questioning my marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
questioning my marriage
25
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:48am
What are you supposed to do if after a few years of marriage you feel like you married the wrong man? I thought he was the right one because he treats me wonderfully, thinks the world of me, is very supportive, is intelligent, will be a great father someday. Comes from a great familiy...stable...the works....but I am just not feeling him. He keeps asking me what is wrong and I tell him I do not feel good because I do not want to hurt him. What do I do? I keep thinking there is someone else out there for me. Am I just being too independent? Sometimes I resent being a wife. He isn't as strong as he used to be, needs me to help him make decisions like what to eat for dinner. I feel as though he leans on me TOO much. I'm all for give and take but I feel as though he is becoming completely dependent emotionally and it's sucking up my energy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:12pm

Having someone be dependent on you can cause you to lose your respect for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:18pm
I think you might be right about that. I have never been attracted to needy people, and I feel he is becoming needy. I dont know if it is my fault somehow or if is just him having issues. He is going to therapy right now for some other things, like his need to be perfect and everything to everyone. But that is to his family, colleagues, and friends. I feel like I am becoming his backbone -- I want him to have a backbone. Do I tell him this? I feel like he will get depressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:27pm

I know for me, because I have a relatively strong personality (okay, I'm actually very bossy! ;)) I tend to attract people who like to be bossed around, who need someone to make their decisions, etc.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 12:44pm

He became more needy over time, and I have to tell you, I'm a pretty bossy person too. So I like someone who will stand up to me. He does to a certain extent, like with money issues, big decisions we make as a couple. But when it comes to where to go to dinner for example, he is always like, its up to you. And I get sick of picking all the time. I think maybe he does it so that I'm happy but in truth, it gets on my nerves. I want him to just take charge.

I think he has some confidence issues I never noticed until we were married because he put up a front because he knew inconfidence was unattractive to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:21pm

I understand exactly what you're saying, and you're probably right, he probably leaves a lot of that up to you so you won't get mad.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 1:24pm

That's a really good suggestion, because I was thinking of bringing it up in terms of our marriage and/or in terms of his personality and thought he might get really upset. But explaining it in relation to how I operate mentally might be a good way to bring it up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:14pm
I'd be really interested to hear how it goes! :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 3:41pm
Thanks. I will let you know -- just knowing you're here will give me the nerve to do it. For as bossy/strong as I am, I get so nervous about hurting someone's feelings if I am not angry at them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 4:13pm
If it helps, I'm exactly the same way.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:09am
Maureen, I think the fact that he's in therapy and that he has a history of always trying to please everyone is very important in this. I'm also assuming that his "always pleasing people" didn't include needing your permission, or needing to know what you wanted or thought before proceeding on issues in the past?


I think considering he's in therapy, he may be in a transitional stage and that's why you're seeing this exaggerated behavior from him. I would suggest that if nothing else you call his therapist to report your husband's new behavior. The therapist won't be able to discuss your husband with you (unless your husband has signed a release allowing him to) but the information will very likely be valuable to the therapist and will help him work with your husband. I would also suggest you consider asking your husband (or his therapist) if a session for the two of you with the therapist could be arranged. There you could ask questions, discuss issues and concerns you have, etc., and hear from the therapist and your husband on those issues. That might prove to be very enlightening and may well make a world of difference. The other suggestion I have is that you ask your husband to sign a release so that you can make an appointment with the therapist to discuss your husband. Obviously, all three of these suggestions may not be necessary, but just as obviously, I think it's important for you to understand what's going on and for you to be able to share you concerns and the behaviors you're seeing with the therapist.



I also think it may be important for you to explore your feelings with a counselor of your own; in fact, that's what I was going to suggest before I read that your husband was seeing a therapist, which made me feel that his transitional stage likely has a big part in this. Taking a look at your feelings with a therapist can be invaluable in determining what you really want, what is right for you and if this is the place you want/need to be. But I think dealing with him and his therapist is very important too.


How long has he been in therapy? How long has he been acting this way? How long have you felt like this is not the right place for you to be?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 11/30/2006 12:13 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"

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