Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
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Jealous of GIRLS in HIS LIFE!
| Fri, 11-24-2006 - 11:08am |
I have always been jealous of girls in my significant others' life...ever since I was starting to date at 16. My current relationship isn't any different (now I am 28)....except that the only friends and family he DOES have are all GIRLS. When I started to date him, he was dating a few other girls, and even after we were serious, he kept trying to make new girl buddies and lie about who he was hanging out with. I have never and never will be the sort of girl who likes my bf to have a lot of girl buddies. My bf now would be friends with any girl he says hi to. No, I don't like it. He doesn't go out and make guy friends...just girls, so it bothers me!!! He is always talking to his girl cousins, texting them, and sharing constant I love you's with them. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it seriously bothers me. I don't have self-esteem issues, and I am not insecure. But there is definitely something else wrong. I don't feel I am completely out of line with how I feel, but I know I shouldn't be so harsh towards him because he is always talking to his girl family members. HE NEVER talks to guys. I can't believe I am jealous of him being super close to his girl family members, but i am. Sometimes I snap at him and ask why he texts his cousin so much, and I think he is starting to resent me. I feel like I am trying to control him, but I also don't trust him, so I think that is a huge issue..but family?? What is my problem..? I have always been this way, but it's getting worse since he has ALL GIRLS in his life, and I don't like it. :(

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Welcome to the board, Funnygirl2929 ~
I know you're not going to like this, but here it is.
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You're with the wrong man. Period. Your values are not the same and will never be the same.
I don't know what to say. To some degree I can relate to what you are saying - I have many more female friends than male friends. But then again, I post to these boards too. Hardly macho behaviour so it's probably not surprising that I can relate to women probably better than I relate to men. Freud would have a field day with me. LOL!
>>I think he is starting to resent me.<<
No doubt he *is* starting to resent you. I would.
>> I feel like I am trying to control him,<<
You are.
>>but I also don't trust him,<<
Why not? What reasons has he given for you to not trust him? I think that his reasons for having female friends are much like mine. A large number of females in the family (and a couple of other factors) mean that he has always been able to relate to women better than he does to other guys. He's still a guy - he just gets along with women well. There needn't be anything dubious or suspicious about that.
>>What is my problem..?<<
I don't know. Only you know that. Freud would probably have a field day with you too.
Maybe you do need some therapy to help you understand yourself and resolve whatever issues you have? I've never been a great fan of therapy - all new-age fluff and nonsense most of the time as far as I'm concerned. People reach for therapists like they reach for aspirin these days. But in your situation it might be worth investigating.
I don't believe in therapy either.
What reason has he given me to NOT trust him? Perhaps this would allow you to view my issue a tad bit differently. For these reasons alone, may say I was stupid to stay in this relationship in the first place, but I never left.
* When I first moved in with him, he asked me if a girl "buddy" of his could come visit in a week. I was like...umm no...I just moved in, so could it wait? He said of course. Little did I know...he had ALREADY purchased HER plane ticket, but never told me. The week went by and the night she was coming, he acted SUPER nervous. It was 1 am and I finally asked him what was wrong. He had no way out of the situation, so he said the girl was on her way to stay with US. Here is the clincher...she had NO idea he has a live in girlfriend, or a girlfriend at ALL. She stayed with us for a week. It was a nightmare...she is 19, he is 27. ?? Made no sense, and he lied about her coming. She kept telling me when she was here that her family wishes they were together blah blah blah, and I kept saying..please don't talk to me about my bf this way.
*He continued to send his ex gf gifts when he and I were together. i.e. sex toys, presents..etc. He allowed her to create a web page trashing ME, and backed her up on it. He flew to Australia to be with HER...when we were getting serious. I found his email open one day, and it was all from his ex ex ex...who he promised me he would not talk to anymore...
My decision to move in with him was tremendous. I graduated college and was moving to CO..it was my ultimate dream and something I strived for for many years. He came back from Australia and said he couldn't be without me, and that things were over with his ex, and please move in with him. (Two hours away from where I was presently). I gave it all up and moved in with him. He promised me he wouldn't talk to his ex anymore. I took his word on it. He continued to trash me to her, to make plans to go on vacations with her, and I busted him daily. Why did I stay? Let me tell you why.
I gave up my dream to be here. I had a new job right out of college, I didn't know a single person except him, and I refused to let it ruin my life. I would not and could not fall behind on bills by qutting my job and leaving...again. I stuck through it, and now he is the one who constantly questions who I talk to or email etc. I stopped trying to find a reason to hate him. He found out I was telling everyone how unhappy I was and told me he no longer trusted me. DIDNT TRUST ME? With all he has done ( i didn't tell you the half of it)..he doesn't trust me? It was insanely ridiculous.
Anyways, since he told me that he didn't like me telling people how unhappy I was, and I told him I was uncomfortable with his super close relationships with SOME GIRLS. no not all...things have gotten better. It almost seems doomed from the start, when he was going to be with his ex (9 hour drive) and then coming to be with me the next day....but for some reason we stuck it out. I have calmed down a lot, but yeah, he makes me insecure and my trust was destroyed. It would have been ideal to get out a long time ago...but I didn't.
At this point in time, things are getting better. From the people in my life I know, most girls don't find it acceptable to make girl "buddies" when they are in a relationship. That ends...I don't see how my opinion on that is worthy of therapy. How many girls are ok with their bf or husband hanging out with only girls all the time...I would guess I am not the only one. While I already stated I know this is an issue with myself and always has been....there are many reasons constantly remain this way. It won't change overnight. I am trying to accept his closeness with females. I explained my problem to him, and that is all we can work on from here.
you write: " I don't believe in therapy either. "
Well, then there is no way you're going to be able to resolve this issue because you don't know why you do it; people not trained in human psychotherapy can only speculate what your problem is. Westridge tried and you posted pretty much a dissertation on why he's off base.
Next up is his inappropriate behavior towards a 19-year old. After spending a day with his ex the day before moving on to you, he flies in a 19-year old a week later. This doesn't add up to a "get the he** out of there situation" to you? Further, he trashes you to others, "allows" his ex to put up a website trashing you (I assume you mean "condones" since he can't control what his ex does) and this doesn't signal to you that this is not a situation that you should be in? This entire situation has been nothing but enormous red flags and warning sirens since the very beginning, it's about much more than a guy who has or prefers female friends. You say things are better now. Greeeeat. So, things are better with a guy who has proven to be disrespectful of you, really proven to have no deep feelings for you; certainly none that don't allow him to continue to play, he has no problem with his ex's trashing you, shows you no allegiance. Why would you stay with someone who has done these things? Things may be better, but the facts remain and frankly, to feel this guy ever has true feelings for you or thinks of you in more than abstract terms, with no more importance than the other girls he has in his life - and in some cases less - is beyond me. The best you could have with this guy is much less than substandard. It seems you're saying, better in a situation that's completely intolerable is a good thing, but in this kind of situation, "better" is still intolerable. You haven't just hooked up with a guy who doesn't agree with your feeling that opposite sex friends are inappropriate, you've hooked up with a guy who is intolerable on many, many levels. Why would you stay in a situation like this? You said there's nothing wrong with your self esteem, but I beg to differ. No one who has a healthy self esteem would allow themselves to stay and be so disrespected and degraded.
You say, "most girls don't find it acceptable to make girl "buddies" when they are in a relationship. That ends...I don't see how my opinion on that is worthy of therapy. " In your initial post you said, "I have always been jealous of girls in my significant others' life...ever since I was starting to date at 16." That would be the reason. That, and the fact that you're choosing to stay in a situation that's screamed "GET OUT" from an emotionally healthy standpoint since day one. You may not believe in therapy, but you've been unable to resolve a problem that's followed you throughout your life and have moved on to more concerning problems. That would indicate it's time to try something else, working on it yourself has not found success, rather it's found additional reasons for real concern. Life doesn't have to b such a struggle, and it wouldn't be upon learning the cause of your issues and learn a healthier way of being. That's what therapy is for.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
OK now we are starting to see this situation a little more completely.
I haven't read the other responses, so pardon me if I repeat. I think the most significant thing you said in your post is that you don't trust your bf. If that's true, then the relationship is doomed. Whether he is deserving of your trust but you are unable to give it to him, or if he is untrustworthy and you are justified in your distrust, only maters with regard to how you handle the problem.
So, you need to identify the basis of your distrust. Likely, you will need some professional help. If the distrust is only in your head, you need help to figure out where that comes from, and you owe it to yourself to work very hard at fixing whatever it is. You say you have "always been" the kind of person who is jealous. It's great that you are aware of this flaw - but you need to understand that it is a SERIOUS flaw and that if it is left uncorrected, will hamper your ability to be happy.
On the other hand, if your bf is a cheater and you have legitimate reasons not to trust him - because of things you have seen him do to you or in his dealings with others - then you need to end the relationship now. Something like that is not going to change and you need to move on. You're better off getting the inevitable pain over with sooner rather than later.
Lastly, if this second situation is the closer to the truth, you need to look at your past relationships and determine whether you seem to always pick untrustworthy partners. If this is, in fac,t a pattern in your life, some help in determining why you do it would also be a good idea.
Hope this helps.
LRM
you write:
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