Need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Need advice
15
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:04am

I think that I have a problem within myself that is hurting my marriage. I am not good at handling conflict with my husband. I am the type that can not give space when it is needed. I hate it so much when we fight that all I want to do is talk it through so we are not angry at each other anymore. My husband is the type that does not want to talk to me or even be near me until he is entirely done being angry (which usually takes at least 24 hours depending on how upset became in the first place).
So bascially I keep trying to talk it out and keeps telling me to go away. The whole time I know that what I am doing is just making things worse and that he will be mad even longer when I do that, but I don't know why I CAN NOT STOP!!!

Any suggestions?!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:33am

You sound alot like me, except I'm not married. My boyfriend and I have gotten into arguments and he is alot like your husband. He would rather leave until the anger passes and I want him to stay and talk it out with me. I've learned however, to compromise, or rather, he's taught me 'how' to compromise.

When we get into heated discussions, I want to be assured that although he is leaving the situation...it's not for good, which is why I guess I want to 'talk it out'. So, a few months ago he left my house angry. I was very upset and hurt that he didn't stay to ease my fears. Well, a few minutes later he called me and said, 'I still love you'. So, I knew then that once he cooled off, he'd be back. We've gotten into 2 arguments since then and I've given him his space. We both walked away knowing that the love was still there. It's truly a wonderful feeling....I really hope this helps.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:55am

Welcome back,








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:00pm
It's nice to see you again, Mcambpell ~ Is this the same boyfriend that you posted about before? (Does he REALLY "want" me?)?








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:14pm
What is it that you fear will happen if you let him walk away to cool off?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:47pm

Hi, thanks for remembering me. All is good with my boyfriend. I will post an update now at my original message.

Thanks again.
M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:08pm
That's the thing - I don't know. Right now, I know there is no reason to be afraid. Right now, thinking clearly, I know that walking away is the best thing to do. But when it is happening, My emotions take over my logical thinking. The only thing that I can think of is that maybe I fear that my husband does not care about the reason we started arguing in the first place or why I am even upset at all. I feel like he will not just listen to me. I just want to be open and tell him how I am feeling and some how he turns things into a fight because he accuses me of doing something that I'm not. I get so angry because then he is mad at me when he has no reason to be. If anything I should be mad at him!
When all is said and done, I end up apologizing because I don't just walk away - instead I try to stay and talk which ends up making things worse. But I am thinking about why the whole thing started and he doesn't even care about that. I apologize for my part in the fight, but yet he thinks he has no reason to. He is the most stubborn person I know, and he can also be one of the most selfish.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:24pm

I have more questions, and your answers will hopefully go a long way to clarifying stuff and making it so we can provide better feedback.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 2:51pm
Our last fight started over something really stupid - they almost always do.
We were just watching TV and he made a comment about a woman's breasts No big deal at all- that does not bother me. But for the past week or so, I noticed him being much more sexual than usual. And not sexual towards me - just sexual in general. It seemed as though every time he saw an attractive woman he needed a drool pan. I had also noticed he was watching porn quite often, even though I was available if he wanted to have sex with me.
So, after he made the comment I said something like "What is with you being extra horny latley?" Then he said what do you mean and I explained why I thought he was extra sexual lately - all the comments, manhandling himself all the time, etc. He told me that he is not acting any differently, that now, all of a sudden he is just talking to me about these things. I asked him why and he said he didn't think I could handle him talking to me about these things before. He also said that he has been worried that he is becoming less sexual and he doesn't want to be one of those married couples that is "sexually controlled by their partner." I listend to all of this without judgement.
I know at some point he accused me of not liking or accepting these parts of him, that is when it turned into a fight because I told him that wasn't true and he continued to tell me that it was.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:24pm
Well, my guess would be that given the history you two have of intimacy problems, he's likely still defensive and sensitive to these kinds of discussions.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: i_swellgal
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:42pm
I am not sure what the other post stated about sex - I should go back and re-read, but we have been married for 8 months and together for 4 years before that. We have intercourse once or twice a week. I am not that concerned about the frequency of our sex, but I think you are right - I think he has some serious issues about sex and being totally honest with me about it. I think he may be way more sexual than I am and he thinks I won't be okay with that. That I'll think he is a freak or something. Which is crazy because I am not super conservative or anything. How do I get him to be comfortable and open up more to me? I try so hard to be non-judgemental but it seems like he always becomes defensive by turning things around and trying to make me feel like a bad, non-supportive person.

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