Best friend doesn't invite my bf anymore
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| Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:14am |
This is my current stressful situation:
A few months back my boyfriend, (we’ll call him John) & I had a huge fight while spending time with my best friend of over 10 years (we’ll call her Mary) & her boyfriend (we’ll call him Jerry). My boyfriend has a drinking problem which he is now dealing with & we had never had a fight of that nature before. A few nights later Jerry (my best friend’s boyfriend) was trying to convince me to break up with John. I DID NOT ASK JERRY FOR HIS OPINION ON MY RELATIONSHIP & I ASKED HIM MORE THAN A FEW TIMES TO STOP-EVEN ANOTHER FRIEND OF MINE STEPPED IN & TOLD HIM TO STOP TALKING. I was very upset & told John what Jerry said. This upset John to a great extent which he addressed with Mary & Jerry. Mary felt I betrayed their trust by telling John about Jerry’s ranting.
I agreed with my boyfriend in saying that it was really not Jerry’s place to say anything at all. Jerry is not someone I know very well & I don’t really consider him a friend. Also Jerry has done this twice before (once to a couple we know that he had only met twice & once to a friend of his). After a few heated emails from John, Jerry finally apologized but not before insulting both myself & John.
John & I decided to let it go & just bury the hatchet. Despite the fact that we were both very angry.
It gets worse…
Just recently my birthday passed. It has been tradition for years that a few of my friends always plan a surprise outing for the b-day girl. John wasn't included at all in the decision process or asked to help at all. John contacted Mary before the event (he didn't want that kind of thing to come up on my b-day & really felt the need to clear the air) & told Mary he was a little disappointed he wasn't included. I read the email he sent her. It was not nasty at all. She called me about it & said she was upset because "he always has an issue & it’s really starting to put me off".
I agreed with my boyfriend. He should have been included in my b-day plans.
Even worse before we went out she invited ME over to her house for cake. She worded everything that indicated the he was clearly not invited. Finally I broke down & asked her (after obviously hinting two times previous to this) "Is John meeting us where we are going or coming to your house with me?” She coldly replied "If you want him to".
John actually ended up meeting me after going to her house. He felt very uncomfortable & obviously uninvited and therefore didn’t go. We even ended up splitting up to get to my b-day event! Mary & Jerry drove along with another two of their friends & I accompanied my friends via public transportation. We had all planned on going together via public transportation in the first place but then she changed the plans & seemed upset I didn’t go with them.
Needless to say by birthday outing wasn’t as happy as it usually is. Jerry was very antisocial. I really tried to be nice but I found him to be cold. He acted as a child would when he is forced to go to a dinner party with his parents. There was a lot of tension in the air & I almost felt ignored. Mary invited many of her family members & ignored me when they got there.
Bottom line is I can tell Mary doesn't want to be around him. She invites me out but only me. I know this because she said in the past "you guys" now it's only "you". These are not private girly things. They are social events in which many couples are going. How can I tell her this is wrong to not invite my boyfriend whom I love? Am I wrong in this situation? I am very stressed and worried. I can’t deal with it. I want it to go away.
Please give much needed advice. I am sick (as well as my boyfriend-he’s been losing sleep) with worry about how to deal with this....PLEASE HELP!!

Hi Scoobydoo. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do to change the situation. We can't make our friends like each other.
A similar thing happened to me a few years ago. My whole family *hated* my sister's husband because of how he treated her. We tolerated him at family events but we didn't associate with him when it could be avoided. There is absolutely nothing that either of them could have done to change the situation. Even if he had tried to change his ways we wouldn't have believed that he was truly trying to change. (He was a master manipulator) Nor would we forgive him for his prior behaviour to her.
Problem was, my sister was far too tolerant of his behaviour and far too forgiving. She always believed him when he said he'd change. She also had low self esteem and didn't expect to be treated better.
(My sister has since divorced this man and has a new husband who we all adore)
I suspect that something like this is going on with Mary. She doesn't want to associate with him because his past treatment of you has caused intense dislike on her part. She doesn't believe that he will change. And she can't bear being witness to you getting get hurt again.
Bottom line is we can choose who we associate with. If she doesn't want him at events, which she organises, it's her perogative to not invite him.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
I believe that Mary is singing the second verse to the song Jerry started with regards to John.
I've had a similar problem with a friend who I really liked a lot, but I absolutely could not stand her husband. I didn't go to group gatherings if I knew he'd be there, even though I missed seeing her a lot. If I'd had to choose between being friends with her and her husband or not having her as a friend, I would have chosen ending my friendship with her. It wouldn't have been worth it if I have to be around him.
What's John doing to address his alcoholism? How is that going? What are you doing to deal with John's alcoholism?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
As the other posters have siad - there isn't much you can do about this. So, you need to be an adult and make some decisions. Here's the situation as I see it:
Mary is your long-time friend, and you'd like to keep her as one.
Jerry is a "butt-in-ski" and get's into other people's business inappropriately.
So, you have to decide whether you want to keep Mary as your friend or not. If you do, then you need to understand that it's her decision to stay with Jerry, and that she has to consider him in what she does and how she handles things. That means that maintaining this friendship will require making time for Mary and you to be together without the men around. You'll need to talk to her about this privately and see if she would like to go along with such a plan. Be sure not to focus on Jerry being the reason for the change - because your (and John's) response to Jerry's "advice" was definitely part of causing the present situation.
As far as the wider circle of couples goes, you and John will need to decide whether you can join the group and have fun even if Mary and Jerry are there. This will mean working hard to avoid saying things or acting in a way that will cause conflict with M & J, or make the other couples uncomfortable in any way.
I don't see any other possibilities other than separating yourselves completely from this group, and that doesn't seem worth it.
LRM