a few small things...
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| Thu, 11-09-2006 - 2:11pm |
So I just had lunch with some friends and we were reminiscing of a dinner we had a couple of years ago, where I basically introduced my now fiancé to all my friends. Anways, they reminded me of how rude he was that night...he interupted all night long, one specific friend. I know he totally rubbed her the wrong way. He can do that. After that night I realised very quickly that I have 2 sets of people in my life. A more quiet, passive type who are non confrontational and then I have the other type who are more open, loud and aggressive. I am quite ok with both types but I'm not sure they all deal well with each other. Anyways, it was an issue that DF was a little abrupt or seemed to not listen to people and would always cut everyone off..i mean he does /did that to me all the time. We've managed to get somewhat of a handle on it - i think.
We have all sorts of little issues...some bigger than others. We are going to couples counselling - and it helps a little. I mean we both bring baggage to this relationship...i definitely do, as does he. We are a newly blended family planning a wedding for next year - just bought a new house, have 2 dogs and 2 teen daughters. Imagine the kafuffle that goes along with all this. Most of the time we barely have time to speak or go out on dates, let alone be romantic and sweet with each other. Our sex life (or rather lack of) is completely getting on my nerves. I tend to want everything working NOW, where he figures day by day things will get better. We talk about the wedding and he sees most of these romantic things as cheesey and something he's NEVER do...
does anyone have any tips or advice for me on this? I'm just feeling overwhelmed a little - i wish for once life would have handed us something easy but we need to work on this relationship especially if hope to acheive what it is i'm looking for.

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Welcome back,
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for your reply. It's so funny because I just sent you an email about your font and the fact that I can't read it...for some reason it doesn't show up well on my PC so unfortunately I have no idea what you just wrote me.
Can you write it in a different font?
Thanks for understanding,
S.
Odd that your PC doesn't read the font, which is Papyrus.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Thanks for redirecting me to those, and for others. It's actually quite interesting to see what we write and how things have or have not changed.
Since I'm at work I know this is a problem i've had with my own stuff. I've used papyrus for some documents and on the screen it looks terrible...almost like a scrawl but when I print it out it looks great. For my word documents I've had to zoom into 200 times to edit stuff but print it normally and again it looks great.
It's just a hard font to read online, i think. From what I know ( I do some web design) there are certain fonts that are so much easier to read online, and actually much easier on the eyes...so things like Arial are perfect. You'll see that most sites use that one, or something Very similiar.
If you get any info from your tech people such as settings i might need to change, for sure let me know.
Thanks,
S.
Storm, all things considered, I think you should be indefinately postponing your wedding. There's two reasons I say this:
1. many of the problems you are having now would be bad news inside a marriage. Get all all your differences sorted out first and THEN decide if you should marry. Many of the marriage failures that we see are due to people choosing partners with whom they're simply not compatible. And many of the issues you describe may not go away.
2. The other reason I suggest cancelling your wedding for now is to ease some of the pressure. When I read your post, the situation sounds like a pressure cooker ready to explode. You've got to let some steam out! Postponing your wedding will give you some breathing space and remove some of the issues. It will give you space to work on the rest of the problems.
best of luck to you
Have you read "Are You The One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis?
I'm a big fan of Dr. Phil. When I read your post it reminded me of an article on his website titled - Ten Relationship Myths - http://drphil.com/articles/article/26/
Two of them seem to immediately apply to you:
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
You will never see things through your partner's eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you're with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.
MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue.
I also think it is truly unfortunate that these friends of yours have made the choice to hold a grudge and resentment against your fiance for 2 years. That's an awful long time for not being able to let go. Are they the type of people that are never happy unless they are complaining?
From a man's perspective there are 3 or 4 things we really want and need from our partners; Acceptance, Appreciation, Respect and Protection (when others are attacking us without our presence).
What would you rather fight for - to be right, or to be happy through a fair and reasonable compromise?
I would so much rather be happy through a fair and reasonable compromise. I like what you wrote and agree with most of it - but there are times when I just need to vent cause he drives me bonkers. I do have high expectations and also sometimes (often) forget where we are in our life. We are a couple of people who fell in love at one of the most awkward times of our lives...when we both have teen kids! that sucks! so immediately we sped into full family scheduled lives. We've never had the opportunity to just sit back, relax and learn to be together. We are surviving some of the hardest times EVER. 2 other people wrote here how I should cancel our wedding and to be honest that actual thought NEVER crossed my mind. If i was to cancel my wedding it means i want out. Both he and I are as committed to each now as we ever will be. WE just need to learn to be there for each other's needs better. I will always have a higher sex drive...that will never change but somehow we should be meeting each other along the way. As much as he can drive me crazy, he is also the most caring, giving person i've ever met. He does SO much for me and our family - for him his way of showing love is to be a provider. He's a true and true family man - willing to do almost anything for his family yet he's quite honest about how difficult it can be.
Yesterday after reading a couple of the comments I was so upset - i understand the sentiment but do know in my heart of hearts we will work this all out. I will get more understanding of him, as will he.
The thing I need to work on the most is like you said "From a man's perspective there are 3 or 4 things we really want and need from our partners; Acceptance, Appreciation, Respect and Protection ". I can be critical and tend to take my frustration out on him. I pick at the things he does and don't notice enough when he does other things.
Thanks for taking the time to show me those quotes - i am a big fan of Dr. Phil too
I'm a single dad with two daughters so I fully understand the challenges of building a blended family. It is one of the most difficult challenges there are, especially when teens are involved. Teens often struggle with an identity crisis so to add a new family dynamic on top of that can often be overwhelming to them.
Frankly, I could care less about your wedding day. I understand it is important, but in the big long term picture, it is just one day. The more important part is to have a healthy and solid foundation in your lives that has the opportunity to last thousands of days.
My belief system is that there are 5 critical building blocks to life and relationships. They are; Goals, Priorities, Wants, Needs and Expectations. It starts by using these building blocks as you plan life as a whole. There needs to be direction there BEFORE a relationship can add value to your great life. Many people attempt to do a similar thing, but in the opposite direction by focusing on the relationship first, then life.
Once these building blocks are in place the next step is to consider your relationship as a separate entity. We then become accountable to do things that are for the better good of the relationship, rather than the better good of the individual. Both people need to make positive contributions for the better good of the relationship for long term success to be realized.
There is one other quote I would like to share with you. This one quote fundamentally changed my outlook on life and relationships years ago. The quote is from Stephen R. Covey and his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". Implementing that phrase means that you become externally-focused so that you can apply your best qualities and character to anything that can happen in life.
It sounds like you've got a good man there - cherish that as it is clear that he adores and cherishes you. That simple little thing is what makes life such a joy to live, experience and share.
I wish you both well.
Thanks for such profound and finally some advice from a man. you sound a lot like my fiance. I guess I'm not very good at working on all the life goals first..i've always tended to want my relationship be the thing that lead us through everything...i'm not really sure how to change this on my end.
is there anything specific you think i or he should do immediately to help us through some of the hard times?
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