How to find a Good Marriage Counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
How to find a Good Marriage Counselor?
7
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 5:23pm

Hello all!!! My name is Alyson, I am 23, I live in Sunny Florida with my Dh Juan and beautiful Dd Isabella Violet - 15 months. I am new to this board and wanted to introduce myself and also ask a question about marriage counseling.


Dh and I have tried going to marriage counseling before. Right after we had our Dd. But the therapist we were going to was AWFUL and we ended up leaving after about 2 months. No better off then before we went. Dh was very skeptical about going back due to this. But after many MANY hardships in the past year or so, we have decided to reconsider it. Now we are searching for another therapist and having a hard time choosing. We don't want to end up in the same situation again. Our relationship is in very bad need of help. So does anybody have any resources or websites that have good recommendations for quality marriage counseling??


**** I am just going to give some background now Read on if you like ****


As you can see Dh and I have a beautiful 15 month old daughter! She is the light of my life! Unfortunately after I had her I was diagnosed with Post Pardum Depression. Anybody who has ever survived PPD or knows somebody who has can tell you that it is one of the most awful experiences and they would not wish it on their worst enemy. To add insult to injury Dh and I experienced probably every MAJOR life change or challenge you could in just about or just over ONE YEAR. To sum things up the best I can . . .


Dh moved from CA to FL to be with me after graduating collage (we were doing the long distance thing for 19 months and I got pregnant on one of his trips to see me!) I was almost 5 months pregnant before he got to see me again and finally move to FL. Then we move in together for the first time and live near each other for the first time in a year and 1/2. Then Isabella arrives. PPD sets in. My parents disclose that they are getting a divorce. And that my dad has been cheating on my mom and plans to move in with his new G.F. in California. Couple weeks after that my mother almost dies in a head on car accident. And has to endure months of physical therapy and surgeries on her legs. (living with us on and off or me staying there.) Then we get married in December. (yes all that happened from Aug 6



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:50am
Welcome to the board, Booyita ~


You've certainly been through a lot, from emotional to physical and back to emotional, you've really been through the ringer. First off, I'm wondering if you've seen a therapist on your own, without your husband. I ask because many of the difficult issues you are and have dealt with are issues for you, that need to be resolved with you, not your husband's issue and not his to be involved with resolving. Dealing with your issues will most certainly have a positive effect on your marriage, and not dealing with them will most certainly have a negative effect. I think it might be a good place to start. But, if you and your husband begin couples counseling, the counselor will most likely suggest that you have some individual counseling if s/he feels it's appropriate.


If you're going to counseling, it's imperative that you be certain that your therapist is trained in and accredited in a field of couples counseling. Most therapists are NOT adequately trained to do marriage therapy. ASK DIRECTLY what qualifications they have to do marriage counseling. Couples counseling is a whole different animal than individual therapy. A therapist who is not trained and accredited in couples counseling can actually make matters worse! The best therapists are the ones who make the MARRIAGE their "client," and they advocate for the relationship rather than for either of the individuals.


The most important thing is to ask the right questions, and most of them can be answered in one session, or even over the phone ahead of time if the therapist agrees to it. You already have some good ones in your posting. Do you ever take sides? why or why not? What's the goal - what do you hope my marriage will look like when we're "done?" What kind of training have you had specifically for marriage counseling? Do you give homework? How often will you see us? Do you always see us together, or will you see us separately too? How long are your clients usually in therapy?

Here are some informational articles from our Information and Resources section that may help you find an appropriate therapist:

Referrals For a Qualified Therapist
Your Therapist/Counselor's Credentials

The relationship you have with your therapist is vitally important to your progress. You need to feel comfortable and "click". You need to give yourself some time to get to know him/her and to feel comfortable, relationships take some time to build, you're not always going to feel immediately right, you know?

I couldn't help but notice that your siggie indicates you're planning to work on baby #2 in four months. I would really urge you to put baby plans on hold until you resolve the problems that you have. Another baby will add to the tension, stress and problems and you don't need that! Adding into an already problem relationship will make your success less likely. Get yourselves back on track personally, your physical health and your relationship back on track, enjoy yourselves a bit, then start working on that baby!

Best of luck!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 9:38am

Thank you for responding!


I have been to personal therapy. I went and dealt with many of my issues after My Dds birth. I went for 3 months to get a handle on the PPD. I have been off meds for the PPD since my daughter was about 5 months. And have been symptom free for awhile now. My Dh started attending sessions with me as a couple (while I was still going to individual therapy) too for this 3-4 months. The individual therapy went well but the couples therapy was difficult. I was not in a good place to seek help for my relationship at that point. And Dh like most men has a real issue with opening up his emotional side. So we just ened up terminating going to the couples therapy until I was feeling better.


I know I have personally worked through a lot of the drama in the past year. Of course it has been a rough year but now I know we can survive anything as a couple if we can make it through this year.


I guess my point it. Now I want to go and help my poor Dh work through some of his Issues. We do it as a couple because both of us like having the support. If the therapist recommends individual too, we are okay with that but like to keep the couples therapy once a week or so too just so we are both there supporting each other. Together is the only way in my opinion we can work this all out.


As far as the TTC. That is a tenitive date. Has changed several times. Just a goal we have been working towards and an ideal TTC date. We both want another baby but have agreed to re-examine the situation when April comes around. Until then I am not going to put pressure on that situation or really even worry or think about it. I think Dh is the same way. But I have to be honest we are not always as careful as we should be. Whenever life decides its our time to have another LO then we are ready for that. I don't think that opinion will change. Dh and I love our family and cannot wait to expand it. Maybe it doesn't make sense to some but for us, it feels right. I don't think it is one of those things you can easily change your mind on. But who knows a couple weeks of therapy can change a lot. So like I said that whole date is up for consideration come April. But I think we will TTC sometime next year. I expect that this round of therapy should really help bond our relationship and help us reconnect and get back to where we were.


Thank you for the resources and you opinions. I Really appreciate them and hope to see you around the board. Take care!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 12:01am
Hi Booyita ~ I'm glad to know that you did get some therapy for yourself. More than the PPD, which is incredibly difficult on its own, I was thinking about the issues surrounding your parents and the impact that had to have on you on a very deep level. You said that when you started couples counseling that you weren't in a good place to seek help for your relationship at that point. Did your therapist say s/he thought it was a good time for couples counseling?


I'm glad to know your TTC date isn't written in stone. While you may look at it as "whenever life decides its our time to have another", by not being careful, you're stacking the odds considerably, that's not "life" making the decision, that's you.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:48am

We had a really bad theripst that is why I am so concerned about finding a good one this time. She basically got to the point where she was telling us to give up. That is not good therepy for two people who in their heart of hearts want to make it.


Congrats on CL of the month too! :-)

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Lilypie 2nd Birthday PicLilypie 2nd Birthday TickerBeautiful Siggy made by Kristie (mommy2robert_allen)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 9:14pm
She was suggesting you divorce? What were her reasons for suggesting that? How long did the two of you see her? What issues were you and your husband having problems with? Was she the same therapist who you saw individually?


Thanks for the congrats, I appreciate it!







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:38am

Basically she was saying that. We both question sometimes, as I think most couples do. If loving each other is enough at times. Dh and I have a lot of love between us and I will never stop loving him. And I think at points of your life that love develops into different things. Depending on what you are going though. KWIM? And we had mentioned things like We don't know what kind of love we share anymore etc.. And she said on our last meeting that maybe we should stop trying then . . . that was enough for me to want to stop going to her. We had only been going for 4 months or so and she was already ready to give up on us. Sigh . . . .



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:33am
Well I can absolutely tell you that love is not enough. In the fairy tale ideal we have of love when we're very young, it seems like it should be "love conquers all", "if you love him it will work out", etc. But that's not at all true. You can love someone who's not at all right for you, loving them will not be enough. There are many, many instances where walking away from someone you love is indeed the absolute right thing to do. It's not easy, but it's right.


You said, "And I think at points of your life that love develops into different things. Depending on what you are going though. KWIM?" No, I don't know what you mean. Can you explain?


I understand that you were questioning whether love is enough, but what actual issues were you having in your marriage? And what do you mean, "We still cannot find any marriage counselor that specialize in our area." Specializes in what?







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown



Edited 12/11/2006 2:34 am ET by cl-2nd_life








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"