Hubby not in love anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Hubby not in love anymore
9
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:37pm
Hi All
A bit of advice please, have been married for 18 years now, last week hubby told me that although he loved me he didnt feel as if he was 'in' love with me anymore and is undecided wether to stay or go!
Naturally I was devasted, I thought we were ok I have felt something missing lately and told him but he said we were ok so thought it was just me, now he seems to agree with me.
He is being treated for depression but Im unsure wether its his depression or the way he feels, hes not one for talking and we have had a good life, never had a row as I can remeber.
He is confused and so am I as Im wondering and waiting for him to decide wether hes going to go please.
He says things like he loves me, etc and wants Xmas with me but what happens after that?
Hes sure theres noone else and doesnt seem to have a 'plan' as to what he will do if he does go.
Any advice appreciated
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 12:22am
Welcome to the board, Ceejay13 ~ I'm sorry you're going through this.


I'll start out by giving you a quote from a therapist friend who was discussing the subject of "Love you, but not in love with you";

"Remember the cliche term, 7 year itch? A cliche becomes a cliche because there's usually so much truth to it that it gets overused. He's restless, bored and not feeling desirable. The fact that he's TELLING you this probably means he really doesn't want to go in that direction, he's just miserable.


Personal opinion warning!! Ready? That "love you but not in love with you" thing is probably the single biggest GARBAGE statement that's ever been invented. What the @#$^% does THAT mean? I'm hungry but I have no appetite? I can't see but I'm not blind?


Want to know what I REALLY hear, when I hear that phrase? "I don't have the teenage hormonal goo-goos when I see you. You're not stimulating me, so I'm going to get it someplace else, because feeling good is more important to me than YOU are. But I don't want you to feel bad about me, and I don't want to feel bad about myself for shirking my adult responsibilities. So I'll make us both feel better - for a minute - by telling you that I love you in SOME way. That way you'll think I'm really making a sacrifice when I hurt you 'for your own good.'"

There's an article in our Information and Resources section that discusses the Seven year itch, and while I know you're way past the seven year mark, I thought I'd post it for you as I think there might be a lot of information there for you:

The 7-Year Itch

I hear you say you don't argue, ect., but I wonder what the two of you do together to keep your relationship flowing? Do you spend time together doing things you both enjoy? Spend weekends away together, just the two of you? How long has he been being treated for depression? Is he seeing a therapist?

Your answers will help know what to suggest.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 7:17am

My guess is that this is related to his depression. Since you say he's being treated for it, he should be discussing these feeling in therapy. If he is only seeing a psychiatrist for medication management, he needs to get into therapy as well.

I would ask to join him in his therapy sessions to discuss this issue. He seems to still be vested in your marriage, but expressing feelings that something is missing - I'd be willing to bet that the "missing" factor is the joy he is unable to feel because of the depression.

At the very least, speak to the therapist for advice on how to deal with the situation and to be sure he/she is aware of what's happening. Be sure to tell your husband of your intention to do so, and why.

LRM

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 2:18pm

HI
Thankyou or your reply,I to believe it has to do with his depression since he has given me no other cause to think that a) theres someone else or b) another problem he hasnt said, he assures me theres nothing to tell me andalso he has no other interest in anyhting else ie, his hobbies or himself washing etc, (not that hes dirty lol)

If he had a plan or wanted to do something else I could understand but he hasnt, he has said he feels like he needs to get away for a while.

Funny though if some said to me that theirpartner wasnt in love anymore, I would think he wants to break it off and doesnt know how, now Im in the situation its a different feeling altogether.

Thanks again
CJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 9:20pm
You didn't answer any of my questions. Along with my original questions, I'm also wondering if your husband is seeing a therapist to deal with his depression.


Like the quote from the therapist I posted, I don't think the statement is so much an indication that there is someone else or a plan to leave as it is a warning, an alarm that something needs to be done to remedy the situation. Like she said, "He's restless, bored and not feeling desirable (except by the wrong woman). The fact that he's TELLING you this probably means he really doesn't want to go in that direction, he's just miserable." But yes, some do use it as an easy out.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 12-02-2006 - 1:50pm

Hi
No hes not in Therapy, but has been on antidepressants for the last 7 years, he hasnt always felt like this and his depression has lessened but latley I think its returned or his tablets need altering as he doesnt seem interested in anything else not just our home life which isnt like him.

I asked him if he was scared how he was feeling and he said yes as he never expected to feel like this ever.
We are talking but he has no answers until he gets to see the dr which is next week now we have to manage.

Thankyou for you help
CJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 6:43pm
You're saying he's not feeling the same about anything, not that his feelings for you are the only thing that's changed, correct? If so, I think the first step is seeing his doctor to see if perhaps his medication needs tweaking. I would also think it's a good time for him to see a therapist regarding his depression and his feelings. Medication can mask the symptoms of depression but do nothing to resolve the issues that cause it. Medication without therapy means continued medication without resolution; seeing a therapist resolves the issues and with it in many cases, the need for medication.


I'm still wondering what kinds of things the two of you do as a couple. I'm also wondering how long he's felt this lack of feeling for you; I know he told you about it last week, but I wonder how long he's actually been feeling it and if the timeline of this feeling matches the other interest changes he's had.







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 12:28pm

I completely understand where you are coming from!!!! 4 years ago I found out my husband was having an affair and planned on leaving me. He said he was miserable and wanted out. Well, before he could even leave he realized he still loved me and the affair was his way of making himself feel better. He said she made him feel like a king. We went through a tiny bit of counseling. To me it was a huge waste of time because I am a counselor and knew everything I was being told and was already doing what the therapist was suggesting. He needed the therapy more because he seemed to have no self esteem any more. However things did change for the better and we were very much in love again...or so I thought.

2 years after that we went on a big family vacation but I felt he was being very distant. I knew what was coming because we had been down this path so I kept asking him. He made love to me several times on the trip so I tried to tell myself I was just imagining it. But a week after we returned he had way too much to drink one night and told me he didn't love me and had been pretending to since the affair because he felt it was the right thing to do for the kids. I was devastated! He left me that night and went to stay with his mom. The kids were devastated too and completely broken hearted. Well, he came over the next day to take care of the kids so I could go to work. He still did not want to talk and insisted that he didn't love me and his family was 100% behind his decision to leave me because they also do not like me. I came to work and spent most of the day in tears. When I went home that night we finally talked. He began telling me that he had been feeling like he wanted to crawl into a black hole and hide forever. I finally realized how depressed he actually was. Being a counselor you would have thought I would have recognized that earlier!! We got him help and he immediately went on an anti-depressant. This helped tremendously. He also got treated for ADD which he didn't know he had until our daughter was diagnosed. This helped with his low self esteem. He grew up in a house of over acheivers and since he did not acheive like his sibblings or his parents he was told he was lazy and wouldn't amount to anything. Finding out it was due to his ADD took a huge load off his shoulders.

He is once again acting like he did 2 years ago which scares the heck out of me. But he has also said that he is feeling really depressed again. I continue to urge him to see a therapist, but he wont make that move. He had a therapist for Anger management but the therapist moved out of the area and he has not looked for one since. So I can feel your pain as I struggle with it daily lately. Currently I am dealing with him telling me I am lazy every day because our house is not spotless and the laundry is piled up. He used to help with all of that but has suddenly refused to lift a finger and feels I need to do it all. He claims he does everything at our house and I just sit there. I guess he forgets that I work full time and take care of 3 children, him and 2 dogs. I wonder if my love for him is worth it some days. I am sure you will have days like that as well. Let me know how it is going for you! Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 11:11am

HI
He went to the drs this week and the dr told him it probably wasnt his depression it was how he was really feeling!
I still think hes a bit depressed because he just isnt bothered with anything else.

In answer to your Question we havent done anything together for a long while, looking back now things have gradually groundf to a halt.

I really dont know what to do as there doesnt seem to be reason to why hes feeling like this ans beable to fix it.
I have said to him hes told me this nnd just left it up to me now he talks but all his replies are 'I cant explain it;

He said he doesnt feel loved which makes me sad, as he hasnt told me this before he also feels bad for feeling like this.
He has yet to open up to me properly but until he does we are at stale mate.

Take care
CJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:21am
His medical doctor told him this was how he was really feeling? Considering this wasn't a mental health professional, I'm a but stunned that he could give that kind of pronouncement. Has he considered seeing a therapist?


I'm not quite sure what you mean by "He has yet to open up to me properly but until he does we are at stale mate." What do you mean he hasn't opened up to you properly? And what do you expect can or will happen when he does (ending the stalemate, I mean)?


I get the feeling that you're focusing on dissecting his feeling that he doesn't love you anymore and that you feel one he's analyzed it, he'll be able to articulate it you and then you'll be able to repair it?


If that's true, I think you're looking at this the wrong way. I think he should see a therapist, but I also think what you need is action, not more definition of what he means. I think you may be able to do a lot by doing things with him instead of talking about his feelings. What did you used to do together, before it slowed to a stop? Go do those things again. Take a vacation together, take a walk through a park, a holiday decorated area, visit some museums, go to a concert, a game, go dancing, go to a comedy club, do fun things the two of you used to like to do together. It might be uncomfortable or awkward at first if you're not used to being together in a situation where you're making conversation with each other, but those are just the kinds of situations you need to be in, so keep doing them until they don't feel awkward any more. You may just find that eventually you remember why you married him - and he the same. Getting back in touch with each other may be exactly what you need.


Here are a couple of informational posts from our Information and Resources section that might be helpful:


Making Your Marriage an Adventure
The 7-Year Itch
(I know I posted it for you before, but it bears repeating)
10 Marriage Mistakes







~ cl-2nd_life

"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"

~ Author unknown








"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"