Too depressed for a relationship?
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| Sat, 11-25-2006 - 6:37pm |
I feel horrible...I have a wonderful fiance (he is 31, I am 25, engaged for over 1 year, living together for about 1 year), but lately, I've lost that loving feeling.
Why? Well, many reasons:
1. I have depression and it's gotten worse in the last few months, and my sex drive has really gone down, as has my energy to work at a relationship. I'm very unhappy, bored, and unmotivated when it comes to the relationship, and my lack of trying causes him to shut down, yet I can't seem to shake my depressed mood.
2. He works really long hours, so we don't see each other a lot. I typically get up around 8 or 9 and then go to bed around 11. He's at work from about 9 a.m.-11 p.m. most days...and often, we only have one day off to spend together.
3. He has a lot of debt, and I don't make much and don't feel it's fair for me to have to always spend my money for us to go out on dates (I'm a grad student so I make less than $15,000 a year, he makes over 3 times as much). So basically, we go out on dates maybe once or twice a month, if that.
4. He likes to sit around at home and watch TV, I like, and NEED, to go out and do things...if I sit around, I get REALLY anxious and depressed. I feel bad, like I'm forcing him, if I ask him to go somewhere with me, because I know he'd rather sit on the couch and watch football.
5. He's gained some weight since we met, and I find him less attractive...he wears sloppy clothes most of the days he's off with me, and doesn't seem to care how he looks. I work hard to stay fit and attractive. I am not very attracted to him anymore. He also smokes a lot, and I quit, so it's hard to see him smoking so much.
6. He doesn't help me out around the house much. I don't really ask him to because he's at work so much, but I feel like I have to take care of everything. I'm overwhelmed by it.
We've had several talks about all of this, and I know he's trying his best to make me happy. I know I'm being really self-centered, but I'm so unhappy sometimes, I worry about my own mental health and worry that this relationship is making my depression worse because of the guilt I feel for not being happy with "us" even though he's doing all he can.
Can anyone relate, or offer some advice? I'd really appreciate it.
Red

You might read through your old post too, many find reading their old posts very helpful and enlightening; they're able to see situations more clearly than they could when they were in the middle of them and are able to see improvement, or lack of, in their situations. I hope you find it as enlightening as many do:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlcouplescou/?msg=8942.1~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
You said you've talked to your fiance about the things about your relationship that are bothering you and that he's trying his best to make you happy. I don't see that as a help or advisable..... he shouldn't be trying to make you happy, he should be doing what has been agreed upon as fair and reasonable for your relationship; you know, compromises, understandings, etc. A few questions that will help quite a bit in knowing what will help in the way of suggestions:
Last time you posted there were lots of areas that were left unclear, I'm hoping this time you'll give us answers so we can offer you thoughts and suggestions that are based on more understanding to your actual situation so we'll be able to give you answers that make sense and work in your actual relationship. Assumptions and generalizations rarely cut it, you know?
There are some issues you mentioned that could answer now, but I'd rather give you all my answers at once, when I understand it all, rather than a few now and a few later. I'll be checking back for your reply ~~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
Edited 11/25/2006 10:17 pm ET by cl-2nd_life
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
What do you think it would be like to date someone who enjoyed going out, who exercised and dressed nicely, who did not smoke, who had work hours that matched up with yours, who could afford to take you out every weekend and who you were really, really attracted to?
Hi Redlightgo;
I see why you are depressed.....you are engaged to a guy who appears to lack several of the things you want and the prospect of spending the rest of your life committed to a guy that you don't appear to even like very much could cause anyone to become depressed.
Let's see if I got this right.....he is overweight, sloppy, couch potato, when he is home, and works 14 hours a day the rest of the time, and despite all the incredibly hard work is heavily in debt and can't even afford to take you out......but
I'm just going to jump on in here and defend the guy a little cause a couple of the last posters seem pretty negative about the guy.
I've worked in hospitality and I know what this guy is facing at work. He will genuinely be working those hours in a busy hot kitchen, probably overworked, and more than likely as part of a kitchen brigade where the supervisor regularly swears at you using language that would make a sailor blush. I don't work in hospitality any more because I burnt out at 33yo - one of my good friends is a Chef that was doing extremely well at a National level and he burnt out at 28yo. Chefing has got to be one of the most stressful and hardest jobs out there. 12+ hours a day are the norm in this industry. And because this guy works in a business where regular people come to socialise the last thing that he feels like doing is going out to a bar or a restaurant when he finishes work - or God forbid, having to even look at food.
I don't know about the debt that he has. That sounds a bit dodgy, but he sounds like a fairly normal chef to me in the other respects. And No, this wouldn't be the first hospitality relationship to fail. We used to make jokes about it at work. Its a given in that industry that your relationship is under stress all the time.
I think that everyone that I knew had a failed relationship or marriage due primarily to their choice of career. I know that my first marriage largely failed because of it.
These two have to work it out between themselves. He was in this business when she met him so she has to accept that to a degree. This is not a career where he can easily cut the hours back.
She also has to accept that he is not going to want to socialise all the time after finishing work. I think that he should socialise some of the time but it's not reasonable to expect it all the time.
In a nutshell, I guess that there is no easy solution to all this if he is going to remain in hospitality.
Well unfortunately for him, she can solve it by leaving and finding a relationship with a man who does not work as a chef (not that a new relationship will fix all her problems).
Hi everyone and thanks for all the advice you've given so far...I'm shocked so many of you remember me from last year!! Now, to follow up on cl-2nd life's questions, here are my answers...hopefully I will clarify things better and give you all a better idea of my relationship.
-I'm not in therapy right now. I was for years and years, and nothing every worked. What worked was when I underwent a major lifestyle change on my own terms and HAD to take control of my life. I might do that now if it wasn't for the fact that I have to finish school (only a semester left) and I'm locked into a lease until the end of July. Therapy isn't something I want right now--it would be one more thing that would be a burden to my busy schedule, and I know from the past that if I don't want therapy and don't think it will help, it won't.
-My fiance and I communicate about our lives and our relationship DAILY...he wants to talk about it probably more than I want to. We've had several heart-to-hearts where I've told him everything I told you guys...and I say it as nicely but as honestly as possible. Things are then much better for a few days, but then go back to the usual. I think one of the biggest problems is that he just doesn't understand what depression is like. He thinks he can fix it, but he can't, and I tell him that all the time. I tell him I need to help myself, and that I need him to just be there for me, support me, and have fun with me. I also tell him I have trouble getting going, making decisions, etc., so if he could take the initiative and plan fun things or decide to keep the TV off and suggest a game or a walk instead--without asking me if that sounds good--that would help. But he just doesn't seem to understand.
-He always says that everything I say to him makes sense and he's sorry and will do better. But I'm still not happy...and know its mostly nothing to do with him. I'm just not happy with myself.
-I do go out with friends about every other week...usually we're too busy to see eachother more than that, or I'm not in the mood to go out to the bars or places they want to go. My fiance and I literally go out of the house on 'dates'--ie, something other than picking up lunch or running errands--only about once per month. Usually, these 'dates' are not out, but instead ordering delivery and watching a movie at home, which is fun sometimes but I like to go out and be social and try new places. He knows this, but his lack of money is always the obstacle. He asks me to help out, which I do sometimes, but otherwise he declares how much he can spend because he literally doesn't have anything more.
-Why is he so in debt? Student loans (culinary school is expensive), he bought a nice car years ago and barely put anything down on it, and he has credit card debt he's still not caught up on from impulsive spending habits from before he knew me. He's gotten really good and not spending on things now, to the other extreme where he barely uses any money for fun stuff.
-I would never ask him to leave his profession...he is at the executive chef level and he's very passionate about it. He jokes about getting a different job, but I don't want to be the reason he pursues a different career. Cooking is what he's meant to do. I knew that from the beginning, but living the life is different than considering it, and after a couple years it gets hard. I feel like he's cheating on me with his job, and right now I'm hemming and hawing over if I can deal with being with a man in this profession anymore.
-I really do love him, and he has some amazing qualities...we are very much alike personality wise, and he 'gets' me (save the depression part) like no one else ever has. He makes me laugh, is very loving towards me, he is super supportive of me, and just a compassionate, passionate, interesting person overall. The problems really are the money and his job. I do believe if he was around more and had more spending money, I wouldn't be here complaining about anything. The sex is good too :)...even though my sex drive has taken a hit lately, when we do have it, it's always wonderful.
-I realize none of this will magically get better after marriage...that's why I'm in no rush to get married, and why I'm sorting through these issues NOW before we start making definite wedding plans.
Does anyone need to know anything else? I'd be happy to clarify anything.
Thanks again for all of your help.
Red
What I notice is that none of the problems you posted about a year ago seem to have been resolved, but new ones have been added. That would signify some pretty significant issues. However, you're depressed, and depression can make things seem much more problematic than they are, so it's hard to know what issues are truly problems and what issues the depression has magnified. You need to take care of the depression.
You say that the two of you talk about the problems/issues a lot and that he says he understands and things get better for a few days, then slide back to the way they were before. What things change and how do those changes come about? In these changes that happen, are you doing something to change as well, or is it all your fiance that's making the changes?
His profession isn't going to change, yet it's been the major problem you've had. I know you don't want to hear this, but I'd suggest that living a life you don't like isn't going to be a happy life. He may be great in a lot of areas, but this is a huge area, and it is one that you are definitely not happy with. I'd typically say that you need to decide if you can happily accept this as it is, no changes necessary for you to be happy, but we both know you can't. I think that says some pretty clear things about your future with him. Not only do you not like what his profession means to your relationship, you don't like his personality in preferring to sit around the house (another issue from a year ago), you don't like that he's gaining weight you don't like that he smokes. These are all things you can't change or control. Bugging him won't make a difference (except they might make him smoke more and gain more weight); they're what he chooses to do, he's the only one who can decide to make them different, and he'll have to want these changes for himself before they'll happen.
A guy who's great for us in some areas is a guy who's *almost* right, but doesn't fill the bill in all areas, and in order to have a relationship that works and is what you want, need and require, all areas have to fit. You might think that's asking too much, but you'd be wrong. Accepting less than what you really want is choosing less than right and less than right won't make you happy, it will continue to make you dissatisfied, frustrated and unhappy. If it were right you wouldn't be struggling with the same issues year by year. Women who marry into situations that don't make them happy in some areas often do so thinking they'll get used to things as they are and change to being happy. That's not what happens though. What happens is they become more unhappy, the things that are lacking become more obvious and more desired. The hole becomes more apparent, not less.
Articles that makes sense here are:
Unmatched ambitions
Rship Components - Healthy & Unhealthy A book I suggest reading:
"Are You the One For Me?" by Barbara DeAngelis
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I think that's an important aspect to consider, though I know it's not one you want to consider.
Since you haven't replied to the questions I asked in my last reply, I wonder if you're not planning to reply or if you just haven't had time to come back. I'm hoping you'll give me answers to my questions, I think they may help shed light on your issue.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"