ever have, is it enough to remain in the relationship because if it isn't, then change is imminent and you'll need to think of yourself.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it stinks especially when you've given so much, and yes, it's going to hurt like crap for quite some time and wanting to trust someone else will be a challenge at first. If you opt to stay with the status quo, then yes, some days it will all feel "ok" to you again, and other days it will feel like something is still missing ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:48pm
Now, I just read your situation. I'm sure you're a smart woman, so read the signs. As far as I'm concerned, it's over. If he's moving out, not telling you he loves you, and has stopped kissing you in public, he's already gone. I believe the saying goes, "Why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free?" If he's not living with you, why in the world are you cooking and cleaning for him? He obviously has no intentions on marrying you, so you're best move is to kick him to the curb. I know it may seem difficult, but while he's still there part-time physically, he's already mentally and emotionally gone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:56pm
sounds to me like he might have someone else on the side. why should he marry you when he already has you cleaning and cooking for him and what ever else you do for him. what does a little piece of paper matter now. let him move out and see what happens. i hope that for your sake that he isn't seeing someone else. good luck!

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