Question of Morals

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2001
Question of Morals
9
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 6:55pm

First-Should you be obligated to share every last little detail with your spouse or SO?

Second-How would you feel if your spouse or SO read your journal, personal blog, etc. behind your back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:01am

Rach, I've got nothing to hide, so having my husband read anything I've written would not be a problem. I leave my email program open all the time anyway, so we're really talking an open book here. We also regularly open each other's mail.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:39am
We are all entitled to privacy, married or not. Journals, email accounts, etc. should not be browsed by anyone other than the owner without their permission. At the same time, if you don't want your email viewed, you should take care to close it when away from the computer.

If you're posting an online blog, you have to be aware that anyone might be viewing it, likewise, things like online boards. For instance, I occasionally talk about my husband on this board, I know that he doesn't read the board, but I also know he could at any time. If I've said something here about him that should remain private, and he reads it, that's my fault, and my responsibility as I knew the possibility exists. If my husband were to read my journal (if I kept one), I would feel very violated.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2001
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 10:03am

Thanks for the responses. I finally came out of lurkerdom. ;-) I have always kept journals since I was sixteen. A doctor told me I should to help with depression issues and anxiety. I have several and my mom used to snoop and read them and I would find out from one of my sisters. Now my husband is reading them. So I tore up all the pages of my latest journal and through them out and I actually don't have any online blogs I just write on here. So, I guess he could read these things if he really wanted to. I'm not going to keep a journal anymore. I can't have my trust betrayed again.

Thanks,
Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:07am

Share every detail? ABsolutely not! SO reading your journal without permission? A deal breaker!

Each of us MUST have a life that is ours, and not necessary to share. And anyone who snoops should have more than their hand slapped.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:14am

Rachel,


Rather than just not keeping a journal anymore, you should be questioning your boyfriend about why he read them in the first place.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:41pm

NO FLIPPIN' WAY!

Sorry, I'll quit yelling....that was for your husband, not for you, by the way.

I'm a lurker too, by the way, but I had to de-lurk for this one.

Can I just tell you a story? I don't know if it'll help or not, but at least you'll know you're not alone and that you can get over it. My first husband was a grade A number one jerk. He quit his job to become a millionaire real estate agent and then didn't work at all for two years. I had to support us and we got more and more in debt. His family hated me for wanting him to get a job and he took their side. I got more and more depressed as time went on. At the advice of my therapist, I kept a journal. I was on med for depression, and he called me mentally ill because of it. Finally, after two years, I knew it was him or me, so I kicked him out. It was only then that he decided he would go to counselling with me.

At the first meeting, he walked in with a huge stack of papers. What was it? Photo copies of my journals. It seemed that he wanted the counselor to know what a messed up, mentally ill person he had been dealing with all of this time. Of course, the counselor didn't go for it, but that was the last straw for me. I kicked his butt to the curb and never looked back.

Now, I'm not saying you should do that, but I AM saying that your inner self has been violated. You need to talk to your DH and make it clear that he crossed a boundary that isn't to be crossed again.

I'm telling you, I'm now in a great relationship, and it took me a long time to keep a journal again, but I do. If there is something I don't want him to see, though, I type it on a disk on the computer and I password protect that sucker! Don't stop the journalling, it can really help you!

Hang in there honey! We're with you!

Pam.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 6:51pm

Rachael -

I had to post because you did get a response that says that it is somehow okay for someone to violate the privacy of your journal. I really hope you re-consider and start one again, but find a way to make sure no one ever reads it but you (a small locking safe for example).

The same reasons you started one long ago, still apply today (and maybe even more so if you've been keeping one for a long time).

The privacy that is to be expected with a journal is in no way the same as email. The fact you keep one and expect privacy is in no way an indication that you have anything to hide and I was shocked and appalled that anyone would imply otherwise.

Henry8th and others replied to let you know that it is not considered okay by most (a dealbreaker for many). You are entitled to a level of privacy, whether you are married or have a SO. Most people would understand, without ever having to be told, that it is never okay to read your journal without an invitation. There may be differing points of view when it comes to reading/having access to each others emails - so it would be benificial to discuss this to come to common ground on that, but reading someone's own private thoughts being a HUGE violation of privacy is just plain common sense. I guarantee he knew it was a violation of your privacy when he did that.

You asked about a personal blog and I don't know that that is the same as a journal. So, I don't know if that is an obvious violation of your privacy or not. I don't know if there is an expectation of privacy with that that is as obvious as a journal. If it was some type of on-line private journal, than I'd say it is the same as a book journal.

If you have to get rid of one of the two; I'd go with the SO and not the journal. If yours serves you the way mine does me, please do not give it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:23pm
Rachel, I wouldn't give up up journaling, not for a snoopy spouse or anyone else. The means you use to express yourself and vent are too important to your mental health to let anyone take from you. Instead, I would encourage you to go to a hardware store and pick up a heavy-duty (but small) tool box along with a padlock (combination style, that will keep from there being any question of him sneaking the key). Keep your journal locked up where you know he can't get at it. Don't let him take away your means of expression. Just find a fool-proof way of keeping your privacy.

Glad you came out of lurkdom! : )







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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Edited 11/20/2006 11:52 pm ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:25pm
Kim, it's not her boyfriend, it's her husband.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"