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| Sat, 12-02-2006 - 4:53pm |
Just thought I would surprise everyone here and tell you I'm back. I know I've been missed. Seriously, I realized I did get good advice here and I hope to start fresh again.
Any suggestions/advice would be appreciated.
Here's a little bit of background since the last time I was here. I've been putting more effort into becoming more affection and its because I WANT to...not because my hubby needed me to be. So, here's my situation.
Since the last week of October I made a commitment to myself in becoming more affection, therefore, everyday for almost a month, I was affectionate several times throughout the day with my hubby whether it be giving him a hug, kiss or wrapping my arms around him while he's on the pc. I told myself that if he didn't initiate it back, I would not get hurt by it. Well, this went on for almost a month of him NOT once initiating affection, however, he never rejected my affection either.
I thought I was doing great for almost a month and then a couple of weeks ago when I came home from work, not getting affection from my hubby was really taking its toll.
When I came home, the conversation went like this:
Me: Hi, how are you
Hubby: Ok
***Walk over to him and give him a kiss
Hubby: Are you hungry
Me: No, not really
***Then I noticed he FORGOT again to put his ring on
Me: Honey, you forgot your ring
Hubby: Oh, I'm sorry
Me: Why can't you do a better job in remember to put your ring back on after work
Hubby: I forgot
***I'm getting annoyed
Me: We've almost been married a year and you still forget
Hubby: I'm sorry
Me: Forget it
***Hubby goes to his car and gets his ring
Hubby: Why are you upset? (***When he asks me this question, he's already annoyed)
Me: Because you ALWAYS forget. Don't you think its embarrassing when I tell you that you forgot your ring?
Hubby: I forgot. I'm not perfect
Me: You forget your ring and I don't feel your not attracted to me anymore
***We are both yelling by this time
Hubby: What makes you say this
Me: Because you don't want my affection
****I'm taking a couple of deep breaths
Me: So many times I want to reach out to you more but I'm afraid you just aren't attracted to me anymore.
Hubby: ***SILENT***
Me: I've been very affectionate with you for a while and eventhough you don't reject my affection, I feel you don't want my affection either.
Hubby: ***SILENT***
Me: I wish you were affectionate with me because I want/need your touch. I miss it.
Hubby: Sorry, you miss my affection.
Me: Forget it. Sorry I wasnted your time. You don't want my affection...plain and simple.
***His "sorry you miss my affection" really annoyed me
Me: Why can't I have more of your affection
Hubby: So, you want my affection and now you are demanding it.
Me: No, I'm not demanding it, I'm just letting you know I want and miss your touch. How the hell did you get that I'm being demanding?
Hubby: Fine...you got my affection (***He says this as he's yelling)
Me: You know what. Why don't we just end this.
Hubby: Fine by me....I didn't want to talk anyways.
Me: No, I'm not talking about the conversation, I'm talking about our marriage.
Hubby: ****Looks very shocked****
Me: I want more affection, to be more close and you are the one I want to be affectionate and close with, however, I can't do this by myself
Hubby: This is who we are. I didn't know you wanted to be more affectionate or let me rephrase, I didn't know you have become more affectionate when I know you aren't an affectionate person.
Me: So, let me get this straight...you think this is what "our" marriage is....non-affectionate.
Hubby: Like I said, this is who we are
Me: Well, I'm not accepting this because I want more in this marriage. I'm still trying to make this marriage work, but like I said, I can't do this alone.
Hubby: For the 3rd time, this is who we are. Here's an example. Your dog....he's always been a happy dog. However, you want him to be more of a happy dog....he can't be more of a happy dog because this is who he (dog) is...just a happy dog....not more or less.
Me: WTF?? Look, you are unhappy, and I'm unhappy. You just don't want my affection.
Hubby: Sometimes, yes, I'm unhappy. Sometimes, you are unhappy
Me: This isn't working anymore
Hubby: So, you want to end our marriage?
Me: I want affection from the man I love but you don't want my affection. It hurts, in fact, it hurts a hell of a lot. I'm not willing to say...well, this is what our marriage is about. You don't want my affection
Hubby: I never said I didn't want affection...I never once said that at all...not once
Me: But you don't want my affection.
Hubby: Like I said, I never once said I didn't want affection
Me: ****Just freaking confused****
***We both end our arguement.
The next day, we pick up where we left off
Me: We need to finish our conversation that we had last night
Hubby: It was a stupid arguement. My voice is already hoarse from it
Me: But the conversation is left hanging
Hubby: I already know what the conversation was about. You want more affection from me, therefore, I feel like you are demanding it from me. That's like me saying "I want that hot fudge sundae that you are eating right now" and then you give it to me, but I know you really didn't "want" (he emphazed the word WANT) to give it to me. Now....if you were to give it to me without me having to ask....that would have meaning. Kind of like affection. Wouldn't you want me to hold your hand without you having to ask? That has more meaning, right? I'm the type of person that when you do something...you mean it...not because the other person asked for it. You don't need to please me. You don't need permission. You don't need approval. This is not me. Everything I do has meaning.
Hubby continues: That's another reason why I won't go to counseling. Let's play hypathetical. You and I go to counseling and the counselor suggests a few things that can improve our marriage. But a month later, we are back to square one. I believe everything will be back to "our original state, therefore we just wasted our money.
By the way, when I brought up the ring...to be honest, it really wasn't about the ring. Him forgetting the ring was just the straw that broke the camel's back....it had more to do with the "affection". Anyways, after having these conversation, I decided to think real hard about do I really want to end this unhappy marriage. I came to the conclusion I really want my hubby to be more affectionate with me and I really thought that if I "initiated" affection that he would also be affectionate but it back fired on me. Please don't tell me to tell him that I miss the affection, because I just mentioned how the conversation went. It really hurt that he didn't once initiate affection during that whole month while I was initiating all the affection. Feeling his touch is something I really miss and I just don't know how to get it back. The only affection he does initiates is when he comes home he give me a peck on the lips (whooppee) To be truthful, ever since that whole month of me initiating and not getting anything in return, I haven't initiated affection once...and that's been a couple of weeks. I figured, since he doesn't want my affection, what's the use in initiating affection.
I'm just don't know what to do. But I must confess, I want out of my marriage if things don't really improve.
Edited 12/2/2006 5:04 pm ET by casey0201

For those who aren't familiar with your situation or who need a refresher, I'm posting the links to your previous posts:
I want that loving feeling again
Need some suggestions
My hubby and I have tension
Things are better but.......
Here's one of our "stupid" fights
Delicate Subject
Here's another one....I know, I know
Am I really wrong???
Would this help?
We had another fight
Anyone have a clue?
Thanks for all your responses.I stand by my original belief. If you want to find real change and improvement you need to see a counselor or therapist who is accredited in a field of couples counseling; whether you husband goes with you or not. That's where you need to be if you're going to make a difference.
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I appreciate your response. I don't feel a counselor would help because I've already did see a counselor for 5 months and all she would keep telling me is "It would be better if he were here" and "There's not alot I can do because he's not here". I got tired of hearing those statements. However, she has helped me with some of my own issues.
Please keep the suggestions/advice going because I'm really confused. He doesn't initiate affection as much, which I might add, at least 90% he doesn't want my affection. I'm seriously asking him for a divorce. This non-affection marriage is really taking its toll. Personally, I don't know how my hubby can deal with it. I think he's probably 10 steps ahead of me and he already began getting immune to my non-affectionate ways a long time ago.
Anyways, any help/suggestion/advice would be appreciate.
What do you want? We can't tell you what to do to make your husband different. All you can do is learn to believe in yourself and know what's contained in a healthy relationship and decide for yourself whether your relationship meets your standards for a healthy, happy relationship. We can't tell you why he is the way he is, what he's thinking or what he wants - only he can do that. All you can do is make positive changes in yourself through therapy. Either your changes will trigger changes in him or they will not. If he chooses not to change, he won't and there's nothing you can do about that. All you can do is make choices for yourself.
You've said you want out of this marriage if things don't really improve. If you're sincere, I suggest you tell your husband this very important fact. He will need to be informed so that he can make the decision whether to do what needs to be done to try to resolve this (counseling with a qualified couples counselor) or not. If he chooses not to make efforts, you know what you need to do. The fact is, this is about the effort he's willing to make, and he has to be informed of how serious things are in his marriage in order for any change to be accomplished. Telling him is no guarantee anything will change, but not telling him will pretty much guarantee nothing will.
Whether he's interested in working toward change or not, whether you stay in this marriage or not - counseling for you; if he's interested in trying to save your marriage -- couples counseling for both of you is what's needed.
Best of luck, Casey ~
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"