Confused-understanding spouse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Confused-understanding spouse
3
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 5:43pm

Hello,

I would appreciate any help /advise from anyone who cna help. I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. IT was an arranged marriage... and we have one son. We know we are not the perfect couple but we have learnt to like each other or so I thought....
My spouse started talking to not one but several women on chat rooms back in 2001. I raised a fit about it and left for three months. He promsied to stop and gave me the impression at least for a while. He is a genuine caring person when he is sober but he does get drunk quite often. He also seems to be sad ..(Due to this) mostof the time. I just discovered two months ago that he has still been doing this. (Chatting) He says it was just chatting and he has never met or had any sexual reltionship with anyone which I can believe and want to believe. He also tried kissing the maid who I had for cleaning one of these days and she called me.

I actually could open up the messages he sent and it was jsut junk. No one sane would reply to these messages I think or am I to naive. I have confronted him again and he has promised never ot do any of this. How can I trust him. I also want to find out if he had any sexual reltionships with anyone. Is there anyway I cna find out??

I confronted him and told him he could leave if he has another women in mind , but he breaks out saying he loves me and does not have anyone else, THe email chat are a way of feeling better ....when he is drunk, I think. His messages to these women say he is married and he loves his wife but there is nothing more. My problem here is huge as I have gone out of my way to give him oral sex and do whatever he needs whenever he wants. I would love to speak to a therapist in MN if you know a good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 2:49am
Welcome to the board, Krisesk ~


Your husband is almost certainly an alcoholic. Alcohol is a depressant and can make you sad, not only while you drink but long after as well. Being attentive, giving him oral sex, etc. isn't going to make a difference; you aren't the problem and you aren't the solution, nor are you any part of the solution. He needs to address his alcohol problem before anything is going to change for him. If it's determined that he has a depression problem separate from his alcohol problem, he'll need to be willing to address that as well. Again, this is something that you won't be able to make a difference with, he's the only one who's responsible for his feelings and he's the only one who can do anything to change it.


His depression and his drinking are not excuse for online chatting. Drinking may make it easier for him to be unfaithful, but it doesn't cause it. Millions of people drink yet remain faithful while they are drinking. Drinking will, however, make the unfaithful more apt to be unfaithful. You've already made it clear to him that online chatting with women is not tolerable. I'm sure he would not accept you chatting online with men. Whether he's had actual sexual experiences with any of these women or not is beside the point. You know he's made inappropriate advances towards another woman, your maid, that clearly tells you he can and will be unfaithful. He may love you and not have anyone else, but that isn't stopping him from doing what he's doing, is it? Loving you, or anyone else, is not enough. He's responsible for his actions and is making the choices he's making.


How can you trust him? You can't, he's proven that. He's made promises before and hasn't followed through, to trust him would be unwise, if it were something you could make yourself do. Trust isn't like that. Trust has to be earned and he'll have to prove that he's worthy of trust. Right now what you know is that he is not. You'll have to see him making changes and keeping his actions open so that you can observe everything he does before you can begin to trust him.


Seeing a therapist is a great thing for you to do. Here are some articles that will help you find a good therapist:

REFERRALS FOR A QUALIFIED THERAPIST
YOUR THERAPIST/COUNSELOR'S CREDENTIALS







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2006
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 9:02am
Thank you. I feel bettar now that I am thinking straight. I will definitely see a therapist as it is affecting my work life. I ahve a wonderful job and love what I do..
Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 11:44pm
Sometimes it really helps to hear someone say that you're thinking is on the right track. I'm glad it helped.


Best of luck Krisesk.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"