Depression in marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Depression in marriage
6
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 12:41pm

I have a long story to tell, thanks in advance for reading.

My husband who I've been married to for 12 years left me in the beginning of October. He has been struggling all of his life with depression and abandonment issues from his childhood with no therapy or help. I am talking physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect, and possibly even sexual abuse. His sister is currently being treated for manic depression but is living an improved life with her husband and son. He has never shared the worst parts of his childhood with me, maybe because of shame or embarrassment, and partly because he didn't want to have to remember and deal with it. Because of this our marriage became empty and detached. I distanced myself from him because of his moods and negativity, I lost interest in sex or even having him touch me or show affection to me. It has been that way for years, we became roomates. He finally got to a place where he felt and still feels that I abandoned him too and could no longer live with me. He has finally admitted and made an appointment to see a psychologist and hopefully get medication as well. He knows that there is something broken inside of him and he says that until he fixes himself he cannot work on us although he loves me. He says that he will never love anyone the way he loves me but he's just not sure that he can ever be with me again as husband and wife because he feels that I let him down by turning myself off to him. I accept full responsibilty for my part in all this but I know in my heart that we had something special once and if we work really hard we can get to that place again or at least try 100% before giving up. He says that he is not sure he can be "fixed" and that sometimes he feels that me and our children would be better off if we moved on with our lives.

My question to all of you is, am I wrong for wanting to do everything that I can to put my marriage and our life back together? Is it possible that once he gets to a place where he feels better about what's going on inside him that he'll be able to work on us? I don't know a lot about depression and those feelings of despair and hopelessness. I know, without a doubt, that he loves me, and that I love him, but I am just not sure if there is hope for us when he can not get past his past, not only with me but with his childhood. Will he ever be able to forgive me for letting him down and believe that I truly want to try to change things for the better? Should I seek counseling on my own? I am feeling very overwhelmed right now. My nerves are on overdrive and I just feel like I have absolutely no power in trying to change things. I have told him that I am proud of him for getting the help he needs and that I'm not giving up on him, even if he's given up on himself. I am just wondering if I am setting myself up for another heartbreak and, how long do I give this 100% of me? And, when do you just walk away?

Thanks for listening...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 1:29pm
Welcome to the board, Knibrn ~


It's great that your husband has decided to seek help, it's clear that he needs it. The work he'll need to do to resolve his childhood issues will be very intense and take a long time, and, like you already know, there's no guarantee whether he'll make drastic improvement, just as there's no guarantee that he'll make any improvement at all. In therapy, there's such a thing as "the best that can be achieved".


I want you to know that the way you reacted to your husband wasn't wrong, please don't beat yourself up for it or ask his forgiveness. You are human and reacted in a very human way to a situation that was dysfunctional and did not give you the kind of interaction that would allow you to stay involved and caring. Your reaction was based on his behavior and was normal and understandable. Quite honestly, if you'd continued to behave towards him as though he were an appropriate, caring partner, it would indicate you have some pretty serious emotional or personality issues yourself. I can understand him feeling abandoned "again", but his behavior is the reason for the "abandonment". His behavior was due to his issues, your behavior was a normal reaction to his behavior. Asking his forgiveness indicates you are to blame and he is the victim. That is not the case.


Deciding when to walk away is individual, you call it quits when it is right for you, whether based on an emotional feeling or logic. You may decide that it's not worth the amount of years you'll have to wait to see if he achieves results from his therapy, you may decide too much has gone before to be able to have a happy, healthy relationship with him, it's impossible to say what might or might not come up. And of course, he may choose to end it himself, which is something you'd have to accept.

I think seeing a therapist/counselor on your own is an excellent idea. You've spent years in a dysfunctional relationship and that absolutely causes problems and issues within yourself. You're at a point now that you're stressed, confused and conflicted, seeing a professional who can help you deal with and process your situation will help you immensely. You should be spending some time taking a look at this situation with a professional, for sure.

Personally, I don't think giving it 100% is appropriate at this time. I think taking care of yourself and your feelings is pretty darned important and you can't if you're pouring everything into an iffy situation. Keep the door opened and take care of yourself, you deserve it. You've done nothing wrong and are not the cause of this situation. Huge hugs, Knibrn.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 1:34pm
I forgot to post the link to another iVillage board that may be helpful to you:


Families & Mental Illness







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 2:02pm

Thank you for your support and words of encouragement, I really needed that! I just love him so much and feel like I failed him when he needed me most, and now our family is broken. Why couldn't I have forced him to get counseling instead of shutting down? I keep kicking myself for that. But, you are right, I need to take care of me and my children, I am the stable one they have right now. I am going to try to make a counseling appt. tomorrow and hopefully after speaking to someone I will begin to feel better. My heart is broken right now and I just don't see a way out of it, but I know that time work miracles.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 2:33pm
Even with counseling I doubt you would have been able to continue in a manner other than the one you did, at that point, IMO counseling would have done damage control, not healed anything; you can't behave normally in a dysfunctional, harmful situation and the situation you describe was definitely harmful, hurtful and dysfunctional.


Time doesn't work miracles, but hard work can. Please remember that it's up to him to do the hard work here, without him doing hard work to get through his issues, and taking medication, if prescribed, nothing will change. This isn't on your shoulders, it's on his.


I'm glad you've made the decision to start seeing a therapist, it will be the best thing for you. Taking care of yourself and your children should be your priority, and getting some help for yourself is doing just that, taking care of your family. Have you considered having your children see a child therapist? If they've lived with a depressed, dysfunctional father, they'll need help processing their environment too.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 3:39pm

You are right. I just had a long, emotional talk with my mom and she said much of the same things. I need to let go of the guilt that I feel. It's just so hard when you feel inside that you may have been able to do something to prevent the mess that you are in. But, I have to believe that everything happens for a reason and hopefully, on the other side of this, I will be a stronger person for having gone through this, whether I am with him or not. And, my kids have to be my top priority because if I fail them that guilt would be too hard to bear. Hopefully a counselor will be able to help me see my way through this and make the steps more bearable. I have never been to counseling before and don't know quite what to expect, any insight?

Thank you again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:31am
Sorry, I was out for the afternoon and just got back to the board. Here's a link that should answer your questions:


What to Expect in Your 1st Therapy Appt.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"