Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Is it me?
18
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:31am
My boyfriend and I both have kids from previous relationships... I have two girls (4,7) and he has three boys (5,7,13)... We have been living with each other since June. I have my kids most of the time and he has his once a week and every second weekend. Here's the thing... his ex is a real pain in the ass... she is constantly calling about stupid stuff, and it rarely is important stuff. I can understand she needs to call here but as soon as something pops in her head she's on the phone here. I have had conversations with her and it always ends up with her trying to put negative thoughts about my boyfriend in my head... Obviously, she doesn't want us together and she would love to see us break up. I have tried to take it all in stride and keep my chin up, but it is really starting to irritate me. Not only does she call, but on the weekends when the kids are here she has to pop by 3 times to bring stuff for them... we go to the boys hockey games and she sits with us or right behind me... My boyfriend and her don't get along so I know this is strictly for my benefit. I don't want to be a whiner about this, but is it me or do I have a right to roll my eyes every time she calls or shows up in my face... I've never had a relationship with somebody who had kids and an ex and all that stuff, but this is starting to cause problems for me. I have an ex and my ex has a new girl in his life, I know that she probably doesn't want me calling unless I have something that I need to talk to him about, and I don't... I don't want to mess them up, nor do I want to even talk to him unless I have to. My boyfriend is wonderful and has said I'm going to tell her to just stop calling unless its an emergency - she can leave a message for all the stupid little stuff. I told him not to do that because she'll just get back at him or me in some other little way. I can totally see her just sitting back and laughing and when she does call, it always seems to put a damper on our day... Anyways, I just want some advice if I have a right to be annoyed or do I just have to suck it up because that's what comes with a boyfriend with kids? Advice is very welcome, please be brutally honest.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 11:04am

"My boyfriend is wonderful and has said I'm going to tell her to just stop calling unless its an emergency - she can leave a message for all the stupid little stuff."


This is partially right.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 4:02pm

Thanks for your reply... great advice. You're right, we have to set the boundaries and only we can enforce them. You made me realize that my feelings are valid and that I'm not just over the top (because I was starting to wonder if it was a ME thing).

By the way, I would never, ever roll my eyes in public or in front of any of the kids... no way, no how - that is in bad taste and I would never go there.

Thanks again, much appreciated! :D

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 5:51pm

you write: " My boyfriend has said I'm going to tell her to just stop calling unless its an emergency - she can leave a message for all the stupid little stuff. I told him not to do that because she'll just get back at him or me in some other little way. "


There needs to be some

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:26pm
Since this woman is the mother of your boyfriend's children, she is going to be a part of your life as long as you are with your boyfriend. Being involved with guys who have children means being involved with their ex's.


Your boyfriend is responsible for dealing with his ex. It's not your place to tell him how to deal with her, how often she can call, what she can call about, where she can sit at games or anything else. You can choose whether you answer the phone or sit with her, but you can't dictate how your boyfriend chooses to deal with her. What you do need to realize is that if you aren't happy with how this situation is playing out, you're not happy with the way your boyfriend chooses to deal with it. Pay attention to that, because what he's choosing tells you whether you're happy with his choices, and that is his character.


Please understand I'm not saying how he's dealing with it is wrong, I'm simply saying what is tolerable and acceptable to him is not tolerable and acceptable to you, how he chooses to deal with it is not something you agree with. Over a long term relationship, this is going to be a very big problem because the two of you are not compatible in this area.


I don't understand why these calls put a damper on your day. Why would you hold onto it?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 8:50pm

It puts a damper on my day because she does it unnecessarily. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have contact with my boyfriend, of course she needs to, they have kids together, what I'm saying is that it is irritating to have her call 3-4 times over a pair of $7 gloves... I am pretty sure she knows now that she made a mistake by breaking up with my boyfriend and it isn't so easy to raise three kids on her own and she sees that we are happy together, and it probably irritates the hell out of her. I have an ex, I don't call him over stupid little things, there are things that I need to talk to him about and they are in one conversation because truly, I don't want to be in his girlfriends face as he doesn't want to be in my boyfriends face... My ex comes to skating to see our kids and my bf goes to, he will say 'hello' and stay on the other side, that seems "normal" to me, not him coming up and sitting with us. We aren't friends and neither are my bf and his ex.

I realize that this is my decision whether or not I let it bug me enough to cause us problems, I was really looking to see if other people felt the same way I do or if it was a "Me" thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:08am
It doesn't really matter if anyone else sees it as a problem or not. You don't like it and you don't think it's appropriate. You're the one who gets to decide what you like, what you deem appropriate and inappropriate. The bottom line is in finding a guy who feels the same as you do and who treats his ex as you feel is appropriate without you having to tell him to. You're looking for a guy you're compatible with, not a guy you can push into handling his business the way you think he should.


Quite frankly, IMO, if she wants to call him 100 times a day, let her; but that doesn't mean you have to answer the phone. Putting your phone on silent and screening your calls would end your involvement. If he wants to accept all those calls from her, let him. It's his situation to deal with, not yours. If he doesn't like it (and he'd probably get tired of it), he'll stop it. If he doesn't, you know he thinks it's perfectly fine and you also know this is what you'll be dealing with for as long as you're with him. If you're worried that her repeated calling will have him going back to her, if that gets him, you're better off without him.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2006
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 8:14am
umm i support my gf in anything she does.. i would never go back to x and that's not nor will never be an issue at all... we just wanted different opinions on how to deal with x's - like from people that might of been there or are in the same situation as us... we both AGREE on the calling and are here just for examples.. my gf doesnt push me into doing anything she is very supportive and WE both agree on this problem... is it wrong even though we both agree to ask for opinions on how to deal with this? like i said before my gf was kind of worried if i said something to my x that the x would say something to the kid's and my gf has a good relationship with my kids..
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:24am
buttercup99 and canadiandewd are the couple and they're both posting on this board.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:49am

Here's the thing: there is nothing any of you can do to stop your ex from saying anything she wants to your sons... whether you play along with her and not put ending the obnoxious calls to her or if you don't play along and you tell her to stop calling the house phone and to just call your cell phone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: buttercup_99
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:32am
Canadianewd, my post was to your girlfriend; I was responding to her, not you.








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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