A long one... huge issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
A long one... huge issues
2
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 5:14pm

Hello,

Here's my issue, and it's a long one so bear with me. My DH and I have been married only 6 months but we've been together off and on for a total of 9 years. We've had plenty of ups and downs over the years, he has always had intimacy and trust issues, it took him about 5 years to get over his major jealousy issues, though they still linger around and comments come up in arguments, like... "call your friend", or tell your friends and family that I'm a jerk" etc. etc.

First and foremost, this jealousy and trust issue has always been in the forefront of our relationship and the funny thing is that he's never caught me cheating NOR have I EVER cheated on him! He's a very insecure individual and I'm drained of always having to try and prove that I'm not going anywhere. I've never accused him of cheating b/c there's never been any doubt in my mind about his faithfullness, and besides all of that, we're together 24/7.... he has very little friends, or what he likes to call.."associates", and I have about 4 or 5 close friends that I barely hang out with b/c I simply don't want to argue or deal with his attitude if I decide to do something without him. Don't get me wrong, he's not a baby or anything, he just has major temper/anger/attitude issues/problems and I have to constantly deal with it - it seems like anything that is not the norm for him, and in all reality the norm consists of going to work M-F, come home and watch t.v., get up and do the same thing the next day...maybe on the weekend we might go out to eat. He's antisocial, always has been so I guess I can't really complain now, but we'll sometimes hang out with his friend and her wife, but when I ask him to do something with one of my girlfriends and her husband, he doens't want to. He never wants to meet new people, he never wants to do something new. I'm getting tired of being lazy and holed up in the house and anytime I suggest something he says that I'm changing when this is how I've always been, I've always lived life and enjoyed people and new things... we just can't seem to agree on anything.

In addition to that, we've been arguing an awful lot lately about anything from what I described above, to finances, to bills, to anything. In the 9 years we've been together, we've lived together 2 other times before we were married and upon ending our relationship over the same issues, I'd asked him to move out... well, ever since then, anytime we even get into the simplest disagreement, it turns into an argument and he starts saying things that hint at the notion of him moving out like.., "I already know what's going to happen", "just let me know what's up", "dont' keep playing games", "if want me to leave, just let me know because I don't care", and I could go on and on.

The thing is that I have never hinted at wanting him to leave and for this to be over, and the last time we lived together prior to marriage was like 3 years ago...that's the LAST time I asked him to move out because we were breaking up. I tell him, why would I have married you if I wasn't going to put all of my effort into this, and I expect you to do the same. That what happened 3 years ago was just that, THREE years ago!! He just doesn't get it and I don't know how to get through his thick head that I'm not going anywhere. At the same time, I can't take his "undercover" accusations every time we get in an argument, his hinting of "call your friend" - WHAT FRIEND?!! There never has been one in the picture, he's so freaking insecure that I can and could never say the perfect thing to make him secure in this relationship. He knows some of my ex's that I've dated in the past just from school, etc. and they are the exact opposite of him, much more secure in themselves, etc. and I often wonder if he just assumes that I'm going to leave him for one of them or something. And I don't know what else to do, what do I say when he keeps threatening to leave everytime there's an argument, what do I say everytime he makes ignorant and insecure comments? I'm just sick of it, I'm tired of arguing, I'm tired of not getting along, I'm tired of being tired, and not having a life anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 6:09pm
I am surprised that you have let this continue for 9 years, and knowing all of this you still married him. Of course you're tired and drained. The man you married sounds like someone with severe severe issues. And it wont get better unless things change or you leave.
I would recommend taking him to a professional therapist ASAP. If he doesnt want to go I'd leave him. You will never be happy with this man unless he changes, and I dont think you can change him on your own without outside intervention. Sit him down and tell him you're unhappy. You think his behaviour doesnt fall within the "normal" range of adult behaviur, and that you want him to change his attitude. If he puts up a fight or doesnt acknowledge his issues and tries to blame you, I'd run.. as far as I could.
it's a situation bordering on abuse. it will steadily get worse unless you run away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 1:44am
Welcome to the board, Mrs333luv ~


I understand that you'd be frustrated -and tired - of hearing the same comment from him every time you have an argument. Did you think that when you married he would be more secure and those things would cease to be problems?


You say you've always lived life and enjoyed people and new things, and that he never wants to meet new people or do something new. You also said you're getting tired of being holed up in the house. Since you've always enjoyed people and new things, he never has and you've been together off and on for nine years, it seems like you'd be quite used to doing your own thing without him. Apparently that's changed? If so, why?


It seems to me that his response to arguments changes the subject, gets you off track, defending yourself against his suggestion of a boyfriend and leaves the subject of your argument far behind. That's a diversion tactic. It gets you off subject and keeps him from having to deal with the actual issue the argument was about. I would suggest being prepared for his diversion tactics and staying focused on the problem at hand. Either completely ignore the comments when he makes them, staying on the original subject or say, "We can talk about that later, right now we're talking about xxx." If he throws the comment out when you're not arguing, I'd say, "I'm not going to respond to such an immature statement. When you're ready to talk to me like an adult I'll be happy to listen." Then, refuse to engage further.


I don't think staying away from your friends to avoid a problem is a good sign at all, and I wonder why you have to do that now when apparently, you didn't before? Isolating yourself from your friends or moving away from them isn't healthy and isn't right. It sounds like the two of you are very different. What are the positives about your relationship?







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