not happy
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| Mon, 12-04-2006 - 8:48am |
we have been married for almost five years, and have had many arguments, but this last one took the cake, and I can't shake the feeling I get from it. It just makes me so sad to think that DH thinks the way he says he does. He told me that he has stopped caring about what I do (or don't do), and he stopped caring a while ago, just failed to tell me. Like sometimes I don't get the dishes done, or I leave shoes laying on the floor and he trips over them. We have a 22 month old daughter, the house is in total chaos because of her. And I don't always get the dishes done beacause I am at home with my daughter while he's at work and then I go to work afterwards, until 10 or 11 at night.
And then there's our daughter. DH is 18 years older then me and has an older son. I thought he was happy when we had our daughter. I mean that's the reason we got married in the first place, I was pregnant( I had a miscarriage soon after the marriage) But he knew that I wanted at least one child. Well now if I tell him something that she did that wasn't right, he tells me "You wanted her" F-ing a$$hole! That pisses me off more than anything. I don't know why but I told him I wanted to have another baby, and though he wasn't thrilled about it he conceded but ever since then he's had an attitude. I'm thinking about giving up on the second baby and/or on him. When we talk he gets mad that "I want him to change" I'm just so tired of it and him right now. It sucks. What should I do?
Anna

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Sooner or later your daughter will pick up on things, and she'll feel she's the problem.
Don't let his attitude come between you and your child. Your job is to protect your child's feelings even if that means letting go of the marriage. If you truly love him and think theres a chance of things getting better, then you should try talking to him about the situation. Sounds like he regrets his obligations. If his feelings don't soon change you should get you and your daughter out of there. You don't won't to be somewhere that your unhappy all the time. You can be unhappy on your own, and not have him to deal with.
Chances are though you will be happier.
First and foremost, the last thing you should do is bring another child into the world when he doesn't seem to want the one he has.
Maybe you two simply need to reconnect with each other. It sounds as if your marriage is not a priority in your daily life with work and your other child/children. Maybe a night out, just the two of you to talk and be romantic.
However I think you both really need some counseling. I hope that you can learn to communicate w/out hurting one another (especially him hurting you) Please get the help you both and your marriage deserve.
Good Luck! :)
I have lots of questions, I hope you don't mind. Answers to them will help get a better feel for your situation so we'll be better able to know what to suggest:
There might be more questions later, but that will get the basic information so we can get a good picture of your relationship ~ of course, anything else you want to share is great too.
I'll be checking back for your answers.~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
Can you tell us more about your marriage and the way your husband is?
My marriage was great at first. We didn't just get married because I was pregnant, we talked about marriage before the pregnancy even came up, we had even gone as far picking out wedding rings. We just married sooner than we thought so I could get on his insurance. The day before my first prenatal appointment, I miscarried. That's where some of the problems started. I became depressed that I had miscarried, it really took a toll on me. My periods were wierd ever since then so our sex life wasn't that great. Finally I told him I wanted to try to have another baby. We got pregnant and things were fine. After I had DD, I suffered from PPD and was put on Zoloft. It was then that I realized I should have been on Zoloft WAY before this, I had always had bouts of depression. At first things with DD were fine, if I needed to do something around the house I could put her in a Jumperoo or her playpen and not have to worry. She's too big for that stuff now and if I don't watch her, she will destry the house. DH started realizing this when I started working part time at night and he had to stay home with her. I think that's when he started saying "well you wanted her" and most of the time I think he's joking, but I don't know.
How long has he been angry like this?
He's always had an anger management problem. He's not mentally, physically or emotionally abusive, when he gets angry he just gets REALLY angry, sometimes I think I see steam coming out of his head like on cartoons. He bottles stuff up until he explodes. That's the majority of our problem. And I don't like confrontation, so when he does that I just am a jumbly ball of goo and I don't know what to think.
Are his housecleaning expectations new or has he always had pretty rigid expectations?
When we first married he told me that ther bathroom and the kitchen are the two rooms that are cleaned religiously and that he doesn't like "tripping" over things on the floor. I have ALWAYS had trouble keeping a room/house clean. I never had to growing up, so I don't really know how.
Are there other expectations that he has that are rigid or tough to live up to?
The only expectation he has I think right now is for me to change. I have many bad habits that won't go away that easy.
I know he's 18 years older than you, how old are you?
I am 28
How does he treat your daughter? How old is she?
He treat her good for the most part. She is 22 months old and sometimes I think he tries too much to treat her like an adult. I have to remind him that she doesn't understand some things, she's young. For the most part he's a great father, but sometimes I think he needs to tone it down a bit.
It sounds like he's mad a lot, is he? How does he generally treat you and your daughter?
Like I said, he's not mad a lot, but when he gets mad he gets a lot mad, do you know what I mean? I was very angry and hurt when I wrote that first entry and I think I made him sound like a monster, but he's not as bad. That's another problem I have, thinking someone or something is worse than it is.
HTH
Anna
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
1. Our problems began when I had the miscarriage and my emotional state after that. The mixed up periods just added to the problem because DH is a very sexual person (what man isn't?) and I never knew when I would get a period. That coupled with the effect of the miscarriage turned me off to sex. We were only together a month and a half before we married. I realize now that it's not enough time to get to know someone. And he was different then, more laid back, no anger.
2. Yes I do the majority of the childcare, even when he is at home. And it is hard, and he knows it because the days I have to work he's with her from 5pm until she goes to sleep. I would think he would understand my dilemma keeping the house clean.
3. From what he tells me he has always had a problem with anger. I think it's like what he does with me he bottles it up until he can't take it anymore. I don't see any work problems, but then maybe he just doesn't tell me about them. He's not doing anything to make it better.
4. I had an ex that was emotionally and mentally abusive, and on one or two occasions physically abusive. DH is nothing like that. He doesn't put me down or call me names. He doesn't hit me. I would say the times that he "explodes" he's usually yelling because I'm not getting his point. I guess it reminds me of raising your voice to someone who doesn't speak your language. thinking that will make them understand.
5. Let me show you what a typical argument is like. For instance the other day, the whole reason I posted here, I had to work that night and he asked me to wash his uniform for work. I put it off until the last minute and left it in the washer until I would get home and dry it then. He got mad because he hates it when I "put things off til the last minute." It works for me though. I tried to tell him that's how I do things, but he can't understand. So I start getting mad because he's mad and I'm thinking that he should be greatful I did anything at all. He gets even more mad because I get mad at him and that's when the bottled up feelings come out. Then he has to list the OTHER things I have procrastinated on, which BTW have AlWAYS gotten done. I can't stand that at all. So we yell at each other until I finally get his point. and he wonders why I don't listen. Because a lot of the time I think his points are BS but I can't tell him that.
6. Bad habits. The most prominent one is distorting his words until it feels like he is putting me down. For example he can say, "you didn't do the dishes" merely stating fact, and I hear "you are the most evil bitch of a wife I have ever seen, how dare you sit around the house all day and not do a damn thing, you are useless." That's where he has a problem. I think I have always been like this and I don't know what to do about it. I don't really remember when it started. Other bad habits of course include not keeping up with housework and shopping too much.
7. At 22 months he expects her not only to understand the word NO but the reasoning behind it. IF she climbs on the coffee table and he'll say , "no you're going to hurt yourself" she can't understand that. Stuff like that.
8. And yes, his anger builds and aside from the times that he blows up our relationship is great. I don't know what to do. I am also worried about him quitting smoking. He's been doing for almost 30 years now and he's tried to quit before and he was angrier than ever. Every minute thing would make him mad.
HTH
Anna
You only knew him a month before you married him. The truth is you had no idea how he really was when you married him; it's quite typical for people to not show their real selves for up to a full year in a relationship. I can promise you at the one month mark he was still easily putting up a good front, showing you the best he could; you married him before he showed his real self.
I'm guessing you didn't seek counseling during or after your abusive relationship? I'm guessing that because you should have been very, very leery about jumping in with anyone so early after knowing what someone has the potential to turn into. With that in mind, if you didn't do some hard work in therapy you are very, very likely to miss the same signs of abuse that you didn't see in your ex. You were at a very high risk to repeat your abusive choice, and quite honestly that's exactly what I'm afraid you've done.
While it's entirely possible that you turn to goo when he gets angry because of the abuse you suffered before and his attitude "twangs" you. But I think it's a lot more than that. What you describe "he doesn't put me down or call me names", that's verbal abuse. But emotional abuse has no name calling, no verbalized threats. Emotional abuse is all about perceived danger, perceived potential violence. It can be a look aimed at you that's crazy with anger and on the brink of being out of control. It can be screaming and yelling that doesn't contain name calling or threats. It can be punching holes in walls, driving like a mad man with you in the car, it can be someone saying in an angry voice, "I'm about to lose it". Emotional abusers have said nothing directly that threatens you or done anything that directly tells you you're in danger, but the perception is there and the threat of violence is there. Another form of abuse is control and your husband is certainly controlling. He wants things done his way. If things aren't done his way he's angry, disgusted and peeved that you didn't do things *right*. There is not give, there is no room for your preference, your style, your personality. You have faults and you need to change them. That's control and unacceptance. This is not how a healthy relationship is.
You've not seen any fallout from his anger problem at his work. That would suggest that he's able to contain it at work, which means he's able to control it. Which means he doesn't have an anger management problem, he manages it just fine, he chooses to unleash it on you; and that, as I'm sure you know from last time, is abuse. Anger management doesn't help abusive people. Abuse and anger management aren't the same thing. Abuse has to do with his beliefs about women, what their place is, what his expectations of them are, and entitlement -- that he's more entitled than women are. That's the heart of abuse, and that's why abuse therapy is largely ineffective, because it's trying to get them to change their beliefs and beliefs are very solid and deep, not subject to change.
You describe how you interpret his statements and say you guess you've always been like that. What I'm not sure about is whether you've always been like that your whole life or you've always been like that with him. Or if you've been like that since your previous abusive relationship. It's entirely possible that his facial expression, his tone of voice and/or what you've seen and heard from him in the past is why you interpret his statement to be more. It's very likely that it is more. Emotional abuse can be crazy making. Trying to describe it to others it sounds like there's really no problem, it's all in your head, however; that's not the case, not at all.
I have more thoughts, but I'm going to hold off for now and wait until you tell me what you think about what I've said so far. I have one more question though. How does your daughter react to him? Is she happy and free in going to him, looking for comfort and help from him? Is she relaxed around him?
I need you to know that I don't think he's a monster, and you haven't painted him as one. But you have said that he gets angry and that he has unrealistic expectations of her, which make me wonder what goes on when you're at work and he's caring for her. The proof will be in her reaction to him, and perhaps in her reaction to your leaving. Let me know, okay?
~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
I feel the way you said, like it's all in my head, and sometimes he makes me feel like that too, telling me it's me, that I have to change my thinking, etc. He sometimes gets mad over the smallest things, like the last argument. And I think I get angry because I wonder why he gets so mad about something like not drying his uniform before I go to work, and waiting until after I get back. Isn't that a bit petty? And then if I try to tell him that, he claims that I don't care about his feelings, etc. Man, you've opened my eyes and I don't know what to do about it.
DD has mixed reactions to him and I'm scared about that too. She doesn't cry for me not to leave when I do, but sometimes she doesn't want to be around him, like if he's too rough with her when they play, or he spanks her for something she doesn't understand. Sometimes she's relaxed, sometimes she's not. I don't know what to do because I know how important daughters' relationships with their fathers are. Let me know.
Anna
A child's relationship with its father is important if the father is a positive influence, effect and role model for the child. A child who grows up with an abusive father grows up to repeat the cycle by choosing a man "just like daddy" and living her life in an abusive relationship herself. In your case, your daughter will grow up being controlled and, by watching what goes on between you and her father, she'll learn that men tell women what to do and women do it. She'll learn that women aren't as good as men, women do the work, men yell, criticize and blame, and she'll learn that women deserve nothing more than that. She'll learn that because she'll be watching you, and if you stay and accept the abuse, then it must be acceptable, it must be what women deserve. The adage "Children learn what they live" is true. Your marriage is a blueprint, a classroom for her in learning how to be an adult and how to be in a relationship. She'll grow up learning men are like dad. Here's an informational post that gives good information:
Children & Domestic ViolenceSome people think that verbal and emotional abuse isn't "that bad" but studies have shown that verbal and emotional abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. I'm guessing in looking back you can see how you were before this relationship and how you are now and see some pretty significant changes in how you feel, your self esteem, your self worth, pride in yourself and your self assuredness, and much more.
In a healthy relationship you recognize and accept the other person for who they are, their ideas, thoughts, ways of doing things are just as valid as yours. You don't try to change the other person, you accept them as they are. None of this is happening in your relationship. His way is right and your way is wrong. You are filled with "bad habits" that you need to change. Your bad habits are your ways of doing things and they aren't wrong, they just aren't his way. But he doesn't see it that way. He's a controller who expects you to bend into what he demands. What you want, your preferences, your personality do not matter. He wants to change you into what he demands, and that leaves nothing of you. It also kills your spirit, your personality, your choice and opinion. What's left? In a healthy relationship, if one has to change to be right for the other it's recognized that it doesn't mean one is right and one is wrong, it means you aren't right for each other, because if you were right for each other no changes would be necessary.
I'm going to toss some information at you, some may not apply, but read it anyway, you may be surprised to find that more applies than you would have thought:
What is Verbal Abuse? (please take the time to read the intro, it's slow but it's sooo right on)Signs of Potential Abuse: Need to Know
Traits of an Abusive Personality
Know What Domestic Violence Is
Power and Control
Extensive DV Checklist
Brainwashing
More on Brainwashing
General Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
The Power of Verbal Abusers Reality
Common Characteristics (Victim/Abuser)
The Mind of an Abuser
Is Your Relationship Healthy?
Rship Components - Healthy & Unhealthy
Read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft . Bancroft is a therapist who specifically treats abusive men. His book is written for the women who are in relationships with abusive men, to give them an understanding of how these men think and what their thought process is. It's very enlightening, you'll understand a lot by reading the book. Another book to read is "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans Check to see if your public library has a copies of these books (much easier to borrow than to buy, at least until you know you want to own them). Listen to
Why Does He Do That? Interview w/Lundy This information came from the Domestic Abuse Board's Homepage , and there's lots more there. The Dealing With Domestic Abuse board is another board you might consider posting on -- or just lurking on. If you read there, read through the archived posts too, there's a lot of information there for you in the experiences of others.
Have you ever seen a domestic violence counselor Kharmaoasis? This is a good time to get involved with seeing one. You can call your local domestic abuse hotline and ask for a DV counselor referral, and the counseling will be free.
This is a new realization for you, it's going to take some time for it all to sink in and for the dust to settle. Give yourself time to come to terms with it. Keep talking, we're here to listen and support you.
Huge hugs, Kharmaoasis~ cl-2nd_life
"Experience is what you get
When you don't get what you want"
~ Author unknown
"Ignoring the facts
does not change the facts"
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