Husband uneasy about kids
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Husband uneasy about kids
| Sat, 11-18-2006 - 1:10pm |
Hello All,
I am new to this message board thing but it seems to be wonderful. I handle problems best when I share them. But sometimes you want advice from someone on the outside looking in.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years (I am 28 by the way and my husband is 33). We have no children (2 cats) but during the past year or two I have really started to want children badly. I have talked to him about it several times but he says I am pressuring him and that sometime we will do it. Then there are other times when he says he doesn't want children at all. All lot of this stems from the fact that his parents were not there for him as a child (mental issues and poverty) and he had a lot of respondsibilty in raising his two younger siblings and he still has trouble dealing with it sometimes.
I try to tell him that we are not his parents and will be good parents and have the support of my family and both of our friends.
It has gotten so bad that sometimes I almost break into tears when my friends send me pictures of their kids because I am not sure if I will ever have that.
Any advice on how I should handle bringing up the subject again and let my husband know how I feel?
Thank You for your time.
I am new to this message board thing but it seems to be wonderful. I handle problems best when I share them. But sometimes you want advice from someone on the outside looking in.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years (I am 28 by the way and my husband is 33). We have no children (2 cats) but during the past year or two I have really started to want children badly. I have talked to him about it several times but he says I am pressuring him and that sometime we will do it. Then there are other times when he says he doesn't want children at all. All lot of this stems from the fact that his parents were not there for him as a child (mental issues and poverty) and he had a lot of respondsibilty in raising his two younger siblings and he still has trouble dealing with it sometimes.
I try to tell him that we are not his parents and will be good parents and have the support of my family and both of our friends.
It has gotten so bad that sometimes I almost break into tears when my friends send me pictures of their kids because I am not sure if I will ever have that.
Any advice on how I should handle bringing up the subject again and let my husband know how I feel?
Thank You for your time.

Just curious.....I'm assuming that the two of you would have discussed having kids before you married. You know, making sure that you are suitable for each other etc.
What was the agreement you reached back then?
Unfortunately, you can tell him all you want that his childhood experience won't enter into having a child, but that's not going to make a difference to how he feels, what he thinks or what he wants. The desire to have children (or desire for anything) isn't something you can convince someone to have. I'm sorry that you didn't hold off marriage until you were ready to deal with discussing children. The issue has obviously become a very big one. It's difficult, for sure as there is no way to compromise on whether or not you have children. And, since children need to be wanted by both parents, if one partner doesn't want children, that is the choice that has to win. This is an issue that ends many relationships and marriages. I personally know of a married couple who agreed on no kids before marriage, but years later the woman found that she wanted kids after all. Since her husband continued to not want children and her desire grew stronger and stronger, much as they cared for each other, they divorced. She moved on to find marriage with a man who did want children and he with a woman who did not. This is an issue that comes up on the board from time to time, it's never easy. Have you considered couples counseling to address the issue?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
you write: "We discussed it when we had pre marital counseling but we both weren't ready to deal with it then. So we really didn't decide anything back then. "
Having or not having children is a foundational compatibility issue that should never be ignored or put aside when the discussion of marriage is going on.