How can we get past this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How can we get past this?
6
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 4:34pm
My husband and I have been married a little over a year now. We've been together almost 6 years. We have prided ourselves at having a wonderful relationship. Even though we've been together almost 6 years, we still act as though we just met each other a month ago. We communicate, barely ever fight, have weekly "dates", laugh together, say "I love you" several times per day, we have a good sex life, and we are absolute best friends. I seriously couldn't ask for a better relationship. I feel so incredibly lucky to have a beautiful relationship! We have never once called each other names, or said anything to attack each other or intentionally be cruel/hurtful to one another. A few days ago, we got into a spat about an ongoing project (him and his brother are redoing our bathroom and it's been taking a very long time. We have a temporary bathroom set up in our basement for now. It's cold down there, and it's musty and dirty. This project was supposed to be done within a month, but it's been 6 months now and it's still not done!) Out of fusteration, I told him that this whole bathroom project was a joke and we should have just hired someone to do it, that way, we'd have it done by now. He then told me that I was a bad wife! The comment hurt me so deeply! He's never said anything like that to me before. I understand that my comment hurt him, but I don't beleive he had the right to call me a bad wife because of it. I have never been so hurt by him before. We have never said hurtful things like that to each other. He has since appologized, but I just can't get over the comment. How do I get past this, and how can I forgive him for saying that? I feel as though it will take me a long time to forgive him for saying that to me. I don't want to fight with him about it anymore, but I can't find it in myself to forgive and forget such a cruel comment. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:19pm
Try and keep perspective that it was a one time thing, probably said in anger and that in six years he has never said anything like that before. It doesnt sound like he is a verbal abuser. I have found that sometimes, the key to success in a marriage is to have a short memory and a lot of forgiveness.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:10pm
You said something out of frustration that hurt, he retaliated by saying something hurtful back, it's a simple as that. He was likely just as hurt by your "this project is a joke" comment as you were by his. I'm glad he apologized for what he said, I hope you apologized too. Obviously, throwing comments and stabs out of frustration and intending to hurt each other is not optimal in a good relationship, but you're human. The best you can both do is learn from it and steer clear of repeat performances.


Since this all happened just a few days ago, it's still very fresh to you. Time will take care of it. I promise, in a short time it won't feel like such a big deal.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:12pm

You get past it by recognizing that forgiveness is a choice, you can do it or not do it, and that forgiving something doesn't mean it's okay.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:44am

I have to chime in as a wife of almost a decade who has survived major house renovations, including a master bath, kitchen, master bedroom, powder room, foyer/hallway, garage rebuild, shed building, etc. The first wisdom I will pass on to you is that the project you do yourself *always* takes considerably longer than you think it will. Second, it will almost always disrupt your life more if you do it yourself. Third, whenever possible, hire a contractor.

By telling him that the project was a joke, you did hurt your DH. Just step back for a second and remember that he and his brother formulated a plan that they thought they could pull off in a month. Now, six months later DH is well aware that they miscalculated. You've got a temp bath in the basement that is really yucky. Please remember that it is equally yucky for your husband. He's not proud of the state of the bathroom. He's embarassed by it. He lashed out at you because you essentially kicked him in the um, manhood. He wanted to hurt your feelings because he felt betrayed.

But he apologized and he didn't mean it. He was just angry/hurt/embarassed/feeling betrayed. Please let it go.

If you want to broach the bathroom subject with him again, I would suggest that you use a mutally beneficial approach. Ask him if you can call in a contractor to finish this up because you feel guilty that he and his brother have had to spend so much time on it, because you want your DH to have more free time to do fun things, and because you know he doesn't like being in the basement either.

Be gentle. He's already wounded b/c he hasn't accomplished his task in all this time. He had the best intentions in doing the renovations and wanted to make something you would both enjoy, right?

Just be gentle and help him solve the problem. Remind him that there are benefits to calling in the pros now. It sounds like he's a bit over his head and he really needs to get his free time back and stress level down.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:46am

Well, saying you are a "bad wife" was a hurtful comment.

Jilly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 2:12am
On the subject of home repairs/remodeling, a woman I know, married 50 years once told me, "A marriage that can withstand a wallpapering project can withstand anything!". And she meant it, too!


LOL ~ !







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"