Should I stay or should I go

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Should I stay or should I go
10
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:04pm
My new husband doesn't want to work. He has a great job that he doesn't like, he was laid off and now that it's time to go back he's making all the excuses he can to not go. I've made it clear that I am worried about bills and with Christmas coming we will need money. He didn't go in today. He calls me and tells me there's a job lead (but it's the same job as the one he has, the one he's tired of doing). I told him he needs to go into the job he has now and then look for another job he will like. He doesn't want to do that. Then he brings up how we were broke when we first moved in together. I was in school and worked 12 hours a week. Not much I know but I was still bringing in money. Unfortunately I had to drop out of school because there was no money to pay for it. He keeps throwing that in my face. Now I'm working a great job with excellent pay, and he doesn't want to work. We have plans to buy a house and we can't do that if he's not working. When he left his last work it was because he didn't like the politics or the environment. I had to find this job for him and he loved it at first and now he doesn't like the people and he doesn't like the job so he's not going to go. I don't know what to do, he keeps running from the same problems at each of these places. Problems that are everywhere you go. I don't know what to do, I love him but I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to work. I have plans and dreams and I can't acheive any of them if he's not working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:16pm

How long have the two of you been married?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 12:31pm
We have been together for 7 years and got married two weeks ago. I am 25 he is 32. I didn't say too much when he did this with his last job, I thought he would work it out on his own. When I did say something he said he needed help finding one, he couldn't do it on his own. I had to find one for him. (When he was younger everytime he needed a job his mother would find him one.) If I did nothing about the situation then it will stay the same. When I bring up the situation he just yells and makes excuses, now that I'm calling on his excuses he just brings up the time when I was in school. I keep telling him to go to this job and look for another, he actually told me "That means I would have to take time off work for the interview." I told him if he can call in sick because he doesn't feel like going in, he can call in sick for an interview. He gives me lame excuses like this everytime I bring it up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:37pm
Well it sounds like there is a long-standing pattern going on here -- and one that isn't likely to change.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:08pm
When he says he can't do it it's because he's not that familiar with the internet, and our hometown paper job listings aren't very good. I've told him he doesn't need the internet to find a job, I've told him to pound the pavement to find one. (Things I've done myself to find jobs). He thinks he won't find a decent job that way. Then I found this job he has now for him online. He was going and liked the job and people, now that's just not the case.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 2:15pm

It seems like he's using every available excuse to not take responsibility.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:01pm
Sometimes I do feel like I'm acting as his mother. Sometimes we can be sitting around and he does something and I ask "Let me guess, you weren't made to finish your meals?, or you doing all your homework on Sunday night was a regular thing?" I was right on both counts. Whenever he needed a job, his mother would be the one asking around and all he would have to do is show up for the interview. She is a good mother but I think that when she did things like this he didn't learn valuable life lessons, I feel like I'm the one stuck teaching him these things. I've said things like "You're 32 not 23, start acting like it." or I married a man, not a little boy." Sometimes it works, but I feel that because he's been able to run from bad situations and his mother bail him out of them all the time, he thinks I will do the same. Which I won't, we are supposed to be raising our own children (when we have them) I'm not raising a husband too. He told me I should be supporting his desicion about his job. I told him I wasn't, I told him life isn't always about what you want to do, sometimes it's about doing what you have to, and this is one of those times so deal with it. He says he'll go to work and look for a job (we've been on this subject all day) at the same time. I hope he does, because I have dreams and life plans to fulfill, getting divorced is not one of them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:28pm
The only way you can change this dynamic is by changing your own behavior.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 2:05am
Countrygoddess, I'm just going to be blunt here. There are several things that are pretty serious indicators of big problems. You're 25 and have been with him since you were 18. That means you've never really had any experience of an adult relationship except him, nothing to compare to, and due to your age, you may well have more changes coming that will make him look less like the right guy for you than he does now. I'm certain you're not the same person you were when you were 18, I'll bet you've changed a lot. It's pretty rare for the guy who was right for us at 18 to be the guy who's right for us at 28. The changes that come with the natural maturation process all but guarantee that to be the case. That being said, you seem to be very sure of yourself, very clear on what you want and what you know to be appropriate. You sound very wise and clear.


Like Kim has said, from what you describe, this is a pattern with him. It seems pretty clear that he simply doesn't want to work. He isn't motivated to look for work, looks for excuses that a job isn't good or right, he doesn't go about his approach to employment in a responsible manner at all. As you said, the responsible thing to do is stay with the job you have until you find something else. Quitting or staying off a job because you don't like it isn't reasonable or responsible. And this is a 33-year old man, not a kid. Countrygoddess, this is who he is, this is how he's going to be for the rest of his life. If he was motivated or responsible he'd have shown it by now. Instead, he has no problem avoiding work. The arguing and reminders about the days you were not full time employed are diversion tactics, designed to get the focus off him and the subject and onto something else. He yells to get you to stop talking about it. He reminds you about your 12-hour a week days because you put the focus onto defending your reasons for not working more and off his employment. Fact is, he doesn't want to work.


The statement you made about not raising him and kids is exactly what I used to say about my ex-husband. My daughter has a friend who's father has basically never worked. Why? Because he doesn't want to. He calls himself a photographer of motorcycle races. The race season in our area is summer to early fall. How much money can you make going to races every weekend and taking pictures to sell to the racers (assuming they're interested) you might wonder? Not much. He has a wife and four daughters. Two are grown and gone, two are still at home. They live in a tiny two bedroom rental home. Their kids are on the free breakfast and lunch program at school due to their low income and get free eye glasses through the state. Their car is old and in need of repair but they can't afford to fix it. they rely on family and their church to help them out. My daughter's friend broke her finger but they couldn't afford to take her to the doctor to have it attended to properly. They live in poverty because he doesn't want to work. He has plenty of money to purchase motorcycles; their garage is literally stuffed with motorcycles and motorcycle parts, but the family has no money for their basic needs. This man is in his 50s. His wife has begged, yelled, etc. all the years of their marriage for him to get a job. His extended family looks down on him, his wife despises him. She's embarrassed and ashamed of her situation. My point is, if at 33 your husband is avoiding working and sees that as acceptable it's almost certain that he'll continue to be exactly that way. You know you want things, you know you want to build a future, you have plans, goals and expectations of your life that are appropriate and normal. You won't have those things with him, at least, if you have them, you'll have them because you achieved them on your own, while supporting him, not with his help or through his own efforts. If you're thinking you should end this marriage, I'd say you're right.

Read:

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~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 4:22pm

what made you marry him in the first place if he's this irresponsible?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 9:29pm

kimbirdy has hit the nail on the head with her advice. The guy is just acting like a big kid and expects you to run around like his mother did.

He seems to have every excuse in the book. And using them does work to some degree. You become confused and take time trying to figure out what he is talking about and then take time to provide an answer or solution for the "problem" that he thinks that he has. These problems that he has aren't problems at all. They're just something that he uses so that he can side-step the real issue.

And of course, dragging out your school days is purely a defensive technique. It's not a logical or rational defense for HIS actions NOW but it does put you on the off-foot.

If it was me, I think that I'd sit him down and just tell him straight - I'd tell him that we are two intelligent adults that want to make a life together and in the future we want to have a home, a comfortable lifestyle, well educated and healthy children, and a comfortable retirement. To achieve this we both need to work and use our combined income. Therefore it is important to me, and us, and our future, that you are working and have a good income. We cannot achieve what we want to achieve if you do not work.

You are a grown-up and you are an adult. It's time to stop making sad excuses and giving pathetic reasons for not wanting to find a job. Stop moaning and get out there and find a job. How do you think everyone-else in the world finds work? They have to go out there and get the jobs that they want and put up with the ones that they don't like until they find a new one.

I wouldn't pull too many punches with him. The stuff that he is complaining about is just simple day-to-day stuff. Everyone knows if you don't like the job you're in you have to look for another one and you probably won't have the luxury of enough money behind you to just "quit".

I would also tell him that if he chooses to quit then he will not be getting spending money from me. All my money will be spent on the basic utility bills. If he wants money for discretionary spending like clothing, cellphones, entertainment or beer, then he can find another job.