Whose rights, what rights?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Whose rights, what rights?
38
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:18am

In the middle of an argument my wife threw out the comment "I have no rights in this home!"

My question is, what rights can she be referring to? What rights does one have or should one have in a home or household? I don't consider myself an idiot but would find it difficult to enumerate what I could view as "rights" in a family.

Please supply your answers gently and without animosity, remember, I'm a man, and as such, claim ignorance as to some of the finer workings of a relationship.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:00pm
In what context was her remark made?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:31pm

Welcome to the board, Henry_8th ~


Since we don't know the dynamics of your relationship or your household, it's impossible for us to say what she's referring to and whether or not there's merit in what she said or if it was said in anger.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:43pm

Context, I'm not sure of, other than it was the parting shot in a drawn out argument. Part of the picture is that she uses expressions like "always" and "never", like "You're always doing things like that" or "You never do what I ask".

I get very upset and defensive because these comments cannot be fixed or even argued against. They are criticisms. They are attacks against my personality or my character.

If she said, "You didn't listen to me last night." I can fix it by saying, "OK, but I'm listening now". But I don't know how to reply to "You never listen to me" other than list all the times I have, in fact, listened. And, as anyone can tell you, trying to defend oneself by listing all the times one has or hasn't done something is extremely unsatisfying.

And what "rights" is she talking about? That was my question. I haven't asked her yet because I don't want to go into this argument unprepared or blindsided by things beyond my scope of responding to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:52pm

My whole point of asking the question is because we have a communication breakdown. Yes, I can ask what she means by "rights" but what she says or what she means may not be the same as what I hear.

I would appreciate, though, anyone's simple list of what can be considered as "rights" of a wife and partner in a relationship.

I consider such things as "the right to live without violence" clear and obvious and are not issues for us. We seldom even raise our voices.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:59pm

I can't be sure what rights your wife was talking about, but if I list the rights that are important to me as a mother and wife, they would be:

The right to make unilateral decisions when my husband is not available to confer with.

The right to form my own opinions and know that he will listen and give my thoughts due credit.

(The above two were especially necessary when planning our new kitchen. We did some serious negotiating on the budget, but he basically gave me free reign when choosing appliances - since I'm the cook)

The right to have input as to how my children are parented

The right to go to bed when I'm sick and know that he'll take care of the household

The right to take a night off and go out with the girls on rare occaision

When he was sole income earner, I had the right to some 'pocket money' for myself.

**I'm sure I'll think of many more, but that's just off the top of my head.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 4:13pm

The quick and easy answer is equal.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:29pm

I see what you're saying... it's like you're fighting a losing battle--and any quest for clarification will be seen as further incitement to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 6:56pm

>>the rights you both have within your marriage are to love, honor, cherish and be faithful to one another by one another. <<

I can see where you're going with this and I agree in theory.

However, the interpretation of "love, honour and cherish" can be subjective. A man may interpret this as an instruction to look after his wife...whereas the wife may view his interpretation as a parent/child relationship.

I'm more likely to use definitive descriptions such as equality (thanks 2nd_life) and respecting each other's opinions.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:53pm
A response of "but I'm listening now" doesn't do much to soothe her if she's frustrated over endless arguments that end with you not listening. Great that you're listening now, but if your history says the next time you're in an argument you're not going to listen to her again it's not resolving the issues she's talking about -- which is "you don't listen to me when we're arguing". If that's the case, a better answer is, "I see what you mean (if you do, don't lie if you don't), and yes, I need to change that." From there - right then -- sit down with her and see if you can't come up with a solution that will help you be more able to listen. If you don't agree, something like, "why do you feel I never listen?" will give her the ability to tell you why she feels that way.


It may be a matter of sitting down with her when things aren't angry and tense between you, and at a time when there is time to discuss it, and simply say, "I'm concerned that you feel that I don't listen to you and I want to fix that. Can we talk about it? Can you tell me how it seems to you?" There are some really good, therapist used and approved informational posts regarding constructive arguing in our Information and Resources section:


Ten Rules For Fair Fighting
Verbal Fencing With Someone You Love

Dos and Don'ts For Fair Fighting
Conflicts - Points to Remember

As well as an exercise lesson plan that comes from a therapist's couples group:

1. Lessons in Communication & Assertion
2. Lessons cont. - Steps to Assertion
3. Lessons cont. - Language of Assertion
4. Lessons cont. - More on Communication


5. Dialogue to Improve Your Marriage

And the book, " Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus " by Dr. John Gray has some great information on communication differences in men and women.

But if you're having as much trouble as it sounds like you may be having, a qualified couples counselor is the way to go.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 1:08am
Thank you very much for your input. I will definitely keep these in mind. I, personally don't see a problem with any of them. However, my wife will ceratinly have a different opinion. Especially on the one dealing with right to form one's own opinion. I have a tendency to express myself strongly about any and every thing, which she seesm to thinks limits her own opinions.

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