Resentful and tired

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Resentful and tired
13
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:05pm
This is my first time on this board. I really need to vent. My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we have a 3yr old daughter and another on the way in June. We just bought our first house in August. Financially, we have struggled along, living pay cheque to pay cheque. My husband has always felt that he has to go work in another city to make more money, so for half of our marriage, he has been away, working in construction. In February of 2006, he made the decision to go work 8 hours away, coming home "whenever he could", making $20/hr. I had no say in this decision. Our daughter missed him immensely as did I. Finally, in May I convinced him that it wasn't working and please come work at home. In September of this year, he decided again to go work 5 1/2 hours away in another city without asking me, just telling me that this is what his buddy is doing and that he was hired too. I was furious, I said that married couples have to make this kind of important decision together. He went anyway, regardless of what I thought. He is never happy with the amount of money he gets paid, so when he hears $30/hour he jumps, even though it doesn't make much of a difference in our debt. Sure, he gets all of his expenses paid for, meals, hotel and comes home every 2 weeks, for 4 days. I have had enough. I am 8 weeks pregant and basically a single mother to a 3 year old, who again misses her father so much and doesn't understand. She is always asking "where is daddy?" Now she is starting to act out and her personality is changing. Our new house needs renovations, he never has the time to do them. It snowed A LOT the other day, I had to hire someone to come shovel the snow (my doctor has told me to take it easy). He tells me that I don't appreciate what he is doing for our family. Sure I appreciate what he is doing, but can't he find a job in our city? I don't see any difference in our bank account, and any extra money he is making just goes towards bills, no saving. He thinks the job will be done by the end of December, but I am really starting to resent his decision to do this. His father worked in another country for his entire childhood, so it is acceptable in their family. I am grateful that he wants to work and see his point of view, but my daughter and I are starting to feel that work is more important to him. I know that's not true and that he is doing this for his family. We talk on the phone everyday, but it just ends in an argument. How do I cope with his decision?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 4:35pm
I dont understand what you're proposing that you're husband should do. It sounds like the money he makes isnt enough. However it seems that your husband feels that to make even that much he needs to work out of the city. Have you found out whether there are any jobs in the city that would pay that much? If there arent then what do you propose that your husband should do? Work for lower wages? And then what happens to your family?
It seems to me, from a third party perpective that your husband is struggling to make ends meet, and you seem to be waiting for some sort of magical lottery to fall into your lap by which he can spend more time with you and your child, yet have all the bills paid, and have savings to boot.
I just dont know whether this is a feasible option or not. Have you tried to find out whether it is feasible? Have you talked to your husband about it? What does he say about it? Has he tried to make more wages working in the city?
Lastly, have you thought about working? That might let your husband relax more and spend more time with your daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 5:08pm

First of all, thanks for supporting my husband's side. FYI, I work full-time, 8 hrs/day, 5 days a week, when I get home, I care and provide for our daughter, clean, do laundry, believe me, I work. I contribute my entire paycheque to our debt.

There are so many jobs in our city that pay decent, he just doesn't bother looking. I would rather live all together, as a family, not him living and working in another city. Moving to another city would be fine but he doesn't want to do that.

My problem here is that he's there and we are here, that's my problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 7:24pm
I wasnt supporting your husband. You didnt give any of this information in your post, so I made some assumptions and asked a few questions.
Have you tried talking to your husband when you're both calm and relaxed? He's the one who can make changes, so I'd start with talking to him when you're both in a good mood. Can you please elaborate more on what's been already discussed and his reactions to your resentment? How is your relationship otherwise? How is he as a father?
I dont know if you're looking to just vent or for constructive advice, but if you want the latter it's hard to know what to say without alot of information.
I dont want to annoy you, but it would genuinely help if you gave a little more insight into your situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 8:02pm

My husband can only find work in large cities because of the profession he's in. So, we all live together where the work is.

Why does your husband object to you all moving together to another city?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 1:55am
Welcome to the board, Kittycat2006 ~


I don't blame you for being frustrated and fed up, I wouldn't think I'd feel any differently. I think you've been a little frustrated with your responses as well. I hope this doesn't just frustrate you further, but I want to clarify what you're looking for. When you say, "How do I cope with his decision?" Do you mean how do you cope until December or how do you cope with the lifestyle he's choosing? If you're asking how you cope until December, I'd say taking it one day at a time is all you can do. If you're asking about accepting his long distance jobs, I don't think it's going to be possible for you to accept living a life where he's *always* gone and you are home, a single mom for all practical purposes. You want a marriage with a husband who's there, there's no magic button to push to make you want a different life than the one you think is right.


A couple of questions, if you can stand it.


  • You said he's always been like this, so he's worked away from your home throughout your seven years of marriage? If not, when he decide working out of town was best?
  • I expect you make a decent wage and it's not financially wise for you to quit your job and move with him two or more times a year to be with him. What does surprise me though, is that you'd choose to buy a house when it seems somewhat up in the air where you'll end up or how long you'll be there.


    I agree that it's a good thing that work is important to him, but that's not what's at play here. If he were merely looking for good paying jobs, he'd look in your town too, but he doesn't; he always looks out of town. There's a reason for that, and I think getting to that reason is pretty important to resolving this. Like you've indicated, yes, work is important, but his family is important too and it seems that instead of making work and family priorities, balancing them, making compromises to what he'd prefer, he's making work his full priority - and out of town work at that. His family priorities and importance are going completely by the wayside. The fact that he'd take jobs behind your back, not telling you about them or discussing considering taking them is very disrespectful of you and of the value he gives your relationship. He didn't even put this up for discussion to help make a decision that is acceptable to both of you. Rather, he did what he wanted and totally disregarded you. I wonder if he realizes that he's teaching you how to be a single mother.....he's certainly proving to you that you can do it by yourself. He's certainly doing a lot of damage to your relationship, to his relationship with his daughter too.


    I hope you'll let me know the answers to the questions I've asked. Sorry I'm here so late today, I rarely am able to post from work during the day, and tonight I had an internet problem that took several hours to fix. I'll be checking back for your answers ~






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "You can't control the length of your life,
    but you can control the width and depth."

    ~ Author unknown

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    "Ignoring the facts
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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-22-2006
    Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:09pm

    Sorry for being defensive here, but when someone suggests that all I do is sit back and wait for the lottery to fall in my hands, I get a little offended.

    My husband has his mind already made up and talking to him about this situation only makes him be more defensive and more determined than anything. He sees my point of view but he says he is doing something that he believes is the right thing, it's a sacrifice.

    Our relationship is good, of course we bicker back and forth, but we both have the same goals in life and he is a wonderful father. He said that all he wants is for our family to be happy, but all it is making us is miserable.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-22-2006
    Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:12pm
    That's understandable, but there are quite a few options here where we live. The reason he doesn't want us to move is that the cost of living is cheaper. I have suggested all of us moving but for some reason, he is reluctant.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-22-2006
    Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:44pm

    Sorry i haven't responded earlier, my daughter has been sick and I have been busy here at work.

    I guess I am asking how to cope with everything. Right now I am overwhelmed with everything. I am feeling like my husband has abandoned our little girl, the responsibility of a house, and myself. I know that's not entirely true, but that's how it feels right now, especially now that I am pregnant again. My emotions are way up there. You are right, taking things one day at a time is all I have been doing. For example, I know he comes home every 2nd Thursday, it's what I aim for. But when he calls and says, "I am working another week" making it three weeks before he's home, it gets really depressing. That's the state of mind I am in right now. I feel my daughter's pain when he leaves, she misses him. He doesn't see her reaction. He said, "she will get used to it" well he's been gone since the beginning of September and she is still not used to him being gone. Another thing he has fired back at me during our arguments is "Find me a job there then". I don't think that would go over well with a prospecive employer. He was always talking about other companies that have said they would hire him, but of course he never followed through on it.

    Answers to your questions:

    * My husband is from another country, so he had to take small jobs where we live until my brother-in-law put in a good word for him and he was hired 10 hours away. He came to Canada in November of 2000 and left to go work in Jan /01. that lasted for three months and he came home. Then he went back again in May '01 and stayed until Dec '01. He said to me at the time that he didn't like to be apart from each other. So he found employment where we live and worked in construction with a well respected company. He never felt that they paid him enough. His trade is not recognized in our country so he would have to go back to school to be a journeyman electrician/carpenter. English isn't his first language, so he told me that he wasn't confident enough to go yet or else he feels like he has enough experience (20 yrs) that he feels like he could just challenge the exam. Anyway, until March 06, that's when he left to go work 8 hours away until May. I said to him at the time, it's really hard on us, I don't like being apart, etc. I thought we had decided that if he wants to move and work somewhere else that all of us would go. I even started applying for jobs in this city (with no luck). So when he announced in late August of this year that they were talking about this new job, I assumed that he was just talking about his buddy going.

    * Yes, I have been working with the provincial government for 9 years and it does pay well, benefits are full and the pension plan is good. It wouldn't pay off for me to quit and work for less. If we were debt free, then yes, I would be willing (and I have offered to).

    All we have ever wanted was to have a house of our own. The prices are only going up and we were tired of paying rent. He wants to renovate and make a profit.

    In my opinion, he never discussed this opportunity with me because he already knew how I felt. I have let him know that decisions like these need to be made as a couple, not indiviually. But it's like talking to a brick wall, his mind is made up and there is nothing I can say. If he comes home when he's not ready, like before, then he will be cranky and miserable (he's not violent or abusive). He just mopes around the house and I know that money is on his mind.

    He tells me that he wants to start his own business, I say great, go for it, let's get your business license. He finds a reason not to, for example, he needs to have a driver's license, (he has never had one)and says his english isn't good enough. I tell him so many times that his english is so much better than when he came here.

    He tells me that I don't support him on this, but how can I support his being away? If I say fine, go, we don't miss you - I don't win - if I say come home, we do miss you - I don't win, "I am not supporting". I can't help but feel angry at him, even when i hear what he's been up to, for example his roommate and him go eat out everynight, he can nap when he gets home from work. For me, being a parent is the most important thing in my life, I love being with my daughter, but I also love spending time together as a family.

    Thanks for listening, it feels good to get this out. I would say more, but have run out of time.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-31-2004
    Fri, 11-17-2006 - 5:46pm

    Well, nothing is going to change until he feels that he no longer needs to leave

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-08-2004
    Sat, 11-18-2006 - 12:26am
    Too bad you were offended . That wasnt my intention. I was being frank. There's always the risk that when you post on a public board like this someone or other will say something that will rub you the wrong way.
    Just FYI you can directly address me instead of implying it passive aggressively in a post to someone else.
    This is my last post to this thread, so you neednt bother writing back. The other people posting to this thread will give you good advice, but I did want to make the point that if you're THAT sensitive, then this is the wrong place to be.
    I do understand though.. with the hormones and all.

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