Why am I doing this?
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| Sun, 11-19-2006 - 7:16pm |
I am plainly and simply unhappy in my marriage. I'll start off by saying I truly never thought I would get married because I never thought I was the marrying type. But, here I am two years later with an almost two year old child. I love my daughter so much!! She is truly the light of my life and keeps me going everyday.
My DH is and always has been the same. In my opinion he is critical, judgemental, and mostly boring. I'm 28 so my partying days are over (and I'm glad) but I still want to laugh and have fun and feel alive. He mostly acts like he's 80 at the ripe ol' age of 30. He worries contantly about our finances even though he has a very sizable savings and he worries I'll cheat on him even though I never have and never would. He's so insecure about everything in life. I can't take his negativity sometimes. So I write in a journal, or on Ivillage. I wrote in a post below about my DH reading my journal. It's the only place I have to write about my true deep down feelings and he betrayed my trust by reading it. I'm so hurt by this. He said he's sorry but he couldn't figure out a way to talk to me. C'mon, how about coming up to me and talking to me. I always tell him I'm available for conversation and I want him to communicate more with me.
Furthermore, he works a lot and doesn't spend a lot of time with our daughter. So, I'm sad for her too. Why do I keep staying in a marriage when I'm no longer in love with him? I feel bad that he'd be lonely if I left because he always tells me this.
Thanks for all advice!
Rachel

Question of Morals
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I have a few questions that I need answers to before I can offer thoughts or advice, if you could:
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
"You said your husband is is critical, judgmental, mostly boring, worries you'll cheat on him, is insecure and negative. Has he always been like this (if some of these are new things, please let us know which are new and which have always been issues)? If so, why did you marry him?"
He's always been like this since we met 6 years ago. I was a party animal and he was quiet, reserved, and responsible. We happened to meet at a club (maybe he was trying to let his wild side out). I don't know, he just wasn't the club type it seemed. He's mostly negative and judgemental about other people (my family, friends, people in the drive-thru). He has been even more judgemental since he got crappy hours at work and wants to find another job but hasn't had any luck yet. He's been at the same job for 12 years. Everyone around him is finding new jobs, the company is just not showing thier appreciation. We also found out he had Leukemia in 04', just 4 months into our marriage and my pregnancy. We got pregnant one month after we got married. I stayed off and on with him for days in the hospital for 8 months. I hardly saw my family, friends, and I was pregnant and depressed. But, he needed me and so I was there constantly.
The part of it all is we were having major relationship problems right as he discovered he had Leukemia. All the problems took a break so we could care for him and get through my pregnancy and then I got caught up in taking care of a newborn. The problems are all resurfacing again. I feel like our love for each other has slowly been slipping away for the last two years. I am now a SAHM and feel like I have no control because I don't earn a paycheck. I've always worked hard, went to school, and didn everything for everyone. I do want to go back to work when my daughter is about 3 (she's almost 2 now) but she's still breastfeeding.
Also, I feel like he's always so concerned with how is mother feels about stuff but doesn't care how I feel. She pushed me through the wedding preparations, stayed with me in the hospital when I had my baby when I didn't want her to and wants to babysit every weekend. Her demands are too much for me sometimes. But we live literally 10 minutes from his parents. She also wants us over for dinner every Sunday. I guess I just feel smothered sometimes. At least she admitted to me he was very tight with his money. Not because I'm a golddigger (I'm not) ;-) But, because she said she knew he was that way and didn't know why.
So, it just feels like the opposites that attracted us to another have now made us too opposite. Sometimes I just can't stand to be around him. I strive to stay trim and fit and eat right. He's 30lbs overweight, eats terribly, and hardly exercises. Plus he smokes on occasion but always outside. I feel like I'm losing my positive vibes. I want to see a pastor to talk about our problems, but he acts like he never has time.
Thanks again!
Rachel
Some thoughts:
It sounds like you have a lot of issues yourself, around working, getting out (you didn't say it, but it seems pretty likely) and generally feeling smothered. I wonder if your marriage issues would not be so intense if you had more time to yourself (no husband or child), more freedoms, had a job (even part time to start if necessary); you could pump breast milk in advance and freeze it to be fed to her later - I have a friend who gets a call from her daycare when her baby is hungry, she goes to the daycare to breastfeed, then comes back to work. Being cooped up in the house, doing childcare night and day will suck the life out of you. Been there, done that. You begin to feel that you've lost yourself and are nothing but a servant to others. Not a good place to be. Please know I'm not suggesting you don't love your daughter and don't love caring for her, but we all need time to ourselves on a regular basis. And the right amount of time we need is completely individual. What do you think?
Since your husband has made it clear that he's concerned/interested in communicating with you (I assume that's what he meant rather than looking to see if you were cheating -- please tell me if I'm wrong), have you tried to instigate a discussion about your problems with him?
I don't know your religious level at all, so please forgive me if I offend you with what I'm going to say, it's not meant as a slam. IMO religious figures are not good sources for help with problems other than religious based ones. For one thing, many priests, pastors, etc., are focused only on following the letter of the bible, not what is best for individuals themselves. Not only that, but pastors and priests are pastors and priests because that is what their calling was, their interest was, it's what they wanted to do. In seminary they have courses on counseling, but the majority of their study is on religion. Therapists are therapists because that was their calling was, their interest was, what they wanted to do. Their courses were focused on counseling. Priests/pastors counsel because it's part of their job, that doesn't mean they like it or they're good at it. Therapists have to maintain a certain number of continuing education hours to keep their license valid. That means they're continuing to learn current thinking methods and advancements in counseling and therapy. Unless you feel compelled to work on this with your priest, I would urge you to see a counselor/therapist to work on this. It's where you'll get individual, focused, professional help with the serious issues you're dealing with. Your therapist will help you find what's right for you, based on you.
I don't know about other issues your husband may have, but his suspicion is as issue that he needs to resolve. It has nothing to do with you, it's based either in previous relationships or childhood. Either way, it's his to resolve, you have no part in it. It's possible he has other issues that need to be resolved in order to have a healthy, functioning relationship too. Has he sought therapy? Is he happy/satisfied with his behavior?
I know I've thrown a lot out there, what do you think?
~ cl-2nd_life"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"