"preparing" for an "upcoming" issue...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
"preparing" for an "upcoming" issue...
7
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:25am

Hi everyone, please don't think I'm crazy for worrying about this issue 6 months before it arises - it represents a larger problem that I deal with weekly, but I know it will escalate very soon.

My boyfriend and I are both juniors in college, we've been together for over a year. Very in love, great relationship, no real problems (the occasional spat, like any other healthy relationship.) But sometimes I get very, very jealous, almost beyond my control. I saw a therapist about a year ago and she helped a little; the only thing I really lose it over is when he's out with friends drinking (the drinking is the only part that gets me.) I'm all for him going to play basketball with his friends, going to sporting events, video games, whatever. But the second that I find out they're (1) drinking more than just a couple beers or (2) there's girls present that aren't dating any of his roommates, I flip. For no reason. I am 100% aware of my irrationality - please don't tell me I'm crazy. I'm looking for advice.

At this point, its manageable. For example, if I just laid down to sleep and he calls and I find out they're drinking and other girls are there, I'll wake back up (too anxious to sleep) and end up going over to his place. If I can't get to wherever he's at, I'll get so anxious that sometimes I go as far as hanging up on him - I don't do it often (I'd like to think of myself as more mature than that) but sometimes, the anxiety is overwhelming.

I have zero reason to be jealous - he's the most loyal guy you'll ever meet. He never flirts with other people (which I am even guilty of sometimes) and he always tells me I'm the only one for him and I have nothing to worry about.

As I said, things are manageable now. However, in 6 months, I will be leaving to do an internship in a city about 2.5 hours away. I will be very busy (working 50 hours/week, meeting new people, etc.) which will probably be my saving grace. But I know for a fact that on weeknights, he will want to go to the bars with his guys (we'll both be 21 by this time) and of course, that means heavy drinking and cute college girls. I am terrified that my habits will remain and when I find out that he's going out, I'll flip. I think the distance will make everything worse because I will truly have zero control over anything (i.e. unable to drive the two blocks to his house) and I will be seeing him about once every three weeks (verses daily, which it is now.) I'm terrified that the summer will take a huge toll on this otherwise great relationship. I know myself, I know how I react, I know my occasional irrationality - I just get so, so jealous when I'm not included or involved. Sure, I'll be able to go out with my own, new group of friends but I know the anxiety will still exist.

What can I do or say to myself to just RELAX?! How can I end this irrationality? How can I overcome the anxiety of knowing that he's out without me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Have you thought about revisiting the idea of therapy?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004

I have most definitely considered revisiting a therapist, though probably a new one because I don't know how effective the first one was. I'm not sure, however, if its "necessary." I feel like this is a very manageable issue and I've improved so much from day one of my relationship with him. I used to be unable to eat if I knew he was in class with this girl that liked him. Now I truly could care less. The more I think about it, the less anxious I get about him ending up with another girl, or flirting with another girl - I know he wants me, and only me. I think what makes me the most anxious is knowing that my friends are all having fun without me, whether that means I'm sleeping, out of town, etc. I hate feeling like I'm missing out, knowing that conversations and jokes and memories are being shared/exchanged and I'm not participating. Very trivial, I know. I never believed that anxiety was an issue until a couple weeks ago when I couldn't sleep, had to take a bath, my heart was racing, and I couldn't calm down so I called him and told him I was so angry for no reason and I was more worried about my reaction to the issue than the issue itself. I felt like I needed a sedative - that has never, ever happened to me. That's partially the reason I'm writing on here today...

I just hate to think that I need medicine to control my own emotions; I feel like I just need some advice/coping methods and then I would be able to manage my reactions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003

Is it possible your reactions have to do with something other than your boyfriend? Perhaps you are directing it towards an area you normally feel safe. Is there an area of your life that makes you specifically anxious? Past, present, or future-it could be anything.

I would definitely consider talking to a therapist. Not because you need meds but because they could help you get a handle on your emotions and maybe find out the root cause. As long as that root is there, the problem will continue to grow, kwim?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2004

You need to get back into more effective therapy with someone who can really help you with your jealousy/insecurity/control issues because you can't control your boyfriend nor can you control random women who happen to be out and be at the place where your boyfriend and his boys are drinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I completely agree that it's time to see a therapist. A different therapist might well be in order, but I wonder, how long and how often did you see your therapist before? Did you stop going because your therapist said you were no longer in need or did you decide not to continue on your own?







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
It's great to see you here again, Mountainmama, it's been a while!


I would agree that this is about something other than/earlier than/deeper than her boyfriend; especially since she insists he's done nothing to create suspicion or doubt. Most likely it's rooted in a past issue, I think, but a therapist will be the one to say for sure.







~ cl-2nd_life

"You can't control the length of your life,
but you can control the width and depth."

~ Author unknown

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"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Thank you.