Confused and needs advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Confused and needs advice.
5
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 3:44pm

I've known the man who has become my boyfriend for a year. We haven't been dating that long but like I've said we've known each other for a year before we went out. I'm having trouble already because I really like this guy. He's sweet, very loving, and is super funny and easy to get along with. The problem is that we never go out together like we used to. We went out or saw each other when we could but now it seems like we only see each other if we're lucky. We work in the same building but he works on another floor so I dont see him until he leaves. If I have lunch at the time he leaves I'll walk with him to the train station and we'll hang out for a few then he'll go and get on the train. On the weekends I pretty much don't have anything to do and usually he does. During the week we both go to school from monday to thursday and friday we're off from school but we work. Saturday is the same. But I work til 6 on Friday's and til 5 on Saturday.

Anyway, the point is we don't see each other because I feel he's not making that much of an effort to do so like before. I've been to him house to see him more than once and he's come to see me at my house twice. I made my schedule to where I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off for a reason. I'm only 21. He's 20 and he's always on the run. Going to school straight from work and hanging out with his cousins or having something to do for someone in his family. He's always stressed out becuase he always has something to do but won't slow down and do nuthing. Part of the reason we don't see each other is because he's always with his cousins. Ppl he can see at anytime because they live in the Bronx but he always has to be with them. Now I live in Brooklyn and that's a two hour ride on the train from place to place and I know that. But I'm not askin him to come to my house and see me all the time. I'm always sayin' lets go out to the movies or out to eat or something but he always has something to do. We make plans to go somewhere and things always happen to get in the way of our plans. He says he wants to be able to go out with me and all that when he has time to but it seems he never does. So wat should I do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 4:11pm

Welcome back Sweetness0423 ~ Of course I recognized you as soon as I peeked in on the board. I'm heading out the door and won't be able to get to your post for a bit yet, but I wanted to provide the link to your previous post as soon as I could so that others who might be able to get to your post before I do can get a better feel for your situation and history and as a result be better able to offer thoughts and suggestions that fit your actual situation and can be more helpful to you.

You might read through your old posts too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:

I'm confused...need some help!!

***Edited to fix a non-working link***







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/19/2006 11:36 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 6:47pm

you write: "So wat should I do??"


You need to accept him as he is, not as who you'd like for him to be because he can only be who he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:47am
This guy is being very clear, Sweetness. Yes, he's busy, but he has free time and he chooses to do things other than see you when he has that free time. Like you said, you're running around, making an effort to see him, but he's not making any effort at all. I think you know what to do, but you don't want to do it. I know that you care about him, and that makes it hard. Unfortunately, the fact that you care about him doesn't change this, it doesn't make him any more attentive to you. You need to stop spending your lunch hour walking him to the train and start spending it relaxing with lunch, perhaps with a colleague or two. You need to start spending your weekends and evenings with friends and activities. Don't have any? Get some! Get friendly with people at work that seem to be people you'd like to get to know, join a gym, a club, volunteer, take a class, do something! If/when he calls and wants to go out, great, if you're not already booked (and don't you dare cancel plans because he called), but if you already had plans you need to tell him that you have plans and can't go. He'll need to see that you have a life too and aren't sitting waiting for him. If he doesn't call, you'll know that finding new things to keep you busy was the best move you could have made in making moving on a faster and easier process.


Is this the same guy you posted about before?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:22am

No this isn't the same one. He's new. We have so much in common and I thought that would be/make a difference. We love the samethings. This morning he called me to see how I was doing and what I was doing. He can be considerate sometimes but fact still remains he has time when he has time. I'm already friendly with all of my coworkers. There's a girl that came into the job at the same time I did and we've been friends ever since then. We share a locker and we are pretty much good friends. We go out together all the time. Just that when he makes a plan for us to go somewhere he ends up breaking it becuz something comes up. Other than me going out with him or the lack there of, me and her hangout. Whether it's shopping, going to Grand Central Station to get cheesecake from Junior's, or to the movies. I don't spend every waking moment eating breathing and sleeping Terance. (that's his name forgot to mention that) But I'm going to take what u said into consideration though. If he really wanted to spend his free time with me...even though he has said if he had free time he would spend it with me anyway....he would.

It is hard to just turn my feelings for him off becuz I really like him. He likes everything that I like and vice versa. But I don't want to be in a relationship by myself. I've had that happen to me before where a guy I was dating had the impression that I was just there for sex and I let him go when I realized that. It wasn't as hard as this is though. My feelings run deep for Terance but I shouldn't feel like I'm in it by myself.

Thanx and keep in touch,

Sweetness

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:44pm
Sweetness, I'm glad you're active and involved with things and aren't just sitting around waiting for him to call. Keep it up! And start using your lunch hour for you - relaxing and your lunch, not following him to the train like a puppy!


I do understand that you can't turn your feelings off, and I'm not suggesting you should. What I'm suggesting is that keep in mind that relationships take equal work from both parties to work. You're putting in all the work and effort here. That's not a working relationship, that's you doing everything you can to keep things afloat and really, if you have to do everything to keep it going is it really the relationship you want? I understand that you guys have everything in common, and if he was as interested in keeping your relationship going, that would be perfect, but since he's not, your compatibility really doesn't matter; he'd have to be invested and interest for it to come into play.


Making plans then canceling is rude, inconsiderate and unacceptable. Once is understandable, but more often, and in light of his attention? Not acceptable. Have you talked to him about that? Have you talked to him about any of this? I hate to say this, but I have to wonder if he isn't trying to let you down easy and have you get tired of his non-attentiveness and be the one to break up with him. Or, he could be a guy who wants to have a girl on the shelf so he can be able to do what he wants. However you slice it, Sweetness, whether he's trying to get you to end it, is not any interested in a relationship right now or he keeps all relationships low priority, the fact is, this isn't acceptable for a relationship. It's not what you want, I can't imagine it being what anyone would want.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"