Is this what marriage is about?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Is this what marriage is about?
8
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:22pm

I have been married for 9 years and with my dh for 2 years prior to that. I have been unhappy with our relationship for some time now, but nothing has ever been resolved between us (he works long hours, not really big on communication, basically we're co-existing in the same house) Recently I really expressed my unhappiness and asked to go to counselling. He agreed to go without any argument (or discussion for that matter) He has really been trying very hard, is home more, helping with the kids (we have 4)

But I am finding that I'm really not attracted to him. I don't want to kiss him any more than a peck (it's just sloppy) I have sex with him, mostly because I think if I keep trying it'll get better. Now, it's not a matter of my own sex drive, because I really want to have sex, but just not with him. We've never had amazing sex, it's been decent and more recently getting worse.

I really like him, think he's great, but I am wondering if my feelings are becoming a little platonic towards him.

My question: Is it possible for me to become attracted to him again? Or once it's gone it's gone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 5:49pm

Were you ever really attracted to him?

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 7:33pm

I don't know if I was ever attracted to him all that much. I think was attracted to his safety, his love for me.

I guess I don't know if some of the sexual chemistry just naturally fizzles out or if there is something more wrong here. Is reaching this "friend" state in marriage normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 8:01pm

Welcome to








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:29pm

I have been feeling disconnected from my husband for awhile -at least a year. I have tried to talk to him about it in the past, things were good for a little while, and then we were back in the same situation

We just started going to counselling -our 2nd visit is next week. He's trying by being home more and helping around the house.

We don't do anything as a couple, everything we do revolves around the kids and house. The other day I mentioned I wanted to go see a certain movie. Later he said, do you think your parents would watch the kids this Sunday? I thought they could, and I was thinking he was going to suggest going to the movie, but he suggested painting the living room!

Part of me is separating from the situation and moving on. I am afraid I'm reaching the point of, I give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:54am
I understand how you're feeling, and that you are questioning whether the ability exists to "get it back". I don't think anybody can give you either a definite yes or no. I know over the last year you've lost a lot that you felt for your husband, beyond those loving feelings, I mean. I'm sure you've been disappointed in him, become disillusioned and have probably lost some respect for him in watching how nothing really changes despite you telling him that you're not happy. It may be that there isn't anything left, that you've lost those feelings and have come to see him in such a different light that you won't be able to see anything different.

I have a friend who has a similar experience. She's hadn't been happy for over a year, she'd repeatedly told her husband she wasn't happy, but he hadn't really taken her seriously. When she reached the point that she told him she wanted a divorce, he paid attention real fast. He was sorry, wanted another chance, became active in paying attention to the relationship. She gave it a chance, they went through counseling, but a year later she's still not happy and still doesn't want to be there. I don't expect her to stay much longer, even though her husband is not doing what she wanted and needed him to do long ago. I don't think her experience is necessarily yours, though.


Different circumstances, I know but....about two years ago my husband disclosed a gambling addiction. This was a betrayal beyond what I can express to you. He married me knowing he had a problem, knowing I was unaware and knowing I wouldn't have married him had I known. I was angry, disgusted, and more. I know these are very different circumstances from yours. What I can tell you is that for a very long time I was on the edge - stay or go. I felt nothing for him, I was going through the motions, and just barely at that. He worked hard at getting control of his addiction through treatment, he went to therapy, I went to therapy and we went to therapy together as well. What I can tell you is that it took over a year, but we again have a very good relationship, very strong, very loving, very happy. A year ago my friend and I were commiserating and contemplating leaving, I've regained, she has not. It takes time, lots of time before you can be sure of anything. A year ago I would have told you that I really doubted it would ever be back, certainly not to any acceptable level, but it is.


I think that you have to give it time before you'll really know what's permanent and what's reclaimable. Having been to just one counseling session or even just a few months of counseling, isn't enough to judge by. You've had over a year for problems to erode your relationship, if it's fixable, that erosion won't be repaired over night. It took time to get to the point that it's at, it'll take time to get back. I think there are some really positive signs that it could happen. You recognize what the issues are and are dealing with them in a positive manner (counseling). Your husband recognizes this is serious and seems committed to do the work necessary to resolve them. Besides your problems, it sounds like you've fallen into that rut that's so easy to fall into -- the rut of never doing things as a couple, just the two of you. Doing things alone together, dating, gives you time to relax and reconnect, it strengthens the bond immensely. It reminds you of why you married him in the first place. It's incredibly important and makes a huge difference. It's easy to focus on your responsibilities and it feels right to put your relationship aside while you take care of things that need to be taken care of "first". First of all, there's always something that needs to be done "first and there always will be. Secondly, nothing is more important than your relationship with each other. You may feel focusing on your home and family is more important, but if you neglect your relationship and that relationship ends, your family and home are no more. "I'm sure you were disappointed that he suggested painting, but I hope you'll tell him that you feel it's more important to spend some time together.

I would encourage you to stick it out for a good while longer while you work to resolve your issues. I would also encourage you to tell your therapist that you're concerned that your feelings may not return.

To the question you asked in the title of your post, " Is this what marriage is about?" No, it's not. If you're distancing yourself and feel yourself separating from the situation, you may be right, it may be too late. But, I'd encourage you to stick it out for a while and see what happens. I don't advocate staying in a situation where you're not going to happy, if that were the case, I'd urge you to leave, but I don't think at this point you know what might come.

I wish you the best. I wish you the happiness you deserve. I wish it could be easy.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/17/2006 2:10 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 1:34pm
Thanks, that was beautiful advice. I know it's going to take a long time to fix our problems. I guess I just needed to know if it was possible to regain my feelings for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 6:02pm

you write:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 3:02pm
I guess that's part of the problem. I don't know if I really want to save my marriage. I am really realizing that I am disconnecting myself from our relationship. We are going to therapy. I suppose I just need to work out my feelings and figure out where I stand.