Should I tell her???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Should I tell her???
8
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:48pm
My daughter has been dating this young man for a 1 1/2 years. He is cheating on her, I have been suspious for a while, but now I am positive. Its a long complicated story. She has really stopped talking to me because of him. Should I let her learn the hard way or should I let that motherly intuition guide me? I have been torn with this for about a month now. And I have prayed about it. I have tried to give her little insights. I dont know??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:11pm

I can't even imagine that anything would be strong enough to cause a rift between my daughters and I that they would stop speaking to me, but this is your reality.


If she is already NOT speaking to you because of him, she is aware that you don't approve of him and has pledged her allegiance to him by her actions.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:26am
I agree 100% with Dirextor. Anything negative you say about him to your daughter will only have her defend him, get closer to him and farther away from you. She's apt to stay with him longer just to "prove you wrong", or so as not to let you know that she'd made a mistake. Painful as it is, I think you have to keep quiet about it. I heartily agree though, that you should touch base with her only to tell let her know that no matter what you love her and you're on her side. You'll keep the door open and make it easier for her to come back.


I'm sorry you're in this position, sorry you're on such poor terms with your daughter. I hope she comes around soon.







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"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 2:47am
I completely disagree with the responses you have received so far. Keep quiet? A cheating mate could cost your daughter her life. I know that sounds dramatic but that's reality. He could give her a deadly disease. In good conscience, I think you must take the chance that she will be angry with YOU (shes not speaking to you anyways so there is nothing to lose here) and tell her.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 6:46am

I'm going to take the middle road here and suggest that you DO tell your daughter what you know, AND in the course of doing so, make sure she knows you love her no matter what happens, no matter what she does, no matter WHAT!

I assume your daughter is fully an adult and living on her own - if she's a teen still at home, you need to be much more up front with her. In any event, since your relationship is already strained, you must work very hard at giving her this information diplomatically, and well buffered by your honest intent to promote hr best interest.

Therefore, you BEGIN by approaching her with the message of unconditional love and acceptance. You need to voice your regret that your relationship has been strained and that you want to end the conflict. In order to have her believe you, you need to accept some of the responsibility for the present state of afffairs. Only YOU know whether she is not speaking to you ONLY because of prior negative statements about the boyfriend. Include whatever you know to be part of the problem. Ultimately, say that you never meant to hurt her, only to impart information or advice that you thought would help her avoid some pain.

Before going any farther, however, you need to make absolutely sure that you are correct about the boyfriend AND that you have undeniable and verifiable proof. For instance, if you saw him with another woman, to be worth telling, you would have to have seen him in a COMPOMISING position with her - checking into a motel, kissing passionately, etc.. AND, if you do have this kind of proof, you need to be able to say exactly where and when this happened, including date and time of day, so that your daughter can "check" against her time with him. If you can't get this close to proof - keep it to yourself!

As the first 2 posters suggested, you can stop right there (and you SHOULD stop there if she doesn't seem to soften her position toward you). If this works, however, and she seems open to communicating, you can rejoice together in reestablishing openness between you. You then tell her that you have seen something that you believe she should know, but that it's up to her whether she wants to hear it - AND SAY that's because you don't want to go down the same road as before. She'll guess that it's about the boyfriend, or assume so. Take your cue from what she says. Drop it if she doesn't want to know, then promise never to bring it up again.

Lee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:55am

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=27157.1&x=y


Goddess,


You left this information out on your post on this board.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:13am
Ok, on the Ask Mr. Answerman Board you wrote: "
message #:
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:18am
Ok, on the Ask Mr. Answerman board, you wrote: "
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 7:56pm
Goddess_Wow, why don't you come clean and tell us who you are in this, what the situation really is, why you're posting and what it is you're really trying to determine?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"