husband hot temper!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2006
husband hot temper!
11
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:40am

We have been married for 12 years and we have a 9 year old daughter. I knew my husband had a hot temper and should of not married him.

My husband gets very angry with our daughter...he will give her 1 warning and then if she does not listen he will YELL. I have told him his yelling makes me nervous and he keeps saying he will try not to.

He's a diabetic and not sure if his temper has anything to do with it.

I wish i could change him..but after 14 years of knowing him...that will never happen.

He is a good dad and loves her to death but i can't stand him.

We get into fights on how to control our daughter all the time.

I hate it when my mom comes over or we go out with her because it makes me nervous if our daughter was to act up...my husband attitude does not change even when my moms around.( we went on a trip to las vegas with mom a few years ago and my husband got so strssed out about driving he blew up.

He has been on a few antidepressants but nothing works.

anyone have a husband like this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 8:41pm
Welcome to the board, Aprilcindy ~


A few questions....

  • What does your daughter think about the yelling and how does she react to it?
  • What does your mother think about it and how does she react/respond to your husband's yelling at your daughter?
  • He yells in public, how does the public react and how does your husband react to the reaction his yelling receives in public (assuming it receives a reaction)?
  • You say you've talked about it many times, what does your husband think about it? Does he feel it's warranted and acceptable or does he dislike the fact that he does it too?
  • When you say you can't stand him, are you saying you no longer love him and no longer want to be married to him?

    Answers to those questions will help






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2006
    Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:35am

    My daughter gets scared when he yells...who likes getting yelled out? she does stop what she is doing.

    My mom HATES when he yells at her...she brings things up from years ago. My mom will not sleep at night if she happends to see him yell at her..she feels terrible for our daughter.

    People will look but not say anything.My husband feels really bad after he yells, he thinks it's warrented but I don't.

    I have thought about divorce many times...love him? I'm not sure.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 10-17-2003
    Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:59am
    When you say he yells, do you mean he simply raises his voice, or does he launch into a verbal assault? He needs to control his temper either way, but I'm trying to get a hold on the situation, so bear with me :). As for the diabetes, I'm diabetic and short-tempered by nature but I think that is just chance. I CAN say that stress can cause glucose levels to rise and constant anger is a sure stressor. Furthermore, diabetes can affect the nerves, and this may be something he could check into. Does he seem constantly agitated, or are there specific things that set him off? Does he seem controlling to you at all? Even if he isn't trying to control YOU he may still have issues with control, so that could be another issue to look into. In the meantime (forgive me if you've mentioned this) I would suggest therapy for both you and your daughter so that you can have some tools for handling your reactions to his temper.
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:38pm
    Aprilcindy, maybe I'm wrong, but you seem to be a little put out at me questioning the level and extent of his yelling. Most everyone yells on occasion, like Mountainmamma I'm trying to get a good understanding of what the situation is exactly; I mean, there's yelling and there's yelling. I hope you'll answer Mountainmamma's questions, I have the same questions. I have a few more that will help me better understand the situation so I can know what to suggest. It's hard to suggest much of anything before you really understand the situation. Mountainmamma's questions were:


  • When you say he yells, do you mean he simply raises his voice, or does he launch into a verbal assault?
  • Does he seem constantly agitated, or are there specific things that set him off?
  • Does he seem controlling to you at all?


    To those I add:


  • What kinds of things does he typically yell at your daughter for?
  • Does he yell at you and others too, or is it only your daughter?
  • You said your husband feels really bad after he yells, and yet you also say he feels it's warranted. I guess I find it odd that he'd feel bad about it, yet feel it was the right thing to do. Is it that he felt it was the only option left and that even though he didn't want to yell, he felt he had to?
  • You say you aren't sure you love him. Is this due to the yelling only or are there other issues that cause you to no longer feel love for him?


    I hope you don't think I'm trivializing the yelling issue, I'm not, not at all. What I'm trying to do is get a good picture of what's going on, not just with the yelling at your daughter, but with your situation entirely.


    Thanks in advance for your answers.






  • ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2006
    Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:06pm

    My husband gets very angry and i would say it's verbal abuse. He scares me even though he won't touch us.

    alot of times he's agitated... but it's usually when our daughter does not listen. Our daughter will keep doing something if you tell her not to... She can drive you nuts sometimes.

    No, he's not controlling to me.

    He will yell at people...sometimes

    Me...very rare

    He makes me nervous when he gets mad...my dad used to yell all the time and i hated it.

    Mostly it's our daughter he yells out when she does not listen.

    He knows i'm mad because i am very cold to him the last few times.

    He's not a calm person ,he's a nervous person. can't stand waiting in lines. or traffic.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:36pm
    Thanks for your answers, Aprilcindy. I understand about your daughter having the ability to drive you nuts sometimes, my daughter just turned 15 a few days ago....boy do I understand what you mean ~ !


    So your husband never yells at you, rarely at others but often at your daughter? Has it always been like that or is it just since she's hit those frustrating years? You said your father yelled and you hated it, which suggests that you might be overly sensitive to yelling, but you also said a few other things that suggest more....


    You said he can't stand waiting in lines or in traffic, which suggests that when he has to do either of those things he gets close to the boiling point soon, and I imagine (assuming here) that in those situations your anxiety level goes through the roof as you anticipate (with dread and fear) the reaction that's about to erupt out of him. You said you consider him verbally abusive and that he scares you. The fact that you consider him verbally abusive tells me that he almost certainly is verbally abusive. The fact that he scares you, even though he never yells at you tells me he's almost certainly emotionally abusive too. Emotional abuse is in reactions and actions that may or may not be directed towards you. For instance, getting angry and driving recklessly, way too fast, etc. is emotional abuse. Punching a hole in the wall is emotional abuse (the unspoken suggestion is that you could be that wall next time or that he may go over the edge and take his physical actions out on you. Barely controlled anger (at traffic or lines, for instance) is emotional abuse. It scares the he** out of you but isn't really directed towards you. Emotional abuse puts you in fear though no verbal threats may have been made. I get the feeling that this may be what's going on here. Perhaps much of the time you're with him you are fearful of what he'll do, how he'll react or dread what might happen if traffic doesn't break up really, really soon? Is there a knot in your stomach and do you find yourself making compromises you don't think are right in hopes of avoiding what might be a problem if he found out? If I sound like I know what I'm talking about it's because my ex-husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. I know all too well what it's like to live with that kind person.


    This is a lot, but here are some articles and informational posts I'd like you to take a look at. See if some of what they say doesn't sound familiar:

    What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)
    Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
    Traits of an Abusive Personality
    Know What Domestic Violence Is
    Power and Control
    Extensive DV Checklist
    General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
    The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
    Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
    The Mind of an Abuser
    Is Your Relationship Healthy?

    I'm really glad you answered the questions, it's made a big difference.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2006
    Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:04am

    I am so scared....because what i have read he fits many things he does.

    even if i get a divorce we have a daughter and what do i do?

    you are so correct about what you have said. My stomach is in needles because i'm afraid of his anger.

    The most thing i'm afraid of is when we are with my mom and he does this. My mom years ago saw him yell at our daughter ( not just raising his voice) and my mom and dad were shocked and shaken up.... my mom still tells me about this today.

    I quess i made a big mistake and married a abusive person...what do i do now?

    i feel so sick

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:16pm

    Aprilcindy, I'm at work so I can't spend the time to give you the kind of answer








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-08-2006
    Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:39pm

    I'm afraid because i don't know what to do... I quess the answer is divorce.

    just confimimg what i have thought already. If he gets really mad he will hit himself.

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 03-26-2003
    Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:41pm
    I hope you're on the DA board by now, even if you're just lurking.


    What you need to know about abusers is that basically they don't change. The actual percentage of abusers who change and become non-abusive is at 1%, and that number includes the abusers who got through focused abuse treatment programs. How long has your husband been this way? If he's the father of your daughter I'm guessing he's been this way for 14 years at least. That should give you some idea about what you have to look forward to in continuing with him -- exactly what it's been like, and perhaps escalating to more and worse. Abuse typically does.


    I don't know if you thought about this aspect or not... I know your daughter is scared when he's verbally abusive with her, and she should be. Beyond thinking about what it means to grow up being abused, being afraid of someone who's supposed to protect you, have you considered what it means to her future? Growing up with an abusive father means her idea of what a man is supposed to be like is the example she has -- her father. Love what he does or hate what he does, she's being trained to look for someone exactly like him for her own adult life. That cycle of abuse, the one where kids who grow up in abuse go on to be in abusive relationships themselves? That's what you're daughter is being trained for. Getting her away from abuse is the right thing.


    I know you already felt this was abuse, I'm guessing having some confirmation has had an impact on you. Give yourself some time to let it sink in. Spend some time learning about abuse by reading the DA board and their homepage (board webpage). If you can, read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans . A great audio interview with Lundy Bancroft is: Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy

    Please also consider calling your local domestic abuse hotline to get a referral for domestic abuse counseling for you and your daughter. The counseling you get from the referral will be free, and it is very necessary for both of you. If you don't have a local number, you can call the national hotline who can refer you locally at National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799- 7233 .

    And keep talking. It's important to have support, to be able to talk to people who understand. Since your parents are concerned and disturbed by his behavior, I assume they will be supportive of you, yes?

    Be good to yourself, and give yourself some time to let this sink in.







    ~ cl-2nd_life

    "Experience is what you get
    When you don't get what you want"

    ~ Author unknown








    "Ignoring the facts
    does not change the facts"

    Pages