Same ol' story

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Same ol' story
5
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:36pm
Well...I feel like I've been telling this story for years, but here it is again!
We've been married for just about 6 years with 1 child. This marriage is a drag, no sex, no communication, no fun, not much of anything. I feel like I am a single mother with a roommate! There is a lot of resentment between us.
Before our child, I did everything in the house - cook, clean, shop etc...something he expected of me, plus I worked a FT job and brought home a very good salary.
Now enters our child, I had to give up that nice salary to take care of our child, which is fine by me, I have no problems with that. I do, however, work PT as I need to be involved in something, plus some adult conversation is good! I work 2 days outside the home, then I have some work that I do at home. DH still expects me to do everything! He doesn't help out at all and just leaves me his dirty dished and crumbs! He is like having a teenager instead of a partner. In fact, there is no partnership here. In general, I can't stand when he is home. He has a bad attitude and doesn't like anyone. He is very negative and I think he maybe depressed. He has always been like this, I just wasn't paying attention.... He has no friends and gets mad when I want to see mine, which isn't often. He never takes me anywhere, I mean NOWHERE. I've tried doing things with him, but he is a bore, not into anything, he gets restless and wants to go home. The only thing he does is work & watch tv. Playing with our son is a big effort for him. Every weekend he asks me to go to his parents house, I think the cord is still attached! He questions my every move and acts mad when I tell him that I need to go to the store after dinner. He is very suspicious, like I'm having an affair at CVS or the supermarket. He calls when I've been gone 'too long'. I am so unhappy, I don't have a partner, he is just here. I don't know if I can continue with him, I don't have him to share my dreams or goals or our child's with, hell I don't even share my day with him!
He doesn't drink or do drugs and I don't think he would ever cheat, he just goes to work and right home, and expects the same of me. I told him that he is old-fashioned when it suits his needs! It is almost torturous being with him. He is jealous if I talk to another man (or mad) and jealous of everyone else too. He has a lot of issues. I'm not perfect, of course, but he has a big chip of his shoulder that started long before I met him, from what I can see.. Any advice is desperately needed...Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:23am
Welcome back Lileelee24, it's been a while since you've been here, three years to be exact. I'm sorry to learn you're still having problems. My husband and I just got home from an evening out, I checked in on the board before joining him for a cup of coffee and recognized you (I don't know how I do it, can't remember my PIN number, can't tell you what I had for dinner last night, but iVillage names I can remember for ever). I won't be able to reply to your post until sometime tomorrow, but I wanted to post the links to your previous posts as soon as possible so others who are able to respond sooner can have the advantage of better understanding of your situation that your previous posts provide.


You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:


Is it time to call it quits?
He made me cry on Christmas!!??


I'll be back tomorrow!







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/18/2006 1:29 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 4:13am

Hi Lileelee

before I answer you, I've got one question: Why do you stay?

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 7:56am

Thank you both, I can't believe that you dug up those old posts!! That is amazing! Shows you how some things never change.

ok....WHY do I stay??
Very good question, not easy to answer as I have thought about leaving so many times. I guess that I am just afraid. I'm afraid of being alone, even thou I feel alone. Afraid of losing the financial safety net, he doesn't actually make a ton of money, but we have no mortgage on our house, so financially we don't have a big burden. Afraid of disappointing family and just the thought of actually getting divorced. Afraid my my child, even thou I knew how I felt before we had a child.

I guess that I just thought that somehow things would get better. Somehow he would realize that he isn't much of a husband. I think that he feels like I am not much of a wife right now, but I used to keep the house white glove clean and cook much more, but I have grown tired of this, plus having a toddler and working PT, I cannot keep up with all the demands. He doesn't seem to realize that it is OK for a man to help out in the home, even if it's only 10%. For him, he would never get divorced, he is just living his life going through the motions. He would be happy if I didn't complain and just did everything and didn't bother him.
Something to do with his Dad, but I feel like he thinks it's the woman's job to do everything in the home and the man works, which is fine, dependent on the circumstances, but most marriages that know both people work together and do what they can.

Plus, the worst thing, is that I feel alone. He goes up to bed between 730-8p, which at this point is fine. He just annoys me anyway.

Hope this helps with your response. Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:07am

Only you can decide if this is fixable or if it's time to leave.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 1:13am
Your old posts showed you that in the three years since you've posted nothing has changed, eh? I'd say that's a pretty big indicator that nothing is is going to change, don't you? It's no surprise that your husband would never get a divorce, why should he? He doesn't want to do anything, and he doesn't. He doesn't have to do anything but sit, everything's done for him. Why would he want to end that? From what you've said, Lileelee, he'll be unhappy whether he's with you or someone else. Some people see things in a negative light and he's one of them. It has nothing to do with you, it's how he is.


I understand about the fear, felt the same when I left my ex-husband too. I was afraid to not have the financial security and I was afraid of being on my own. But, since like you I did everything around the house, what I felt was that being on my own with him would be the same amount of work with less stress,and I was right. And, Like Firstamendment, I also asked myself what I'd like to see upon looking back the end of my life. I knew if I stayed with my husband I would look back at a life of unhappiness. I didn't want that, I wanted to look back at my life and smile at the life I'd led. I knew unless I left my life wouldn't change, it would continue to be unhappy. Financial insecurity is temporary. You've made a good wage before, you know you can again. Any time that will be financially insecure will be temporary, not permanent, and frankly, I can't see wanting to avoid this period so much that it's worth staying for the rest of your life. You've already spent years unhappy, a few months to a year struggling financially will be worth it to have a lifetime away from an unhappy life, won't it? Besides, your husband will still have financial obligations to your child, and perhaps to you as well. I guess it seems to me that the longer you wait, the longer it will be before the hard parts are over and done with. You've already spent how many years unhappy? To me those are wasted years. How many years are you willing to waste before you regret having lost years to unhappiness that you can never get back?


Another aspect you may not be thinking about is your child. Growing up in a home where there is unhappiness is not a good way to grow up. He's growing up learning that men are negative, do nothing and are unhappy. Women do all the work and are unhappy. These are the blueprints for what relationships are supposed to be like that he has. Is this what you want for his life as an adult? Children learn what they live. In order for him to have the kind of life you want him to have, you have to live it yourself to show him, to teach him the example. The example he has now is exactly what you're living.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"